It's happened!

[icemaiden]

I knew the day would come but wasn't expecting it so soon.

My 10 year old daughter has asked about her "Biological" Dad. Who he is? Why did he leave? etc. He left when she was 3 months old. We were together for 15 years. He just left for work and never returned. I have never seen him or spoken to him since but I do know where he lives and that he is married.

I have been really honest with her. I have not slagged him off to her or anything like that. I loved her Dad very much and have told her that. I showed photos of him to her because she asked if I had any. I said that he couldn't support us and got scared. (Which I am guessing is the reason). The problem is now that she has asked me where he lives and that she wants to talk to him. I don't want to lie to her but at the same time I don't think meeting him yet would be a good idea. I think she is too young. And I am scared at what his reaction would be. I have not mentioned this to my current partner yet, he has been in our lives since she was 5 and she considers him as her Dad.

Any advice and experience from anyone would be so helpful right now.
Thanking you in advance.

[jaydah]

Talk it over with your partner who has helped maintain her & let him contact the bio-dad if he agrees.

[ummmm]

I would speak to your partner first. Then contact her father and see what he has to say. If he's not interested then tell her you don't know where he lives.

[icemaiden]

Thanks Jaydah- I will speak with my partner, just need to find the right time. I have a feeling he will say it's up to me what to do. I don't think he would want to get involved with her father at all.

[Count-A-Strong]

Tell your partner as soon as possible. The longer you leave it the more difficult it will become.

[ummmm]

It is up to you. Personally I would contact her father whether my partner agreed or not.

[icemaiden]

Thanks Ummmm. Yes I suppose I could ring him. I could obtain his number from somewhere. Atleast then I will know as you say, if he is interested. Gosh now I am getting nervous just thinking about it.

[icemaiden]

Thanks count-a-strong.
Yes I will speak with him. it's only fair that he knows.

[ummmm]

Ice - It's probably better it happens at this age. They are quite resilient and not yet hormonal..!

[icemaiden]

That's very true Ummmm....hadn't thought of that. Although sometimes I wonder! 10 going on 15!

[ummmm]

Lol...so imagine what she'll be like at 15...

[NOX]

I was just going to say that I think THE most important thing is to be deadly honest with your daughter about his reaction to the idea of meeting her. Although I know it's not going to be comfortable for her, if he says he doesn't want to see her, you need to tell her that, before she starts getting ideas that there is some sort of 'star crossed thing going on and he's a lovely bloke just circumstances have come between them' . As it is now, she's never met him, so she can't really care about him as she has a Dad in your partner, so if there is anything painful to be done do it now, truthfully, so you and her ' Dad' are 100% in the right and it won't come back to haunt you later.
My first ex wife dumped our kids on me and has never so much as sent a christmas card since, my second ex has always been their mother, but we did have from the youngest lad questions similar to yours, we were honest and it worked out just fine as he realises it says more about his biological mother than it does about him or us ( he was about 8 at the time of asking).

[saxy_jag]

You do need to talk it over with your current partner, because this is something that involves all three of you (although talk it over away from your daughter in the first instance). If he's as good a father and husband as you imply, then I'm sure he'll be perfectly understanding.

I would also discretely contact your ex and let him know what the situation is. It could be he doesn't want to see her, for a whole host of reasons, and it would be unfair to build up your daughter's hopes only to have them dashed away.

I wouldn't forbid her outright, though, even at 10. The last thing you want is her going off and finding him off her own bat and the whole situation getting out of hand.

[icemaiden]

Hi Nox- Thank you for your answer.

I agree with being honest and have been so far. I always said to myself that when this time came I would be completely honest with her from the start. I really have no idea what his reaction would be to meeting her. I would be devastated for her if he didn't want to see her. She is so young to be rejected by someone who should be an important person in her life,but then I forget that children are more resiliant than we think.

[ummmm]

They are Ice....My Ex picks up and drops my boys on a whim. He arranges to see them and then we won't hear from him for 6 months. I've always been honest with them. They have me and my OH, who is a great Dad to them. They now know what their Dad is like so have no expectations of him.

Their Dad does tend to spend time doing fun things with them...so they now just see him as a day out...something that might not happen again for months..

[icemaiden]

Hi Saxy_jag -Thank you for your answer.

She has mentioned that if I didn't know where he lived, she would look on the internet and try and find him! So I know by that, that she is interested in seeing him. I wouldn't want her to do it on her own as you say, it could get out of hand. So I need to bite the bullet and talk to my partner as soon as poss and get some courage to contact her dad.

[Sqad]

Icemaiden......I was told that my father was not my biological father until I was 16years old and never wanted to contact him or see him until I was about 45yrs old.......it just happened and I can´t explain why. I wanted him to know about his illegitimate son, what had happened to me in my life, I wanted to know what he looked like, what his sense of humour was like ect.
My biological mother gave me his telephone number and one Saturday night I phoned him..............he didnt want to know me.

No big deal..........life goes on and I don´t think that it has affected me.

This is something between your daughter and her biological father and I don´t think that hormones will play any part in this. I would phone her father, put the point to her and act on his response or non response.

Good luck

[icemaiden]

You have made me realise Ummmm that at the end of the day, myself and my partner will be there for her whatever happens. They have their scraps from time to time but he is a great "Dad" to her too.

[andy-hughes]

As a step-dad, I can be pretty sure that your current partner has known this day will come, so it will not be a surprise to him when you mention it.

My eldest daughters' dad and my wife were divorced when they were six and four, he had little, and then no contact with them at all. The oldest remembers the bad times,. and wants nothing to do with him, having seen him once when she had her young daughter with her. They were cordial, but it's apparent that neither of them was interested in the other. Our middle daughther, being something of a drama queen, went through a period of 'finding her roots' which involved contacting him without our knowledge, not that ww would have wished to stop her contact.

So, as someone in your partner's position, you need to dicsuss this with him. It's no-one's 'fault' - it's simply circumstances. Rest assured that your daughter's good relationship with your partner will ensure that she knows who her dad is (as opposed to her father - there is a world of difference!) and will get you all through this.

Personally, I would try to head of contact at this age - but every case is different, and you need to find out the views of all parites before you move forward on this.

Your partner needs to know - you have to be a couple on this, as you are with everything else.

Keep us updated won't you?

[icemaiden]

Thank you Sqad and Andy-hughes for taking the time to answer.

All your answers have been so helpful to me. Very interesting and enlightening to read. I have been stewing all week with what to do. Again, people on here have helped me make a decision that I may not have made before, and from reading your answers, I may be worrying too much, unecessarily.
Again, thank you.
Will keep you updated.