To marry or not to marry, that is the question, whether it is nobler .....

[Carakeel]

Given that a relationship is strong, healthy, loving and as perfect as it can get and both partners have every intention to stay together for the rest of their lives .... the question is "To marry or not to marry...?

I was married twice. I left my first husband as his physical abuse made me fear for my life. My second husband was a lovely guy but couldn't face even the smallest problems without having a mental breakdown. The day a really big problem entered our lives, when I was diagnosed with cancer, he left me and my three young children with the immortal words "I love you too much to stay and watch you die!" (never quite figured that one out, but hey! LOL) So, I ended up fighting for my life, as well as a short time later watching my son battle cancer and the indescribable trauma of watching his life ebb away, without the special support and love of a strong partner. This killed my trust in relationships and put me off marriage big time! I deliberately stayed on my own for over 20 years after that.

I have learned to trust and love again, thanks to the deep love of the most amazing man and am happier than ever before in my life. So, is my fear of marriage a healthy one or not? And do people always change when they get married? What do you think?

[havinmysay]

well how much does marriage mean to u both to me its just abit of paper

[Tha-Flash]

Marriage... you don't need marriage. JUST HAVE A HUGE PARTY TO CELEBRATE THE LOVE.

[ELVIS68]

Hows the saying go?.......If it aint broke...

[raysparx1]

Hi Carakeel,

I would say if you really love each other,get married, I know it isn't a must,but I still believe in it and it does have advantages over living together,and it is a lovely feeling knowing someone loves you that much they are willing to commit to it, I know I will be blasted for saying so, but you know what I don't care, I can only speak about how I feel,so you must follow your own feelings, as you have now found real love,do you want to marry ? or are you truly happy as you are ? whatever you decide, I hope your love lasts, Ray xx

[noxlumos]

People told my wife and I not to get married because we'd somehow "spoil it" because we were very happy before we got married. I did think about this, especially as I'd had a disasterous loveless first mariage which brought out the very worst in me. However then I thought, hang on marriage isn't about bits of paper or someone else's approval or even anything religious. It's about yelling from the rooftops that this is the one and only, all singing, all dancing, fantastic, no-one like them in the world ever, person for you. It's the ultimate compliment and affirmation of your love for someone. Your unique union. Ahead and above of everything else on the planet. And on that basis I decided to ask her to marry me because it somehow just suddenly seemed very important. WE didn't change muchly, but I was happy and proud that she'd married me, chosen me above all other men that it did make a very positive difference in very subtle ways. So imho, if you are right for each other then go ahead and marry and a long and happy life to you both:)

[prospector]

You talk about your feelings on this matter ... no mention about the partner's thoughts?

How do you perceive marriage ... a statement, adherence to a Faith, lower taxation .... ?

What are you hoping that 'marriage' will do / achieve?

It's a decision for you and your partner .... remember the adult kids also!

And, don't forget the pressure of the arrangements etc

[Carakeel]

aaawww! (tears in eyes now)
raysparks and nox, what lovely replies! You have both put your words so beautifully! Thank you. I guess I am just a bit shocked having just realised that I feel so totally safe, free and at home in my partner's heart that I am gradually losing my fears. My parents had such a wonderful marriage and I agree with you that it is not about the piece of paper but a total affirmation of love. And believe it or not, amazingly despite my age I feel as excited about my partner as you do about yours nox. God, we are so lucky!!!
Thank you both. xx
My partner's previous marriage ended several years ago, long before I came along, but his divorce is only now going though. So we have no plans as yet - and I am not even sure if he will want to get married. Am really only questioning my own fears at the moment. :o)

[tradey]

my husbands brother and partner have been together since they were at school they have two kids and have been together now for 24yrs,they have no intention to get married they are happy as they are and i think in a way their scarred if they do get married things might change for the worse.

[Hellion]

Carakeel Ray and Nox have put it so beautifully I don't feel I can add much! If I wasn't already married wouldn't you just pick one of those two softies?!
I lived with my husband for several years but we decided to get married because we liked the way our lives were and wanted to put the final seal on it. We didn't change after we were married and that's as it should be, you get married because you like the way things are not to make it feel different!

It also make sending Christams cards to you much simpler just Mr and Mrs instead of 2 names taking up half the enevelope lol!