End Of My Tether With My 19 Year Old Son!

[jonah hart]

I posted a few months ago for advice for my son who was suffering mental health problems, this all started in april, we've had amazing help, he was put on medication and started to show amazing signs of getting better, it's been a really hard time for him and us, there's been a lot of ups and downs, the abuse he's gave us as been horrendous but we've stuck together and worked through it, however these last few weeks we've gone drastically down hill, he's stopped taking his medication, he's out with his friends all the time, if he's not out he's "bored" we encourage him to look for a part time job or go back to college but nope no interest. It's the constant abuse he's giving me, his dad and his sister now that's causing the whole house to be on edge, while im giving him money he's nice as pie, yesterday i gave him 20 pound but said that would be it for a bit. today we've really copped for it for absolutely no reason, we've been decorating his bedroom for the last few days, and finally finished it today, it looks brilliant but when he's come in, he's bounced in his bedroom obviously seen it, yet walked straight past me asking "what's to eat" he's making our lives hell, we've done and are doing everything in our power for him, but getting nothing back at all, my hubby wants him out, actually so do I but there's no where for him to go, im so stressed out that i physically hurt, i just don't know what to do. any advice would be so gratefully excepted, thanks for letting me rant x

[Mosaic]

Oh poor things. he's ill but he's now a grown up. You need not to have him in your space. This is tough but you have done all you can. Your local adult mental health services might be a first stop, and also talk to your GP services for advice.

[jonah hart]

Thankyou mosaic, ive just been into his room to tell him to turn the music down and he's completely wrecked the place, knowing how much hard work we've put into it, while ever we're giving him money to go out he's lovely but he's admitted that he fakes it with us to get what he wants, i just don't know where my caring son as gone, x

[Peaspeculiars]

Perhaps an ultimatum is in order - ask him to go back to the GP, and/ or start taking the medication again. If not, he can still live with you (if he hasn't anywhere to go) but you will stop supporting him financially until he is actively seeking work or further education.
Harsh, but otherwise you will be going round in circles until one of you snaps.

Perhaps there is something bothering him that he can't speak freely with you about - do you have any family that he would open up to to help take some of the pressure off him? Would he go back to the GP and ask for some counselling?

[Mosaic]

That's not your fault dears. he's now an adult and you've done all you can. He has to go walkabout and, dear things, it might be years or it might be never that he sorts this out.
Talk to support services and sort out a deadline for him to leave.
it will be very hard but not as hard on you as this present situation is.

[woofgang]

what everyone else has said I am afraid. Parents just can’t “have him sectioned” though and from what has been said, i don’t think he has done enough for a doctor to section him. Go and talk to whoever has been supporting your son. They won’t be able to tell you much about stuff that is confidential to your son, but can listen and advise.

[jonah hart]

He's got a great therapist who comes every 2 weeks now, he knew she was coming thursday but went out literally 5 minutes before she was due, i talked to her about a few things but obviously she's here for my son, so makes excuses for him. I will ring the doctor on monday, we've asked him to talk to us, we try to causally bring subjects up in conversation. Thankyou for taking the time out to advise me it's so appreciated x

[Togo]

Do you think he is doing or has done drugs Jonah. Sorry to ask. Someone needs to.

[jonah hart]

We did find out a couple of months ago he was smoking weed, a drug he said he'd never smoke because he knows it'd make his mental health worse, we talked all night about that and he swore he'd stop using it, i causally check for any signs when he comes in and i don't think he's using it, i am worried he might be using other things cos his moods are so up and down, but then he's stopped his medication so it could be that. He absolutely does know how much we love him, it's like he wants to move out but no money to do it so make our lives hell knowing we'll not kick him out but arrange for a place for him, he as a massive blow up like this make once a month then it's calm for a few weeks, but we're on edge constantly waiting for his next blow up x

[woofgang]

She shouldn’t be “making excuses” for him, she should be objectively assessing the situation and your son’s state of mind. Whether or not you actually would come to kicking him out, IMO, it would do no harm to tell his mental health worker that that is what you intend.

[tamborine]

If you evicted him maybe the council would home him?

[Togo]

Ask him straight out Jonah or get his councillor to, have you taken MDNA or E. If he stays out all night sometimes or attends raves or festivals. I would take it as read.

[jonah hart]

I Definitely agree that his therapist should at least try to see it from both sides, my son's an absolute charmer and knows how to say all the right things to certain people, she just tells me "he's great" and he is but boy she as no idea the other side to him. I'm seeing a councillor too but she doesn't want to hear about my son, just wants to know how I'm feeling (which in theory sounds right) but i desperately want advice and help with my son. No he doesn't go to festivals but he's i the local pub every dayx

[MantaRay]

Clutching at straws here but I wonder if the lad needs a hobby or interest to focus on. i.e. a dog, a go-kart, a moto-x bike, musical instrument...anything that might hold his attention. The "bored" aspect indicates that he's not aiming at anything other than perhaps drink or drugs...so try to find out what will suddenly jolt him into some commitment.

[jonah hart]

Thanks mantelray, we've tried getting him to every hobby going, bought him a gym membership, then he wanted to do boxing so found a class, now he's in to going out shooting up the woods, we get his pellets, ive got him info for college courses. His main hobby is women and beer at the minute, only thing is he can't offered this hobby x

[Peaspeculiars]

Jonah, I really do feel for you and your family. But, something isn't working here, so something needs to change.
If he is missing appointments with his therapist, not taking meds, kicking off at home, presumably not taking drugs as he's promised not to, but is going to the pub every day, and is not doing anything constructive to help himself/ his future - something has to give in order to see that this cycle is not going to continue - it's getting you all nowhere.
So, stop financing him. Now.

Does he ever have a day off the drink? Think about it - if he is not earning any money, yet is drinking daily - this will be affecting his moods and he might have come off the medication so that he can have a drink. Stop giving him money to drink and see if he has any problems going a day without alcohol - If so, get him straight to the GP, no if's or buts.

Can he take on a task or responsibility at home? Younger siblings to help with their daily homework? Take them to places/ collect them ie after school clubs - can he help you out at all and get into a more positive routine?
Could he help you with the weekly shop, help plan dinners, could you spare any time during the week to take him to job interviews or the job centre to search for work?
Try and think of anything that you could use to gradually get him into a positive routine and keep him busy (this would include looking for work) during each day and ask him to stick with it - the only way you are going to start this off though is to stop giving him money as he'll just go to the pub with it by the sound of it.
Good luck with everything

[jonah hart]

Thankyou peaspeculiar, there's definitely some good suggestions there, and advice x thankyou to everyone for taking the time to help me, it's so appreciated x