Tim Vines.

[Patsy33]

'Just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday...... Never again'!

[ummmm]

Lol...that took me a few seconds!

[Baldric]

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

[marval]

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I got bronze.

[Baldric]

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

[melv16]

I've got a Scandinavian friend who only likes obscure Beatles records.. A Norwegian would..

[marval]

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

[DTCwordfan]

I got promoted to the supermarket, I was outstanding in my field.

[DTCwordfan]

I decided to go vegetarian; it was a mistake.

[marval]

I went to the record shop and I said, "What have you got by The Doors?" He said, "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket."

[marval]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

[marval]

So I went into a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

[Patsy33]

' I tried mugging a pensioner yesterday
I said, 'Hand over all your valuables or you're geography!' He replied, ' Don't you mean history' I said, ' Look, don't go trying to change the subject'

[Baldric]

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's permanent."

[Baldric]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

[marval]

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one."

[Hopkirk]

I farted in a lift today - it was wrong on so many levels.

[marval]

I just got a great job helping a one armed typist when she wants to do capital letters. It's shift work.

[Baldric]

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

[marval]

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

[elliemay1]

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"