I Recently

[marval]

I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken.'
As soon as I opened it, the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I was wondering, how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners have fallen for this evil scam?

I have just had a bitter row with my partner.
He thinks Tetley's is better than Boddingtons.

My local baker offered me a very good price to make a birthday cake. Then he said he would decorate it for free.
Well, that was just the icing on the cake.

I saw a mate come out of a burger bar with a new coat that was five sizes too big for him.
"What's with the coat?" I asked.
"I'm not quite sure," he replied. "I just asked for a Big Mac."

My boss reckons I'm a greedy pig and he said that, if I can get through a whole day at work without mentioning biscuits, he'll give me a hundred quid.
Nice.

Top Tip, Steer clear of kettle chips. Just bought a packet; they turned to mush and welded themselves to the element.

I bought a bed today that's made entirely out of rice.
The mattress is okay but the pilaus are really uncomfortable.

I've decided to become a boat builder. I just put a kitten, egg whites and sugar into a blender. Going to make a catermeringue.

I run a restaurant and I’ve been trying to get a company in to do a flavour audit.
But apparently there's no accounting for taste.

After a hearty meal I still had half a sandwich left on my plate, "Do you want a box for that?" the waitress asked..
"No", I replied, "but I'll wrestle you for a cup of coffee."

As a journalist I was quite interested to hear that an old couple had discovered an ice cream container that hadn't been opened for 50 years.
I rushed to their house straight away to see if I could get an inside scoop.

[bookbinder]

Very good! I like the biscuits one.

[janbee]

:-)