A Daughter's Wedding ...

[seekeerz]

Our daughter [44] rang last week to say her partner had asked her to marry him, then suggested that as they were planning a o/s trip later this year, that they get married while away,

They have been together for nearly two years and have bought a house together, and she's very happy with him, but I was appalled by this arrangement as I think most parents would like to be present at their daughter's wedding .... it's her first marriage, his second, but she hadn't seemed to consider that other people might be upset by these plans.

She rang again this evening with details about her engagement ring and said she'd let her friends know and when I gently tried to bring up the subject of where they would marry, she seemed surprised that I hadn't just accepted his decisions and said 'I was taking the shine off their plans'

Am I over-reacting to this ? I've never felt so gutted in my life and I fear this may affect our relationship especially with her partner as I feel he's exploiting the fact that she wouldn't want a massive fuss and expense which I can understand

I've suggested that she could speak to him about this further, and also that a small ceremony with just parents present here before they go o/s ... any suggestions, please

[jno]

yes, that is selfish. My mum always said I could do anything I liked with my life and the only thing she required of me was an invitation to my wedding (which she got).

However, if you think her partner is exploiting her, perhaps you have other issues with the whole relationship?

[boxtops]

Oh steff... I feel for you.

It might be worth biding your time though - some friends of ours wanted to get married in Dominica, until they investigated and found out how much red tape and cost would be involved - then they changed their mind and went to our local register office.

Surely you won't be the only person upset not being at your daughter's wedding - she sounds to have been carried away on the romance of the thing, not thinking of how her family might feel.

Have you met the fiancé, do you get on with him?

[woofgang]

I mean this nicely but its their wedding, not yours. In the days when parents funded the wedding then they had some right to call the tune but if they are doing all the funding then its their choice I am afraid....and it doesn't have to affect your relationship with him if you don't let it.

[joannewatson]

I can understand how you feel. But at the end of the day its your daughters day....not yours

[MadMen]

Could you not go with them?

[seekeerz]

thanks jno and boxy - no not really jno, I just feel she's been rushed into this idea and I can't work out why - surely he must realise we'd want to be at their wedding but she says his parents are ok with the whole mad scheme

Hi boxy - I just feel that I've been punched in the guts, and yes, I'm hoping that keeping my own council from now on might be the way to go

Yes we've met him, and have stayed with them in Melbourne, we like him and he's good for her, but this just seems so thoughtless

[ethandron]

I do think you're overreacting, totally. I can honestly say it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I'd just be happy that she's happy. At 44 I think she's entitled to get married however she sees fit and if you make an issue of it, no matter how small or how sensitive you try to be, you really do risk souring your relationship.

[seekeerz]

don't worry, I've threatened that if we win lotto before the day, we'll be joining them !!

Yes, I know it's their life, etc etc and that we have no 'rights' over what our children do but that's not helping me much right now

[jno]

if he's been through it before he may not be so interested. And maybe at 44 she's no longer much bothered. But for her to accuse you of "taking the shine off things" because you said you'd like to be there seems selfish to me.

[MadMen]

I agree with that. I think her comments that you're taking the shine off things are extremely insensitive. It's irrelevant that his parents are ok with it. He's done it before! I would be absolutely gutted too, and I don't think it's bad or selfish of you to ask her to reconsider.

[tamborine]

Could it be a Jagger/Hall ceremony ? Are their assets equal ? Has he got baggage that might affect ur daughter's assets ? Not that these questions will disuade them. Best u save for the trip :)

[ummmm]

I think you're over reacting and being selfish.

Why should she have to consider what other people would want?

[tamborine]

Oh cripes I forgot, my bruvs done same

[Barmaid]

It is not really "his" decision, it is clearly hers as well. I am sure that if your daughter didn't want to get married elsewhere, she would have said. I don't think he is "exploiting" anything - they have obviously discussed it. Perhaps knowing she doesn't want any fuss, this is why he has suggested it. Reading between the lines on your post, you do seem to have rather taken against your daughter's fiance in all this. Remember your words in the second paragraph "she's very happy with him".

on the one hand, I can really understand that you would like to be there. On the other hand, it is their day. Having been married once and doing what everyone else wanted rather than what I wanted, I will do things differently next time.

It might help to build bridges if you say how happy you are for them and perhaps later on, if their plans go ahead, suggest a small family party to celebrate the union on their return? I know it will be difficult, but if you could put your feelings about not being there aside, and listen to your daughter with excitement about her plans, it might help?

[China Doll]

If I ever get married then it will most likely be abroad with no one else there, I don't want the extra fuss and as far as I'm concerned there are only two people important forthat day. I would then come back and have a large party.

I absolutely think you're being selfish, it's her special day and she should have it how she wants. It doesn't matter what 'other people' want, it's their day and they may choose to do it how they see fit. Just be happy she's happy, that really is the main thing.

[Smowball]

I do understand you being disappointed in not being there, but it is ultimately up to them where they get married. As Barmaid excellently suggested, you could always offer to have a 'reception type' party at your house when they get back?

[tamborine]

Its a wonderful excuse for a holiday. My bruvs was 10k miles away in beautiful exotic Malaysia and our Aussies rellies flew over for a fab reunion. Join the celebs as you may never get another opportunity.

[NOX]

As trailerchance said are you actually not invited or have you uninvited yourself by assuming you won't go?
Either way it's their wedding. If you want to do something special for the wedding suggest when they come back you all go out for a meal and spend the weekend together somewhere really nice. It's really not the end of the world unless you make it so, which you seem to be doing.

[andres]

Seems a bit daft---having an engagement after you've lived together a couple of years. But then that's the modern generation !. Your daughter could have at least asked you to the wedding and let you have the choice of attending or not. No wonder you are gutted !I think she has been very thoughtless and selfish. Is she asking her friends to the wedding or his parents?