Divorce guilt

[shoemad]

I've been divorced for nearly twelve years now and happily married to my second husband for nine years. I thought I'd got over the stress and guilt of leaving my first husband but recently I keep going over it all in my mind and remembering how heartbroken my children were, although they're all in their twenties now and seem ok. But I can't forgive myself for putting them through all the trauma and ruining their childhood just because I was unhappy. I seem to be crying a lot and thinking back to when they were little and wondering if they would have had happier lives if I'd stayed with their dad. I feel that it's wrong for me to be happy when I've caused so much pain. My ex husband has remarried and we are on good terms but he has seen very little of the children over the years saying that if he couldn't be a full time dad, then he didn't want to be a part time one. So effectively they lost their father when we divorced. My second husband has been (and still is) wonderful but I still can't help feeling that I should have put the children first and stuck it out.
Don't know what my question is really, just needed to write it down.
Anyone else been through a divorce? Does the guilt/remorse ever go?

[ChampagneMan]

No use crying over spilt milk. And you only live once. So, unless your kids turned out to be junkies or pimps, i think that you did a fine job and they should be grateful for that. Possibly, if you were stuck unhappily in the first marriage, you would have made things worse and blamed your kids and ------------. Just be happy, Life is too short to be so remorseful. Cheers!!!

[WendyS]

Has something unusual happened in your life recently to trigger these feelings? A friend's marriage or divorce or some similar major life event which has caused you to pause and reflect back?
You were unhappily married and divorced. Are you feeling guilty because you couldn't cope and felt inadequate at the time? You are older now, your husband has made a new life for himself and you appear to be happy. Your ex husband made a decision not see his children and yes, they will have missed the support and affection he could have given them. But they are adults now and must take responsibility for their own well being. Perhaps they will have learned a lesson about life and commitment when they come to make permanent relationships of their own. You can't change the past. Whether you were right or wrong not to have put them first is a matter for conjecture. It is not too late for your ex husband to rebuild a relationship with his children but that is his decision. Maybe if you can edge all of them towards this, it will help you to overcome your own feelings of guilt about what they may have missed out on in the past.

[funkymoped]

i think crying over spilt milk is all part of our lives...

some of us can brush off the past, some cant ! if you are worried about you kids, talk to them. they are adults now. if the divorce affected them im sure they would be able to talk it over with you.

i think you may have bottled up lots of emotions where your children were concerned and need to let it all out...

i havnt been through divorce, but know it can be a deeper pain than you are/were able to show..

my advice is to talk to your children when you feel the time is right.
Good luck for the future.

[whiskeysheri]

Hi shoemad!

I agree with funky (hi funky!). If it's eating you up, you should try and talk to them about it and put your mind at rest.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 13 and she soon married my step-dad who treated me really badly, this ended up affecting our relationship seriously. It's only recently (8 years on), now they have divorced, that we have talked about how things were and how we both felt- it's helped me a LOT!

Obviously the circumstances are completely different, but it will help to talk about it. It sounds like you've done a great job though, don't beat yourself up, hun.

xxx :o)

[shoemad]

I really can't believe how supportive all you people are.
Here I am at my desk (yes, I should be working!!) welling up at your comments. Maybe it's some sort of mid life crisis but I do seem to be dwelling on the past such a lot and brooding over photos from years ago.
Thank you so much for your replies.

[jennyp]

Have you ever asked your children now they are adults what they think -
As for their losing their dad as well, that was his decision not yours - not being a part time dad if he couldn't be a full time one - what a cop out.
My parents were always rowing albeit many years ago, and I am sure my mother would have been a much happier person if she had left my dad, and visa versa.

[bednobs]

your ex husband was the idiot - "if i can't be a full time dad i don't want to be a part time one" why the hell not?