Long Term Partner Moved On And Its Heartbreaking!

[lsharp]

Hi, i recently split with my children's dad of 7 years back in february, we both still lived together and did what couples do, meals, days out etc but never slept in same bed or anything like that. Come end of october he tells me he likes our neighbour who lives directly opposite me, he messaged her on Facebook asking to go for a drink- i had no right to say no as we wasn't together that evening the girl came over and asked permission! I told her i still love him, the kids r our priority etc and really poured my heart out to her, next day they go for a drink and seeing them get into car together really upset me making me realise i still loved him so much and wanted him back, so i told him how i feel and since then he has moved out permently, seen the girl every day. Slept with her, only talks to me about the kids and told me some nasty things such as in moving on and i don't love u no more. I still have to see him because of the children but nothing is said only about kids. I am literally in pieces, he has changed since being with her, introduced her to his parents and wants our children near her! He said he was over me months ago but if this was the case why was he still trying to kiss me, cuddle, taking us out etc. IM really lost and confused. He says he wont help me out or talk to me because it wont help me move on but then tells me when i meet someone else he will be heartbroken! The hardest thing is knowing he is sleeping with her it makes me sick, what do i do? Its been 4 weeks now and he is in "love" with her, couldn't give a Sugar about me and its as if she has brainwashed him! I need advice as in pulling my hair out and trying to hold it together for our kids who r 4 and 20 months
thanks for taking time to read xxx

[gness]

Isharp...I have read your post and do feel for you but I have no advice I can give.

You are in an awful position with two young children...I don't suppose you have much stamina spare to deal with what has happened.

When the first MrG left my attitude was...oh well, your loss...but you are far from being able to do that from what you have said.

If it helps have a rant on here....I think Ed would say in Relationships rather than CB.....less likely to get into muddy or silly waters there...

Love Gx

[2sp_]

It's hard enough splitting up with someone without having very small children and still sharing a house.

I know it might sound hard, but if he is so keen on moving on, could he not move out? At least if he's not under your feet and nose all the time it might get easier for you.

I really do feel for you, I hope things improve soon. xx

[pixie373]

I'm afraid it sounds like he's made his decision. He may have been keeping his options open before, or was confused, himself. But 4 weeks and he hasn't come back. There's nothing i can say to make it easier for you, but just focus on those little ones. It will get easier xx

[tamborine]

The gf is a chancer cohabiting with your OH when she knows you love him. You have to make him jealous by dating other men. Arrange dates (even pretend dates) leave kids with OH & gf to babysit (at her house), it might spoil their social life.

Have yourself some Me time to enjoy. Good luck

[lady-janine]

i can't think of anything to say that might help you. sorry. if someone behaved to me like that i might question how much i truly loved them. but that is me and we are all different.

[grasscarp]

I kind of agree with Tamborine. At the very worse you should get out of g
House and enjoy yourself. Who knows for future? As you will be involved for the rest of your lives.

[bednobs]

I don't get it. You've been split up for eight months before he found another gf which doesn't sound unreasonable to me. Presumably you either instigated or consented to the split so I can't really see why you are so upset. Well of course I can really it's because you still live together and it's going on under your nose as it were. If he had moved out when you split I have no doubt he probably would have seen someone else sooner. What did youthink was to happen = that would live of lives togethe but apart and never form new relationships? Why are y living together still anyway?

[gness]

I must have misunderstood. I thought that when Isharp told him she still loved him he moved our permanently.....perhaps not.

[FredPuli43]

At least he's moved out permanently. And no court is ever going the children away from you. Those are the plus points. It would have been kinder of him to find a lover miles away; that is a minus.

I agree with tambourine. If he's ever going to think he's made a mistake, that's the way to get him thinking so.

[joko]

did you split with him? is he the sort that would be trying to hurt you? get back at you for dumping him and making him suffer?

as you know you have no right to tell him what to do or expect him not to move on - the only option left for you really is to try to rekindle his feelings for you - inspire in him aall the things he once loved.
dont be needy and annoying and neurotic and demanding and petty etc

be fun, interesting, gorgeous, cool, etc etc - make him see what he is missing
i dont mean going out of your way to wind him up making him jealous etc - but let him think you also have moved on

it took him with another person for you to reconsider - it may work on him

however you must be prepared that he is gone.

[lsharp]

Thank u for all your answers, it was a joint decision to split as we argued to much in front of children, he does not live with me he moved out 4 weeks ago as soon as he started seeing her. Its so hard as like u all say its literally on my doorstep! Don't understand how he can say he would be heartbroken if i met someone new, yet there's nothing there for us anymore!

[woofgang]

he wants his cake and eat it. tell him to get stuffed

[lsharp]

I so want to say get stuffed :( im finding it so difficult knowing they r sleeping together after we was together so long x

[woofgang]

If you so want to, then say it!

[ummmm]

I very much doubt that if you got back together it would work. You split in FEB and you only realised you loved him when he found someone else.

It doesn't sound like love to me, it sounds like jealousy.

[andy-hughes]

First of all, my sincere sympathy for the pain you are suffering.

What you are finding out the extremely hard way is that the end of a long-term relationship is rarely straightforward, with a nice clean break, there are issues that trail along and dip in and out of your lives, especially when children are involved.

What you long for is the familiarity and security of the relationship you had, and that is covered over completely by the panic and insecurity that consumes you during this horrible period of change.

Looking objectively, which is a luxury you do not have, your husband has moved on, sadly to someone so physically close, and you are struggling to accept that.

What you want is for everything to be how it was before things went wrong, and sadly, you have to accept that you are not going to get that back, it is gone.

So it's pointless to hang on to a life-line that has nothing on the end of it.

What you must do is work with what you have, which is your children, and yourself, and start looking at rebulding your life with them.

Your strong feelings of love for your ex may not be as they appear - they may be the longing for peace and security and an absence of this pain, but that is not the same as loving him in a way that will let you get past this situation, even assuming he wants to, and evidence suggests that he does not.

If you start using your strength, which is there but well hidden, you will start to accept this situation, painful as it is, and that is the first step towards moving on without him.

He is embracing his 'new love' wholeheartedly because that enables him to try and forget the confusion and pain he is feeling - that manifests itself in his hostility and mixed messages.

I wish there was an easy and quick way to get past this, but there isn't. It takes days, weeks, months of pain and upset, but every day is a day further away from this initial shock and upset, and you will get past this, and be a stronger person for it, impossible as that seems.

Pull friends and family close, keep intreraction with him as minimal and impersonal as possible, and look to the future - you do have one, promise.

[gness]

Isharp....I wish I could put into words my thoughts the way Andy does. Read his post...and read it again...it's so true.

The only thing I will say too is that life can surprise you and letting go of something that is holding you back opens the way for new and happier experiences and relationships......that is something you can control.

Life with two young children is good but bloody tiring...keep chatting on here if it helps....Gx

[lsharp]

wow thank u andy, that honestly made me cry! i no deep down i have to move on its just so hard and is killing me :( but im trying to keep busy and stay strong xxx

[andy-hughes]

isharp - I am so sorry if my advice has upset you, but if it helps you realise that the way forward no longer includes your ex, then it has been worthwhile.

Human nature makes us yearn for situations that make us feel safe and secure, and correspondingly, we feel adrift, lost and frightened if those situations are taken away from us.

The way forward is to know that you are a good person, and this is not your fault. You are going to be a good mum for your children, and a strong woman for yourself, and that is what is going to help you to build a new life.

It really is true that what doesn't kill us makes us strong, and even though this situation feels like it is killing you, it is in fact making you stronger, but you can only see that when you are able to look back - that is for a time to come.

Take things a day at a time, let your tears come, take any and all support offered to you, and rejoice in the fact that your belief that you could not live without this man is not actually founded in truth.

You and your children are all you need - the rest will follow in time.

Stay in touch, there are plenty of good people on here who will support you when you need it.

[Sqad]

A common enough situation..............
No easy way out, no simple advice for a solution'.
That chapter in your life has now ended, so face the fact and how you face it is entirely up to you.

Sympathy, but that is all anybody can give you.