To Be or Not To Be - Grounded!?

[Poglet]

I have grounded my 16 year old daughter since last saturday (friday she was seen in a bar/nightclub, not drinking, just dancing)

She was supposed to be at a friends party but apparently it was boring so she went to meet her step brother in club and stayed in there for about 2 hours. Unluckily for her, everyone knows her older step brothers and phoned them to tell him and he told me.

I think the punishment is fair but she does not. She thinks she should have been allowed out tonight! Its not that we don't trust her, its just there are so many horrid things that can happen and living in the Colchester area, which is a garrison town, you can imagine how my imagination runs wild.

I am just trying to protect her but she HATES me today and will not speak to me and has sulked in her room all night. I let her go out with her friends today and yesterday as they had inset days from school.

What would you do? How do you punish your unruly teenage daughters? Help! She is basically a good girl and I have never had to punish her seriously before so I do feel bad but refuse to give in as i usually do. I don't like the hostility between us but perhaps there are some times when you have to be a parent rather than a friend to them.... :(

[SaxyJag]

I think grounding is a perfectly reasonable punishment, as long as you've set a time limit for it. It has to hurt her a little or it won't work.

Next, the pair of you should sit down and discuss strategy. Why not take her out for lunch somewhere and talk? She needs to understand why you don't like her going to these places, and why it's important she tells you where she is.

Can you not compromise and agree that she can go to this, that or the other place, and that she has to be with a friend/stepbrother if she does? Emphasise the keeping safe - which is really what you're most worried about, isn't it?

[sense4all]

How old is the step brother ( she was in the club with) is he a responsible sort? You have made your point, now comes the tricky time, I would have a word saying I want to talk to you about last week - in ten minutes. I do this so that my kids can get in the mindset to chat. You aren't springing it on them - which can wrong foot them.

Tell her you are particularly concerned that she is safe. ( She will of course tell you that she was with her brother! Not drinking and that all her friends go to clubs.)

[B00]

you do right! Don't back down!

I remember when my daughter was 15 and My husband (who's not her dad) saw her going into a pub in town as he was on his way back from somewhere, she told us she was sleeping over at her friend's house. He came home and told me. I literally marched up to the pub and saw her at the bar with a drink in one hand and a cigerette in the other!!!

I took her to the bar and very loudly informed the bar staff that she was only 15 much to their (and her's) horror and the rest of the punters amusement, and then frog marched her all the way home.

I can honestly say she didn't do it again- she was too embarrassed for a start.

The horrifying thing is they really can't see the dangers they put themselves in.

Good luck Poglet, you've got my every sympathy!

[sense4all]

Cut off in my prime .. continued ....

I think that a week ( SAT) is long enough. I would tell her that she has to BE where she tells you she is going in the first instance. If she is moving on she HAS to contact you to let you know where she is going and that this is just basic good practice. My daughter is now a driver and she HAS to send a text to her fathers mobile when she moves from venue to venue. That there may come a time when she will be very glad that she did! We tried the sending a text to the house phone route but these are held overnight and forwarded at seven in the morning so not very reassuring if you wake up and find that your child is still out.

If you ground her for much longer she will think you have lost it, are only interested in ruining her life etc etc. She will probably be less interested in doing what you would like. Do not argue with her: tell her these are the new criteria for a night out - use em, or lose em! She sounds like she is pretty good at policing herself already, so work with her. What changed my daughters attitude to this kind of thing was seeing someone who had been slipped a Mickey Finn quite early on in her going out career! He was a big strapping lad and she was scared for him, and the fact that she knew every body at the party she attended has rocked her cosy world. She is quite sensible about things in general, so like your Daughter we give her credit for this. Good luck with the chat!

Ps Did you know you can buy bungs to put in the neck of a drink for her while she is out, from supermarkets 10 for ninetyish pence.

[andy-hughes]

You did the right thing, this is about making a stand because she broke your trust.

As advised, you should discuss the actions that led to the grounding - the fact that you were making her think about her actions, and safety.

I always told my girls that I hated to be angy, but it was in their hands how angry I became, and what punishments came down on them.

My stock phrase - "Be nice, I'll be nice, be nasty, I'll be nastier!"

It's that difficult time from childhood to adulthood, boundaries have to be laid, down by you, and pushed by her. Stay calm, be reasonable, and she'll be fine. Honest - I've got threee hgirls, and the youngest is just seventeen, so I do know!