Nose Out Of Joint A Tiny Bit

[sherrardk]

My step dad just rang to let me know when he is getting married. Very quick to say I needn't go to the trouble of going if it was awkward taking the kids out of school, etc. He has booked the room for ten people - himself, his wife to be, her two children, my brother and sister (his children with my mother) and their partners and a couple they are friendly with. Feel like I can't go regardless as there will be no space for me and my family (we only live 1 1/4 hours away so it wouldn't have been a big deal). Originally he was only going to have the couple they are friendly with as witnesses. My twin sister is 'not expected' to show up either as she lives miles away. Am I just being too sensitive or am I right to feel a bit 'pushed out'?

[pixie373]

I'm sorry, sherr. That seems unfair to me. Invite all your children, or none.

[boxtops]

It's up to him, sher - and he's not your birth dad, so perhaps he felt he wanted to keep it small, with his natural family. Perhaps they can't afford anything bigger. I wouldn't be put out.

[sherrardk]

It's not down to money, they are not even going for a meal (and he has told me how much he has in savings, etc). On reflection, I feel really sad about it - I call him dad and always have done, he gave me away when I got married, etc. I have always viewed him as my dad, thought he viewed me as his daughter but obviously that was just when my mother was alive.

[pixie373]

Does he know how you feel? You're obviously important enough for him to want to explain it to you and close enough that you feel excluded. I would be tempted to ring him back and see what his preference really is. Could it be the new wife, and he's just keeping the peace?

[rockyracoon]

Sherr, I would feel exactly as you do, I'd give him a ring and have a chat, he might not realise he's being an insensitive Snag.

[murraymints]

I would phone and tell him that you really would like to be there....

[anneasquith]

his loss id say, how long was he your step-dad ?

[sherrardk]

Anne, he's been my dad since I was seven so that's 37 years. I won't ring him back as I don't want to cause any bother. However, I was the only one to properly congratulate him and his girlfriend when they got engaged. My brother wouldn't even invite her to his daughter's christening. Families are a nightmare.

[pixie373]

I wouldn't look at it as "his loss". Once it's done, it's too late and the damage is done. I would straighten it out beforehand.

[DaisyNonna]

Sher, you must be feeling very hurt if you have always called him dad and thought of him as such. Especially if he gave you away at your wedding.
Take a deep breath, calm yourself, pick up the phone. Explain that you would love to be there on his wedding day but understand if there is not room for you now in his life. Wish him well, leaving the ball in his court. Put the phone down, have a good cry. Dry your tears and go out and buy a lovely card for them. You will feel better.

[sherrardk]

I will send a card and a gift, probably something for the house they are moving to. Might be upset about it but I have got good manners :(

[anneasquith]

well, I would inform him how you feel. which is really hurt, I still think he is in the wrong, and it is his loss, it may sound harsh but I would not send card/present.

[joko]

i agree you should ask him - maybe he was just trying to give you an out - thinking you may not want to go and so you wouldn't feel obliged
i would tell him you would like to go, and see what he says - he might be made up that you want to.
my dad always says not to get him gifts, he acts all bothered that we spent our money and took time to get him something - yet one year i got him a smaller bottle of whiskey than usual (it was in a box and i didn't realise it was a smaller bottle inside - and he was offended that it was small, made a sarcastic comment... so you can't win sometimes, people just feel like they have to make a show of not wanting you to put yourself out, to show they don't expect it from you etc.

your stepdads 'reason' for saying what he said is not a reason - its just your perception of what he actually meant and you may be wrong ...

speak to him and if he is still weird about it then i would be a bit peeved too - but don't just take this vague conversation as fact


i have wondered in the past just how many lives are ruined or changed by assumptions, misunderstandings, misconstrued words etc, that are never resolved because people 'don't like to make a fuss' or pretend they're not bothered or think they are taking the higher ground by saying nothing.

[pixie373]

With all due respect, sherr, he's a man. Does he have any idea how it looks? I do wonder if it's a little protest by the new wife.

[joko]

maybe he doesn't want your brother there but feels he cant invite one without the other, so felt it best to allude to it being a very small basic service and not worth bothering yourself with.

[sherrardk]

Part of me can see why he might want only his children there but I won't say anything not because I want to take the higher ground or anything. Life's just too short to make a fuss and upset someone else.

[pixie373]

That's fair enough. In answer to your question, i think they are being a little insensitive and i would probably feel the same. (have had my stepdad since i was 7, too)

[joko]

fair enough ... but you will never know if you have jumped to conclusions and got it wrong.

[Peter Pedant]

Think Cleo, Sherr' and take an asp....

think their day - if they dont want you to go, dont go.

sorry about it all

[Rosetta]

Could it be he (or his girlfriend more likely) do not want any small children attending and they couldn't invite you without them. My younger son attended a wedding recently where the bride had stated no kids rule, it caused quite a furore with some of the groom's friends who had families.
I would feel a bit hurt too, could you attend the ceremony even if you dont go to the reception?