Animals & Nature0 min ago
Laughter is the Best Medicine!!
Lets all get into a happy mood, anyone got any good jokes?
I'll start!
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall one afternoon.
A few minutes later, a young man walks up and sits directly across from him. His hair was spiked in many different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked up, he caught the old man staring.
The young guy was now getting upset, and finally says sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replies, "Actually I did, about 25 years ago, I got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot.
"And I was just wondering if by chance, you could be my son".
;o)
I'll start!
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall one afternoon.
A few minutes later, a young man walks up and sits directly across from him. His hair was spiked in many different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked up, he caught the old man staring.
The young guy was now getting upset, and finally says sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replies, "Actually I did, about 25 years ago, I got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot.
"And I was just wondering if by chance, you could be my son".
;o)
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One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side,
it had snowed during the night and everything was
covered in snow. He looks down and sees something
written in urine on the lawn it reads
"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".
Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I
hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them
to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to
be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal."
The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr.
Clinton we did DNA , urine and handwriting tests. Do
you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."
Bill sighs "bad I guess".
"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh!
Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...What's
the awful news?!"
The FBI agents look at each other...
"The hand writing was Hillary's"
it had snowed during the night and everything was
covered in snow. He looks down and sees something
written in urine on the lawn it reads
"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".
Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I
hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them
to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to
be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal."
The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr.
Clinton we did DNA , urine and handwriting tests. Do
you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."
Bill sighs "bad I guess".
"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh!
Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...What's
the awful news?!"
The FBI agents look at each other...
"The hand writing was Hillary's"
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, are reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics And Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company,
Where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the Best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something Very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,
000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub" The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. Why should I be, He's My son and I love him very much. Besides he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the range Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics And Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company,
Where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the Best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something Very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,
000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub" The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. Why should I be, He's My son and I love him very much. Besides he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the range Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
-- answer removed --
-- answer removed --
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down "How did you do tonight"? asked her mother.
"Not too good" she replied "I only got �25 for a b**w j*b"
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we only charged a fiver!"
"Good God!" says grandma, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs" !!!
"Not too good" she replied "I only got �25 for a b**w j*b"
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we only charged a fiver!"
"Good God!" says grandma, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs" !!!
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