Help!!Very timid little boy

[shannonbitzy]

hi everyone

I have a little boy (4 years old) he is currently in nursery due to start full time school in september, since he went to playgroup at 2.5 years i have often been told by the teachers that he doesnt talk much , they have all said that they have no problems with him, he can perform whatever tasks he is set or asked to do, will sit still at story time , in general not a boisterous or destructive child, just very quiet. I can accept that maybe he is just very shy, but now i am starting to get quite worried and upset as i dont want him to go through his whole life with no confidence.He has been going to a gym class 2 evenings a week as i thought it might bring him out of his shell a bit and encourage him to become more sociable, but last week when i took him he had an accident(wee) during the class because he didnt ask the instructor if he can go to the toilet.was quite upset by this for him and i dont want other children to laugh at him . I have never known this to happen before as he is a very bright little boy and has been dry day and night from 2 years old, i have discussed it with him and tried to explain the best i can without shouting at him that he really really must start to ask if he needs to go to the toilet, noone will ever be cross with him or think he's naughty for asking , it is a very good thing to do etc etc, but now im worrying that if i dont somehow make him less shy and more confident this could happen again , or it could happen in september when he goes to school full time .I'm starting to wonder if its something im doing wrong , or if theres anything i can do to help him , im so upset that his shyness is affecting him so much that he feels he cant speak to anyone in authoritive posititions.

At the other end of the scale, at home ,he is the total opposite, he is so vocal and boisterous , and just a typical noisy little boy!

thanks in advance

Jodie

[PatriciaH]

My son used to be very clingy at the same age, he went to playschool, but each time they had to coax him in... he used to be upset for a few minutes after id gone but i used to peep in the window and watch him for a few minutes and he was fine after 5 minutes, he too was "shy" hes an adult now and theres no shutting him up now!, makes a change to hear of a 4 year old that isnt hyper and cheeky, im sure hel be ok, just reasure him that its ok to ask at nursery if he needs the loo or anything else..good luck and enjoy cos the time will fly and hel soon be all "grown up"

[noxlumos]

It's really nothing you are doing wrong so relax. We have 8 children and only two of them have been shy which is our 3 year old (and he is painfully shy) and our 18 year old who has always been quiet but is doing very well now, living away from home and at Uni.

What we did with Aiden ( the older one) and are now doing with Ciaran, was to encourage them to be a bit more outgoing by getting them to pay for things in shops, when the shop concerned is not too busy.Just let them hand the money over initially and then get them to thank th shop assistant, to ease them into getting used to talking to adults and authority figures. It's something they are generally keen to do as they feel really grown up. Soon they'll ease out of the excrutiatingly shy phase and start to open up a little more, as they are guaranteed a pretty good reception with shop assistants since you are standing there.Then just increase their input in controlled situations, so they get used to initiating things.It's abit slow but it does work. Hope this helps:)

[Fish the Mod]

On reading your letter, I felt a tear - I was your little boy. House devil - class angel( a right bas***). I was a middle child of five and when I started school I doing more then just a wee. I didnt want to be centre of attention or put my hand up, looking back now it was that I was very shy. I think that your doing the right thing with the Gym class but consider maybe a drama class ( it more games then acting) or team sport when he has to interact with others. It will be struggle to get him to go in but talk to the instructors and ask could he sit with them while your out the room. If you dont already, have chat time before he goes to sleep and bring up the subject of what would you do if you needed to use the toilet, who would ask, where do you go, both talk about your day and plans for tomorrow. Today I teach Public speaking - do acting and DJ work yet I hate asking for my money from the venue manager, I can get up in front of a hundreds of people and perform yet I cannot say no to the girl in the bank when she flogs me another credit card.

I wouldnt worry at this stage and be thankful that is not boisterous in the class, plenty of support, bonding and laughter will settle him over the next few years.

[Alibobs]

My son was exactly the same at his age - he did not speak in Reception and he too had an accident. hew as always happy to go to school, but didnt join in.

I took him to lots of things etc, while he was happy to go he never joined in' always in the background

He was shy until about the age of ten and is now completely the opposite confident, doing well at school, plays rugby for the county. he still doesn't suffer fools gladly and likes to take stock of a situation before joining in. he's 14 next week.

My 16 year old daughter who was bright & bubbly at tahat age is much more reserved now.

Try to relax about your son - (I know its easy for me to say with hindsight) from the way you say he is at home he's obviously well and happy. You obviously love him to bits and with that behind him he'll be fine xxxxx

[Alibobs]

when he did have his accident at school the class teacher was really kind. She took him to one side and said he did not have to ask, he could just go ( the class & toilets were in a seperate annexe to the main school) I also made sure he had a pee before he left for school.

Its a good job he doesn't read this site - he'd be horrified!

[trevHCS]

From personal experience of being in your kids position there are a few tips I'd give you:

- *Please* don't tell them they are being bad when they are lacking in confidence as that really can knock them back for life (been there, only recovering 30 years later).

- As a sideline to the above, also don't tell them they are a big boy and just shouldn't be like this, however tempting it can be sometimes as that'll give them a complex about not being normal.

- The idea about letting them do things like shopping for themselves is a good idea. Especially when you're not too confident, plucking up the courage to face people and then everything going right will give him such a high that this alone could be the key, especially after a few times.

- Remember that the world is a very big place when you're 4 years old and anything you can do to show them that people are generally safe will help. Eg: when you introduce someone, pick them up so they aren't looking up at a giant and can see the other person is actually quite human.

- Finally, if you want to help them through school, don't do all their school work for them. Be there if they have questions, but encourage them to do the actual work themselves. It will help confidence and ability to stand on their own two feet.

But basically....don't worry too much. I suspect this incident will give him a lot more confidence to force himself to speak out which is a good thing...

[bandy]

Try looking for a Steiner Kindergarten in your area, they run up to 6+. It will be more gentle for him and his demeanor will be accepted and worked with without forcing him to behave in a different manner.

Good Luck