separated from wife

[bigdavie0]

right dont know where to start here but here goes,me and my wife have recently seperated,she had an affair and i found out,now she is renting a house and i am in our house we have agreed that our 13 year old daughter will stay with me for a week and then my wife for a week,but she is still seeing him and i made her tell our daughter what she had done and that she was still seeing him,well my daughter was very angry with her mother and her mother told her that they were just friends.
now last week when daughter came to stay at home she was very upset and told me that this guy rings her mum up about 8 times a night and it wakes my daughter up from her sleep my daughter has had a word with her mum and told her she wants nothing to do with her boyfriend and she does not want him in her life at all,but her mother tells our daughter that will not happen,she is telling her that she needs some space and me and her mum might get back together but i know that is not true.now i have found out that when my daughter is in her care she has left her on her own in the house so that she can go and see her boyfriend she has also worked it that my daughter goes to one of her friends and stays a couple of hours while she goes to see him.is there anything i can do about this i do not want to have a word with my wife because my daughter thinks i am causing trouble because my wife is very sneaky the way she does things and the way she manipulates my daughter
please help

[trionam]

I would think that at 13 maybe your daughter is old enough to decide where she lives,it sounds as though she couldnt be happy living with your wife the way things are but you will need to talk to her and see how she feels,Maybe its time to se where you stand legally,hopefully someone here mights be able to advise you on that side of things,Hope it all works for you.

[Psychick]

Has your daughter ever expressed wishes of living with just you and would this be possible if its what she wants? The thing your daughter really needs right now is stability and security and she isnt going to get it going between the two of you and she obviously isnt going to get it with her mother at the moment. Thats not to say that things will change and her homelife with her mother will improve.
The best place for you to go to for advice is the Citizens Advice Bureau. They will tell you where you stand legally and go through all the options with you.
Good luck.

[merlin58]

Its a mess, this type of thing always is. If you really do not want your wife back (or even in your life) then try and take control of things.

The fact is, its you child that is really going through it and unless you can get things sorted out she will have issues for many years to come.

I had two step children but when my wife and I seperated due to physical abuse they took her side. I accepted that have started to rebuild my life (on my own).

Accept what has happened and (your child is old enough) tell her to make up her mind where she would like to live. And tell her to stop selling tales about things and move on.

Remember there are three sides to every story. Your side, her side and the real truth.

Oh, one more thing, forget all about women. They are a p.i.t.a. and its just not worth the effort.

Stand on your own, you will be surprised how good it feels.

Hope things get better soon.

[natalie_1982]

Not bitter then Merlin? lol

Davie, I was in a similar situation at a similar age to your daughter except I HAD to live with my mother and watch this all going on in front of me, and it caused me a great deal of problems and in some ways, although I love her dearly and we get on well now and I'd never ever hold it against her or tell her how I feel, deep down I don't think I can forgive my mum properly for not being there for me when I was falling apart and she was galavanting with her fling. Sadly although I would have loved to, living with my dad was not an option, he went to stay at his parents' house and there was no room, plus I had to stay whre my younger brother was to make sure he was ok - at 14/15 I was old enough to care for myself.

Please just talk, talk and talk with your daughter, don't let it become competition between you and you wife, above all ensure your daughter knows you love her more than anything and whatever she chooses is ok with you. She may choose to live with her mum (at 13 the freedom her mum is giving her, although for the wrong reasons, may seem attractive to start with), then in two weeks want to stay with you. Give her time to adjust and to settle, but just make sure she knows she is wanted and safe wherever she is. Don't use the treatment of your ddaughter as a way to get back at your ex.

Best of luck with everything x x x

[Seafarer1966]

My heart goes out to you man. It has taken me three years to get over my split from my wife (she had an affair with a bloke off a dating site). The worst period of my life.

I just managed to get back on the property ladder after she took me to the cleaners (having a good pension really went against me...I got taken for �100,000...she got the house and the kids...everything).

The most important thing is the welfare of your daughter. She is at a difficult age anyway (girls between 13-16 are nightmares) and she sounds like she hasn't accepted that her mum and dad have split up. At the age of 11 a child can legally choose who she lives with. My son wants to come and live with me but his sis is only 9. I can't bear the thought of her being seprated from her brother so I've told him to hang on a couple more years.

Keep your powder dry son.....what goes around comes around and you will have your day with your ex....but not yet.

[Seafarer1966]

Sorry forgot this bit:

Try and resolve the financial side of things if possible with your wife yourself. Go to mediation....look this up in the yellow pages or ask the Citizens Advice Bureau where they are.

Avoid solicitors if you can. They are money grabbing sharks. Every phone call is a minimum �25. Every letter is the same. My legal bill was �6000 and that was after I sacked my solicitor and went through mediation. One of my best friends legal bill stands at �22,000 for his split.

Mediation can help you draw up a separation agreement. They charge about �50 an hour unlike solicitors who charge between �160 -�250 an hour.

Best wishes. Keep your head together. You will get through it but at the moment you ain't seeing any light at the end of the tunnel (been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt).

[banjobabe]

Hey Bigdavie0,

You seem to have a lot of good advice so far. All I would add is contact parentline they can offer some good advice. Also bear in mind that your daughter may well change her mind constantly about what she wants and who she wants to stay with.

Also you may have to keep speaking to your ex to a certain extent or you daughter could end up with the upper hand by manipulating you both.

My ex wouldn't speak to me for about 6 years even when our daughter went to live with him, when I rang to discuss our daughter he would put the phone down! Now he's realised that he more or less gave her the upper hand.

Best of luck and I hope you and your daughter have a lovely Christmas and a much better new year.

BB xx

[bigdavie0]

thanks for your answers everyone really good advice i will try and put some of it into practice
thanks a lot