Ab Agony Aunt

[mrs_overall]

Naomi has nominated me to be the in house agony aunt and by coincidence I have received several letters from AB'er seeking advice
I will let you peruse ne and let YOU give advice.

1. Dear Mrs O
I am in a new relationship with the woman of my dreams. Should I come clean about my past love life which involved several haylofts and sheep pens?
Yours faithfully
M. Raker

[mrs_overall]

Oops, I didn't mean to publish the name...

[albaqwerty]

Dear Mr Raker,
If you still have straw or hay behind your ear or between your teeth, it would be better to gently explain that is was extenuating circumstances.
However, it is best to be the last love and not the first.

[humbersloop]

dear mrs_o

well, every cloud has a silver lining, so the recent inclement weather has been a highly lucrative opportunity to diversify my business - who'd believe such demand for pedallo search and rescue??

spurred on by your own shining philanthropic example (how you maintain your anonymity is a wonder) I'm now looking for a good cause to support: would a rock badger sanctuary and rehoming service be a suitable thing?

[Psybbo]

Dear M Raker
Forget about your past love life, have a steaming hot 30 minute shower and put on a clean vest.
Yours truthfully, Mrs_o

[Jan1957]

Dear Mrs O

I think I may be becoming an alcoholic......... oh my god, just realised the pubs are open. Will have to get back to you.

PS. This will just remain between us won't it?

[tiggerblue10]

Dear M. Raker

I would urge you to apologise to all the sheep you have inconvenienced for nothing.

[chrisgel]

Dear Mrs O
I need a bit of cash. I've heard of people who sell kidneys etc. However, I'm a bit attached to my internal organs. I, on the other hand, do not need my left leg.
I drive an automatic. I'm always finding odd socks. I kick a football with my right foot.
Is there a market for left legs. If so, how much would I be likely to get for a 102 cm, white leg, (shaving possible.)

[naomi24]

If it comes complete with knobbly knee, I'd say there's a market - but I'll leave it to the expert to decide.

[Sqad]

Dear Mrs_O

At last i have found true love, warmth and a depth of sexual understanding and fulfillment that I didn't realise existed.Those sheep and yes, many men, are a distant memory of which, I realise now, meant nothing to me. (Well except that shaggy old ram) and I just hope that my new found woman of my dreams will understand. Should I tell her the truth about my unnatural past?

Maureen Raker.

[lady-janine]

Dear MrsO
I am being stalkd by a most unwholesome looking person who has straw in his hair, behind hs ears and between his teeth and coming from other unmentionable places.
He has also shouted to me in the street boasting of his previous conquests, most of whom appear to be sheep.
Now he has digitally fused our faces together in a photograph and and published it. i find this most unsavoury.
How do i convince him that his passion is not reciprocated?
I must go and have a tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddddddd.
yours E*a

[AlwaysConfused]

Dear M.Raker - you need to think clearly why your lifestyle has directed you to haylofts and sheep pens. Do you mistrust woman? Is the woman of your dreams a replica of your mum? I'd steer clear of all objects that bring back painful, childhood memories and become a vegetarian instead.

[aelmpvw]

i bet m raker is an aries

[mrs_overall]

Dear humbersloop
My advice would be to continue with the pedallo search and rescue service as saving lives is a noble cause.
As for the rock badgers - forget it. They are rodents with nasty faces and sharp teeth.
If you are determined to provide a rehoming service, can I suggest rocks? They have a myriad of uses which include
1. Propping gates open
2. Being painted white & lining the entrance to driveways
3. Being handy tools to hammer windbreaks into sand
4. Being handy tools for anti social neighbours to hurl at windows
5. Being handy tools for car thieves
6. Weapons of self defence, particularly concealed inside a marigold

People will always need rocks so rehoming them will be a good thing. Once you become familiar with them you could possibly go into breeding them and have your own rockery.
I see this as your way to fame and fortune.
Regards
Mrs O

[mrs_overall]

Dear Chrisgel
Yes, there is a thriving market for legs.
I would suggest you advertise it for sale on Ebay. Potential purchasers include
1. People wanting to go to fancy dress parties as Jake the Peg
2. People wanting to make their own standard lamps (The bone can be drilled & fitted with wire while the skin would make a nice hairy lampshade)
3. Medical students
4. Cannibals
As your leg is rather on the short side, I would suggest a starting price of 99p.
Please be aware that selling your leg could hinder your ball kicking skills as you are liable to fall over.
Regards
Mrs O

[mrs_overall]

Dear Jan1957
In these days of economic troubles, it is very noble of you to pump money into a local business (the pub).
Should you subsequently need a new liver, I know another AB'er who may be willing to sell you one.
Regards
Mrs o

[mrs_overall]

Dear Desktop
Yes, I agree.
Regards
Mrs O

[andres]

SICK!!!!

[mrs_overall]

Dear Andres
There are a wide variety of anti nausea drugs on the market. Pop along to the chemist and buy some and you will soon stop feeling sick.
Regards
Mrs O

[Psybbo]

Dear mrs_o
My problem is, I'm invisible, nobody sees me or hears me. WHAT CAN i DO TO MAKE MYSELF HEARD?
sibs