party invitation

[Dawn Louise]

What would you do? Have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years and few days ago he received a phone call from his ex-girlfriends sister inviting us both to a family party next month. He is keen to go as he used to get on well with the family but I don't want to go. I think he should cut all ties with the ex and her family as he broke up with her to go out with me. She has phoned him occasionally, I suspect to check if we are still together and a few years ago both the ex, her mother and sister turned up at the funeral of his one of his family, which he hadn't warned me about although he knew they were coming. Last year we were both invited to the mothers birthday party and we didn't go to that because I wasn't happy about it but this time he really wants to go. Also it would involve an overnight hotel stay as they live about 80 miles away so it wouldn't be easy just to go for a couple of hours and then leave. Am I being immature [we are in our 40's] or should I go just to please him?

[Eels]

Don't you think that if there was anything more to this than meets the eye you'd have more concrete evidence than this after 5 years!

If I (in my 20s) can manage to maintain friendships with exes without my partner thinking it's wrong, then I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to maintain contact with his. Particularly if he was with her for any length of time, then of course he will have developed friendships with her family members and want to stay in touch.

I think this is more about you feeling threatened by his past relationships than anything else - you don't mention any sort of unfriendly or hostile behaviour from her, so I can only assume she's got perfectly innocent motives.

Maybe you need to have an honest chat with your partner and discuss exactly how you feel. That way he can reassure you and you can perhaps get a better understanding of the nature of his feelings for this woman - which I am certain will be platonic.

[electricblue]

Yeah it could be the Ex stirring things up but after all this time do you really think its possible?I would be more inclined to worry if he kept it from you then went on his own but the fact that you,re going together will give you a good opportunity to give a united front to the whole family.I would have thought though that after 5 years they would have better things to do than invite an ex boyfriend!

[willifog]

Your partner obviously loves you or you wouldnt have been 5 years together. Its better to show him that you trust him and not hold him back doing what he wants. It may be difficult for you, but holding him back wont do any good in the long run

[khana]

Its a difficult situation but if you are secure in your relationship then there is nothing to feel threatened about.

Its a little unreasonable to expect him to cut all ties with people that he came in to contact with while he was going out with someone before you.

You dont mention how long they were together but it could be that he made friends with some of her family over a number of years. He broke up with her and not her family.

Why dont you go and enjoy yourself, after all, if his ex girlfriend is still mooning over him, you can afford to be the better person. You have the cake and continue to eat it !

[sanlou26]

Hi,

I'm going to the wedding of my ex husbands brother, and my current partner is going with me.

My ex and I have been divorced for about 7 years, but I still see his family regularly and I am considered one of the family. I have been to a few other family occassions and there has never been a problem. I only ever see my ex at the family gatherings, all other times I have no contact with him, although I regularly stay with his parents. His family have been a big part of my life from the age of 16 ( I am now 32). I love them and my partner accepts that this is how it is, and will always be.

Going to see and stay with his family does not mean that I want to get back with him or that I particularly want to see him. His brother is the little brother I never had, and I would not miss his wedding for the world. Go with him and try to enjoy it. I know that if my current partner did not want to go, that would be ok, but I would still be going. I hope if you decide to go you will have a good time and be reasured. good luck.

[curiosity]

If it helps, me & my 2 sisters all in our 40's now, got on really well with my middle sisters boyfriend & his family & set of friends. Even though they finished their relationship a year into her starting Uni (about 27years ago) he (and his wife) who live miles away, are always invited to important family events, especially surprise type things and he did come to my mams funeral etc. I know from our part, and certainly my sisters, that it is all totally innocent, at first I did think, how would I feel if I was his wife, but she seems to have got the idea taht he's kind of classed as a close family friend, and nothing more. We all have a great time. Good luck.

[JustSia]

You probably not gonna like what I say, so feel free to ignore it but...

You either have trust in your relationship or you don't. If you are concerned about your partner leaving you cutting ties with his ex isn't gonna help. It will cause arguments, he will question your trust in him and eventually it is gonna blow up in your face.

I know it sounds crude but let him see her and her family, see what happens. Sort of like a test. I know you don't want to lose him, but would you want to stay with a person who is not 100% certain about his feelings for you? Let him sort it out. If his is starting to feel something for her again you stopping him isn't gonna solve anything, doesn't matter how long you were together. But If you show your trust in him and reassure him all the way and perhaps remind him of why he left his ex in the first place, maybe then he would realise where his priorities lie.

S.

[Scarlett]

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You should be secure enough that he is not going to take one look at his ex and head for the hills with her. If you are not, you need to examine your relationship, regardless of his ex.

If I were you, I would go. I would glam up, look gorgeous, be charming and lovely to everyone, and prove to the family that you are really happy together.

Your boyfriend will be really pleased with your maturity, and proud that you supported him.

If this backfires and he goes off with his ex, (unlikely) then you know he wanted to do this all along. Also, if he had any intentions with his ex, he would be trying to go WITHOUT you! And he's not!

My ex wants to come and see me, with his wife and kids next time he is down here. And his wife is looking forward to meeting me. And me her!

[Sparkles3]

Would you be happy if he was telling you who you could be friends with?

I split up with a boyfriend because he didn't want me to be friends with my ex. There was nothing going on, we just spoke on the phone once every few months, exchanged birthday/Xmas cards but my boyfriend was jealous of that. I tried to be understanding, but at the end of the day he asked me to choose. Whilst I would always have chosen him over my ex, I was not going to have him tell me who I could be friends with and so we split up. Obviously the trust issue that others have raised is also relevant to this....

I would just add that that was some 10 years ago and we (boyfriend not ex!) are now married with 2 gorgeous children - but I would have felt resentful if I had not been able to remain friends with people of my choosing - and we certainly would not have been married now.

[WoWo]

I think it's pretty clear what other people here think. It depends on what the situation really is, is it that you don't want to go or is it that you don't want him to go?

If its the former then thats fine just let him go on his own (and don't keep ringing him every 5 minutes) and if it's the latter then you have other bigger issues to deal with.

[peterd]

I personally wouldn't feel like going although I definitely wouldn't stop my girlfriend going. Everyone would probably be fine with you at the party, but I understand your feelings. I'm not really into family parties though so I would try & get out of it for that reason

[WendyS]

I think there are time in all relationships when we might prefer not to be involved in some of the social relationships of our partners, but life is all about compromise and having missed a previous event, I think perhaps you should give in gracefully this time and go. You may well find that what you have most been fearing is "fear itself" and that everything will go off fine.

Lots of people still manage to have civilised relationships with their "ex" and families. I still have regular contact with my brother's first wife and her second husband and the bitterness of the divorce is now lost in the mists of time. Go, put on a big smile and be friendly to everybody. It will make your boyfriend happy and perhaps in the process it will help you to trust him a little more that any feelings he had for his "ex" really are in the past. If you really can't trust him, despite the fact that he previously opted out of a function he really wanted to attend just to please you, perhaps you should examine why you feel so insecure. If you stop him having innocent relationships because of your own suspicions, one day he might decide he'd fed up with being restrained in his choice of friends for no good reason.

[Dawn Louise]

Thanks for all your answers and wisdom. I guess I will go - but know I will feel awful. Just want to get it over with now.