The Perils Of Privatisation - Part X
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The Answerbank Hotel
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Welcome to the wonderful AnswerBank Hotel, stunningly situated in the small Gnomeshire village of Abton.
Manager & Owner – Ab Editor
We have a full staff of highly experienced professionals eager to fulfil your every legal desire (and possibly a few illegal ones too, if you ask nicely).
On the front desk you will find Ummmm – our no-nonsense Receptionist – on duty 24/7 to ensure a warm welcome to friends old and new. Please note that any mineral-based lifeforms attempting to enter the establishment will be quickly identified and asked to leave.
Our MajorDomo is Mr BuenChico (known to all as 'Chris'). He will be able to advise on all bus/tram/taxi routes between the Hotel and local tourist attractions – tickets may also be obtained for a small consideration. Chris can also quote, from memory, exact prices and times for trains to/from most major European Cities
Your car will be Valet Parked by Tony – for a small fee he won’t tell you any stories about how much better his Saab is than whatever you are driving. He is also available to demonstrate the new ‘indicator equipment’ which BMW and Audi drivers may be surprised to find is now fitted to their cars.
Our Restaurant is second to none – in the kitchen you will find EcclesCake (“I taught Gordon Effing Ramsey how to swear so don’t mess with me matey”) providing an astonishing variety of dishes with a heavy focus on seasonal food. Comments about “not sodding beetroot again” will be passed to the chef – we cannot be held responsible for any injuries subsequently sustained by diners.
Our wine waiter (the chap with the Cummerbund and slightly wonky Dicky Bow) is Mr DTC – he will introduce you to the delights of Viognier and Malbec with only a hint of a superior smile. Ordering the second cheapest red from the list will not fool him (or indeed your dining companions).
Before dining you may wish to enjoy the delights of NoM’s Cocktail bar – asking for a “Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall” may amuse you – she will probably merely think you are a complete Harvey Wallbanger.
We have a fully equipped crèche facility – “Bednobs and Bullwhips” – the eponymous Mrs Nobs is ably assisted by sherrardk (“don’t worry I’ve got five of my own – it’s only a flesh wound I think”).
If you should suffer a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ our in-house seamstress Madame Gness will effect an invisible repair, or run up an alternative costume – smocked bottoms are something of a speciality.
After dinner you have a choice of entertainment venues :
“Mamya’s Late Night Jazz Bar” – with an eclectic mix of melodies old and new
“The Dave Grohl Room” – where Lisa and Erin will have your ears bleeding within minutes
“The Old Knob Twanger” – Rowan and Redman’s real ale and folk room – a smile, a pint and a finger in your ear
The late night comedy club has “Jem and Marval” as your hosts – guests staying more than one week cannot be guaranteed an entirely new set each night, although audience participation is usually volatile enough to compensate for this.
Daily Newspapers may be ordered from reception – Miss Fluff will deliver them with a target time of no later than 7:30 .... (pm).
We are fortunate enough to have our own Medically Qualified Doctor on the premises. Dr Sqad is available for general consultations until 8pm – Ibuprofen is available from reception.
After 10pm Dr Sqad is available for bedroom visits only.
.... [tbc]
Manager & Owner – Ab Editor
We have a full staff of highly experienced professionals eager to fulfil your every legal desire (and possibly a few illegal ones too, if you ask nicely).
On the front desk you will find Ummmm – our no-nonsense Receptionist – on duty 24/7 to ensure a warm welcome to friends old and new. Please note that any mineral-based lifeforms attempting to enter the establishment will be quickly identified and asked to leave.
Our MajorDomo is Mr BuenChico (known to all as 'Chris'). He will be able to advise on all bus/tram/taxi routes between the Hotel and local tourist attractions – tickets may also be obtained for a small consideration. Chris can also quote, from memory, exact prices and times for trains to/from most major European Cities
Your car will be Valet Parked by Tony – for a small fee he won’t tell you any stories about how much better his Saab is than whatever you are driving. He is also available to demonstrate the new ‘indicator equipment’ which BMW and Audi drivers may be surprised to find is now fitted to their cars.
Our Restaurant is second to none – in the kitchen you will find EcclesCake (“I taught Gordon Effing Ramsey how to swear so don’t mess with me matey”) providing an astonishing variety of dishes with a heavy focus on seasonal food. Comments about “not sodding beetroot again” will be passed to the chef – we cannot be held responsible for any injuries subsequently sustained by diners.
Our wine waiter (the chap with the Cummerbund and slightly wonky Dicky Bow) is Mr DTC – he will introduce you to the delights of Viognier and Malbec with only a hint of a superior smile. Ordering the second cheapest red from the list will not fool him (or indeed your dining companions).
Before dining you may wish to enjoy the delights of NoM’s Cocktail bar – asking for a “Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall” may amuse you – she will probably merely think you are a complete Harvey Wallbanger.
We have a fully equipped crèche facility – “Bednobs and Bullwhips” – the eponymous Mrs Nobs is ably assisted by sherrardk (“don’t worry I’ve got five of my own – it’s only a flesh wound I think”).
If you should suffer a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ our in-house seamstress Madame Gness will effect an invisible repair, or run up an alternative costume – smocked bottoms are something of a speciality.
After dinner you have a choice of entertainment venues :
“Mamya’s Late Night Jazz Bar” – with an eclectic mix of melodies old and new
“The Dave Grohl Room” – where Lisa and Erin will have your ears bleeding within minutes
“The Old Knob Twanger” – Rowan and Redman’s real ale and folk room – a smile, a pint and a finger in your ear
The late night comedy club has “Jem and Marval” as your hosts – guests staying more than one week cannot be guaranteed an entirely new set each night, although audience participation is usually volatile enough to compensate for this.
Daily Newspapers may be ordered from reception – Miss Fluff will deliver them with a target time of no later than 7:30 .... (pm).
We are fortunate enough to have our own Medically Qualified Doctor on the premises. Dr Sqad is available for general consultations until 8pm – Ibuprofen is available from reception.
After 10pm Dr Sqad is available for bedroom visits only.
.... [tbc]
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Punters may indulge themselves at BetStoke – handily situated next to the ATM on the ground floor.
Sports enthusiasts are well catered for – the gym features a full-size table tennis table with professional instruction from Mrs Craft, world renowned as “the pint sized ball smasher” in her playing days.
Children who escape from the crèche may be entertained by “Ratter and Minty” who run our petting zoo, goat milking demonstrations and llama rides.
There are also pedalos on the lake supervised by Mrs Sloop and Boaty – lifejackets are optional but probably sensible.
We have several themed weekends coming soon :
Star Trek Convention – Excelsior is just the man (or indeed Klingon) for this job
Genealogy – Who Do You Think You Are? asks Dotty
“LGBT – no it isn’t a sandwich” – study weekend led by JackTheHat
Computers for the Terrified – Daffy and Methyl will ensure you are
and don’t forget our Quiz Nights with Lie-In King as the MC and featuring Factor with his popular “Name-That-Tune” session.
If you have ideas for future themed weekends please consult our events planner Ms FGT – her Titanic efforts will ensure your complete satisfaction.
Finally a credit to ‘the people behind the scenes’ :
Chuck who wrote our Computer Billing System – v57.6 is expected to go limp any day soon.
Moony who is selfless in his cultivation of The TTFN Gardens, where the lovely B00 serves Afternoon Tea & Cakes.
EvianBaby without whom our ducts would not be what they are today
Barmaid who provides all the eggs to our kitchens – delivered daily by Mr BM in his Reliant Robin
And last but, definitely not least, the redoubtable Mrs Overall – “If your toilet is clean, Mrs Overall has had a hand in it”
Sports enthusiasts are well catered for – the gym features a full-size table tennis table with professional instruction from Mrs Craft, world renowned as “the pint sized ball smasher” in her playing days.
Children who escape from the crèche may be entertained by “Ratter and Minty” who run our petting zoo, goat milking demonstrations and llama rides.
There are also pedalos on the lake supervised by Mrs Sloop and Boaty – lifejackets are optional but probably sensible.
We have several themed weekends coming soon :
Star Trek Convention – Excelsior is just the man (or indeed Klingon) for this job
Genealogy – Who Do You Think You Are? asks Dotty
“LGBT – no it isn’t a sandwich” – study weekend led by JackTheHat
Computers for the Terrified – Daffy and Methyl will ensure you are
and don’t forget our Quiz Nights with Lie-In King as the MC and featuring Factor with his popular “Name-That-Tune” session.
If you have ideas for future themed weekends please consult our events planner Ms FGT – her Titanic efforts will ensure your complete satisfaction.
Finally a credit to ‘the people behind the scenes’ :
Chuck who wrote our Computer Billing System – v57.6 is expected to go limp any day soon.
Moony who is selfless in his cultivation of The TTFN Gardens, where the lovely B00 serves Afternoon Tea & Cakes.
EvianBaby without whom our ducts would not be what they are today
Barmaid who provides all the eggs to our kitchens – delivered daily by Mr BM in his Reliant Robin
And last but, definitely not least, the redoubtable Mrs Overall – “If your toilet is clean, Mrs Overall has had a hand in it”
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