Low Level Bullying

[cassa333]

Sorry this is so long winded. I want to give as much detail as possible.

My daughter is nearly 10 and very shy. She is the most caring little thing I have come across (and I work in a school) and she worries about how everyone else is feeling before she thinks of herself. Outside the home she wouldn't say boo to a goose and if she has a friend she is a bit clingy.

She has three firends, one (A) has been a friend for 5 years and has just turned 11, the other two are sisters (one is 11 (D) and one 8 (R) and have been friends with her for about 2 yrs.

My daughter has been for a while saying that A has been a bit 'mean' to her and leaving her out and walking away and not including her in play.

We talked about it and put it down to A being older and learning about 'grown up' things at the end of last term but it has continued this term and R, who she hangs around with a bit more at the moment, has said D has been heard saying she doesn't like her now.

This morning before school she was telling me that she had a cry last night in bed because they had all been playing some game (I had never heard of) and A aked two questions of who in the group was the worst. Both times they picked her.

I have suggested that she could do a number of things, she could ignore it and hope they treat her better. Next time they are mean ask them why they are being mean and tell them how hurt she feels when they treat her like that. Or keep away from them and find new friends.

The last suggestion will be the hardest for her as she is so shy that she hardly talks to anyone. Even people she has know since nursery she doesn't play with.

To complicate things A's mum is a bit miffed with me for not telling her my holiday was cancelled before I told someone else (she was going to take my kids to school one day) and A's brother is my daughters 'boyfriend' (no going out, kissing ((yuk lol)), holding hands, playing together or in fact talking much) and her dad is vice chair and I am chair of a group we run.

Considering her mum is miffed with me at the moment is it worth trying to talk to her about it?

[Eve]

Difficult. Kids are cruel and, especially with girls, they will be best friends one minute and sworn enemies the next. They could be the best of friends again tomorrow but it can be a miserable time.

Are there any hobbies that she could join clubs for, give her something else to get into and more people to meet but not in a forced way?

Is this in school or out? If in school, could she take something into school with her like a book or is there somewhere she can go within school (like the library) if they are being mean to her, say in school break time?

[cassa333]

It is so hard to hear her say these things. I just want to wrap her in my arms and keep her safe.

This has been happening since before the summer holidays and tbh even when we had play days over the holidays she was like it with her.

Although I do say to her to deal with it herself she is just not forceful enough.

Today she took her cats cradle string in to give herself something to do and unfortunately they aren't allowed into the library unless you win a pass.

One thing that annouyed me a bit was that she went out and baught this girl a realy nice birthday present. She pick it out herself and paid from her own savings and this girls actually liked it so much she uses it all the time now.

I will have to encourage her to make new friends, which I have always done anyway.

[boxtops]

It's hard - but I remember myself at her age, friendship groups changed all the time through secondary school too.

Any idea what makes her so shy and lacking confidence? Could you join a local kids' drama group (we have a brilliant one here) or join a hobby group which interests her?

[andy-hughes]

It is so hard. Your every instinct as a mum is to keep your child safe and protected, and there is that horrible feeling of helplessness when they are being hurt and there is little you can do.

I would definitely not involve any other child's mum. While you are busy getting into a battle or words with another mum, your respective children will have either solved their differences, or moved on, either will be resolved far quicker than the battle you could get into.

When our two oldest girls were gorwing up, we lived next door to a couple who also had daughters of the same ages. We agreed a pack that we would never get into arguments about anything our kids said and did - for the reasons outlined - and it worked out really well. There is little or no future in trying to sort out your child's issues with another parent.

Meanwhile, all you can do is to give your daughter a lot of support - even more than you obiously do now.

She will get through this - and the other traumas that involve childhood into adolescence and adulthood, and hard as it is, you have to let her make her way. There is little practically you can do to help her, except be there and give her lots of love.

My girls are all mums themslves how, and going through the same with their children - it never gets any easier, but it is part of growing up.

[ClaryS]

Could A have picked up on some bad feelings towards you from her parents? Her mother may have said something negative about you concerning the cancelled holiday and her daughter has over-heard it. I would encourage your daughter to ask her friends why they are being so mean to her. It could be that as younger children they were thrown together by your relationships with parents, socially and professionally, and they are just growing out of it and finding new friends. So, encourage her to tell her friends how she feels, but also encourage her to make some new friends, join a club , guides for example.

[cassa333]

You could be right about her picking up on her mums attitude to me at the moment.

For ages I have been saying they need new friend and my son has made new ones this year but not her :(

She goes to Brownies (soon to change to Cubs), recorder club, Table Tennis club and acting group so she gets to see other people, she just doesn't make new friends easily.

Wheever he mentions a friend I haven't hear of before I always say she can invite them round but she never does. Apart from the fact she is too shy she doesn't want to upset the ones she has!!!

[anneasquith]

this is difficult, but, maybe she needs to make her own decisions, and I know she is only 10 years old, but this friendship thing is very common especially with girls, id only discuss this issue with her if/when she initiates the conversation,

[Nini74]

do you have any friends with daughters the same age that go to the same school? perhaps you could invite the mum over and suggest she brings daughter with her to help your daughter build confidence with other people and, perhaps, become friends with that child. If mum is miffed (sounds like child A gets her fickle attitude from mum if you ask me), then best not talk to her as she may mention it to her daughter/even tell her off, and that could cause more problems for your daughter.... horrible things little girls - hope all works out xx

[society]

In my opinion there's no such thing as low level bullying, bullying is bullying, just like a small lie and a big lie is still a lie.