son wants to move back home

[anonymoushel]

this is quite a long story, here are the main points:
-im in my late 50's...work a minimum wage job, in debt cannot live alone and need assistance with expenses
-daughter moved back home after over 10 years and paid rent with me but now moved out after less than a year to live with a boyfriend
-oldest son wants to move back home to "help out"
-problem is: he has a major temper, likes things his own way, likes to be in control, starts to fight or throw things if he's over the top
-i have another daughter at home now who would be stuck in the middle and she too feels him moving back will be a problem
-son got mad when i decided him moving in would not work
-daughter decided to pay rent for now and if things get too hectic money wise, we'll just move out again
-im thinking about my health and a stress free home for myself and daughter. don't like to be bothered by all this moving crap and if my son did move in and decided to move out again, where would i stand then?
-looking for advice, tips..i may sound selfish and thats not what i want, just trying to look at this realistically,
-any suggestions?? should i feel terrible for this?

[tiny e.a]

You're perfectly entitled to be allowed a stress free home life and if you think your son would hinder this then no, you shouldn't feel terrible for not wanting him to move back in. How old is he if you don't mind me asking? It sounds like saying no to him may do him some good as he sounds used to getting his own way. Explain to him that you really appreciate his offer of helping out but that you would like to try and handle things yourself without having to rely on him. Tell him you don't want to put the responsibility on to him and he should be out enjoying his own life, not worrying about yours. He may not be so angry if you try to make out you're just thinking of him. Be firm though, don't let him persuade you otherwise.

[anonymoushel]

tiny e.a. thanks for replying

my son is 30. he has always had trouble getting along with his father but was always under excellent care with me despite arguments and what not. he's a great guy but has got quite a temper and gets mad very quickly if things arent done his way which we are sometimes intimidated by. even when he comes over with his daughter, we feel as though we cannot do something with her without his permission and feel constrained to taking her out or feeding her a cookie now and then. i feel like hes going to control her life even more very soon. hes just like that. he was married and just divorced about a year ago and has a small child. he's now moving out of his current home due to maintenance issues and practically offered to move in without making sure it was alright with us. i know he is very upset and probably feels as though we have neglected him. i just cant imagine what it would be like if he were here to live each day. what is odd though is that the eldest daughter who now moved out feels like we should let him move in (even though she clearly knows his temper and probably would not let him move in either) Its like im being ganged upon. she has helped me greatly with my situation and im happy for her but she also just left me to move in with someone else knowing i cannot handle the expenses alone. crazy life i tell you! funny how people turn things around when it concerns themselves! sorry that was long.

[joko]

perhaps you could divide the house up?

he takes upstairs, you down or whatever.

you could turn a bedroom into a living room for him and perhaps even install little kitchenette for him, own kettle microwave etc etc.

then just share the bathroom

depends on size of house obviously.

[lady_p_gold]

It must be very hard for you to be in this situation but you have had many years of bringing him up, and you deserve to live out the rest of your life and have some time to yourself. You already know it is not going to work and you are feeling under pressure, it will end up with a big fight and you having nowhere to live, so my advice is do not allow him to move back in. Also if he had regard for you he would not put you under this pressure, he is old enough to look after himself. We all have difficulties in our life but I do not think you are doing him any favours anyway, by letting him move back. You are being bullied into it already and it will all end in tears, so better to be tough now even though it is not easy it is the right thing to do.

[Kassee]

Almost in same situation myself. Mid 50s, have 4 grown up children they have all moved out and then back in at different times in their life, usually when they hit problems, often taking things for granted, forgetting to pay their rent etc. One son was always arguing and aggressive with me, although he did move back in again after leaving for a number of years. I have often thought of selling up and moving into a little one bed-room flat and just looking after myself - but at the moment its just a thought!!!