Domestic Violence before Marriage in The AnswerBank: Relationships & Dating

Tell her to put the marriage on hold for the moment (at least) What happens when they're married with kids and he loses his job,then they cant pay the mortgage,my guess is that he'll hit the booze and drugs and probably kill her! Why did he hit her anyway?

lil123

After living with domestic violence for nearly 20 years before I finally plucked up the courage to go in a refuge, which was 2 and half years ago, all I can say to you is that she will leave when she feels ready.
I had people begging me to live my violient ex husband but because he made me feel so worthless, I just put up with it until I could take no more.
Just be there for her and give her women's aid number they are fantastic x

marval

She should definitely put her wedding on hold. She needs to tell him that she will not accept that behaviour. If he is violent, he needs to get anger management. But there must be no marriage until she can be sure, that it won't happen again. If she wishes to get advice then she can do so.

God'sChild

Question Author

Hi guys thanks for your quick replys!

As far as I understand she said he hit her because she done a lot of things in the past that have hurt him & apparently she keeps doing this which makes him angry & this is not the first time!
She didn't explain what she has done but she said that her fiancee said to her as long as she doesn't do things he tells her not too, he won't get angry! But apparently he has acknowledged to her that he was wrong!!!

I really don't know what to make of it all but I think I will get her to contact Women's Aid as lil23 has suggested from her experience....thank you for your advice

cazzz1975

domestic abusers often blame the person they abuse for being hit, they convince them that everything is there fault, eventually she will get a slap for turning on the light too late or the dinner being a degree too cold

personally I would walk from this situation, he will put her down to a point where she feels worthless so she wont leave, can you imagine her having kids with this guy and them having to live the abuse.

I would walk now whilst she has some self esteem

paraffin

Love is blind!

Ankou

we on a crossover

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Society-and-Cul ture/Religion-and-Spirituality/Question751484. html

marie26

Your friend needs to get out of this now. This will not stop otherwise. As Cazz says his level of tolerance will get less and less. It is not your friend's fault, it is his, and until she accepts this if will go on. Supposedly loving relationships do not give one partner the right to assualt the other.

mazza123

As much as you want to help your friend, unfortunately she can only help herself. As harsh as that sounds its the truth. I think there is alot more to this relationship that she has probably told you. Violence is a form of weakness, any man that will raise a hand to a woman clearly have issues. You may find that he has been controlling her through manipulation, if this is the case getting yourself too involved you will only end up putting her in a very awkward position, and 9 times out of 10 a woman in this situation will normally stands by the man. The best advice i can give you is to listen to her, never judge or tell her what to do ( as much as you want to) it may take a couple of weeks, or a couple of months + but one day she will finally come to her senses.

mazza123

As much as you want to help your friend, unfortunately she can only help herself. As harsh as that sounds its the truth. I think there is alot more to this relationship that she has probably told you. Violence is a form of weakness, any man that will raise a hand to a woman clearly have issues. You may find that he has been controlling her through manipulation, if this is the case getting yourself too involved you will only end up putting her in a very awkward position, and 9 times out of 10 a woman in this situation will normally stands by the man. The best advice i can give you is to listen to her, never judge or tell her what to do ( as much as you want to) it may take a couple of weeks, or a couple of months but one day she will finally come to her senses.

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shanilisa

tell her to get out of that relationship - been there, done that - he will not stop and it will get worse

Whoever

General experience would suggest that once a man is violent to a woman, that behaviour will continue. It's very rarely a one-off act. If your friend has any sense and will listen to those who have her interests at heart she will delay the wedding indefinitely while she ponders what sort of future she might end up having to endure with this man. Loving somebody is not enough to secure a happy relationship. He obviously cannot control his temper and this does not augur well for the future. If she has any sense, she will realise that she is worth better than this kind of treatment and sever the relationship now before it causes her a great deal of heartbreak, or she has children, which will really hamper her options for action in the future.

God'sChild

Question Author

Thanks everyone for your time and the great advice...
I have told her to contact Women's Aid & if she's unable to do it herself, I will for her.....

She actually called me this evening secretly & said that her fiancee found out today the she has been secretly recording their arguments on her mobile - was so angry with her but didn't hit her this time! He just keeps calling her deceitful & untrustorthy making her feel really guilty...........despite what he's done.....

gossipgirl

well speaking from personal experience i would say she has to get out now but i also know that that is not always as clear cut as that. My ex beat me for years before i found the courage to leave and she wont leave until SHE is ready.

bensmum

My advice - get out while she still can. This shows controlling behaviour which is likely to get worse. And I am speaking from experience here. However I do agree that she will not do it until she is ready so continue to be there for her, she will need you. I wish her luck and the strength to cope with this

Domestic Violence before Marriage

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