News2 mins ago
Jokes at the wrong moment
23 Answers
I have a real problem with cracking jokes at the wrong time.
The thread about the consequences of some woman having a go at the mistresses parents was so ripe for jokes, and I'm struggling to control myself.
It's like some form of cr@p humour tourettes. Please help me!!
The thread about the consequences of some woman having a go at the mistresses parents was so ripe for jokes, and I'm struggling to control myself.
It's like some form of cr@p humour tourettes. Please help me!!
Answers
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Found some old war photos this morning. Got me thinking of old mates etc.
One of my good mates was a bloke called Tucker. Tucker was a big bloke from the west country, proper farm-boy, webbed fingers and everything. Anyway Tuck's loved his background and was proud of his history. But he also was the worlds biggest geek for tractors. He fuggin loved 'em. He flew all over the world collecting rare parts.
The bloke spent a fortune, and on a trip to Italy to buy some rare Lamborghini tractor steering wheel he met this stunning italian girl out there. It was pretty much love at first sight, and we hardly ever saw him outside of work after that. The thing is, as gorgeous as this girl was (and she was!! Most blokes would've crawled across broken glass to just stand in her shadow) she was very controlling and fashion-obsessed. She kept stopping his tractor trips so she could use the money to buy Prada and Gucci.
Anyway, one day Tuck's came into the bar looking fit to cry. We asked him what was up and he explained that she'd forced him to choose. "It's me or the tractors". Well the beer soaked advice was that a) he's an ugly git, b) she's fitter than God, c) tractors are crap, and d) this was a no brainer. He followed our advice, sold his entire collection and used the money for a round the world cruise for him and his missus.
One of my good mates was a bloke called Tucker. Tucker was a big bloke from the west country, proper farm-boy, webbed fingers and everything. Anyway Tuck's loved his background and was proud of his history. But he also was the worlds biggest geek for tractors. He fuggin loved 'em. He flew all over the world collecting rare parts.
The bloke spent a fortune, and on a trip to Italy to buy some rare Lamborghini tractor steering wheel he met this stunning italian girl out there. It was pretty much love at first sight, and we hardly ever saw him outside of work after that. The thing is, as gorgeous as this girl was (and she was!! Most blokes would've crawled across broken glass to just stand in her shadow) she was very controlling and fashion-obsessed. She kept stopping his tractor trips so she could use the money to buy Prada and Gucci.
Anyway, one day Tuck's came into the bar looking fit to cry. We asked him what was up and he explained that she'd forced him to choose. "It's me or the tractors". Well the beer soaked advice was that a) he's an ugly git, b) she's fitter than God, c) tractors are crap, and d) this was a no brainer. He followed our advice, sold his entire collection and used the money for a round the world cruise for him and his missus.
The last time I saw him was a few years back. It was back before the smoking ban had come in and we'd gone for a drink. Anyway, the pub we'ed gone to was really busy and very smokey. Tuck's missus was acting the princess yet again and wanted fresh air. It was raining so the beer garden was a no go, so he went to the barman and asked him to open some windows. "No can do" said the barman, so Tucks decided to deal with situation himself. He took a massive deep breath in and cleared all the smoke form the pub in a single gasp!
"How the funk did you do that??" Asked the barman. "Easy," said Tucks "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
Ahhhh memories.
"How the funk did you do that??" Asked the barman. "Easy," said Tucks "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
Ahhhh memories.
In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
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