Put downs

[parkie]

I went to Kent yesterday for my nephew's wedding.
Had a brilliant time but the groom's speech, which was one of the best I've ever heard, kept being interrupted by someone who'd had too much to drink and it was spoiling it for the rest of us.
In the end, my nephew, who is a teacher, looked hard at the heckler and said, "You are just one more comment away from being put on the naughty step".
This was followed by cheers and applause from everyone else and shut the heckler up.

Anyone else know of any good 'put downs'?

[Mick-Talbot]

I guess you had to be there, parkdale.

[excelsior-1]

i used this onc ...

..."i refuse to engage in a battle of wits with someone who is only half qualified"

[craft1948]

Years ago I went to see Jasper Carrott and as soon as he came on stage a drunk started heckling him. Carrott looked at him and said "I was going to come out tonight and imitate a pratt, but I see someone's beaten me to it"

[mike11111]

I once said to a particularly obnoxious girl who was giving me grief in class: "Now, Daisy, after school straight home, mind!Best get back to the byre before the farmer notices that you're missing".

[Answerprancer]

"She's got two brains - one is lost and the other is out looking for it".

[Vicasso]

'Do you sleep with your mouth open because I know someone who is looking for overnight parking'

[parkie]

Groucho Marx belonged to two clubs and decided one was enough, but when he tried to resign from the other the directors kept insisting he put it in writing.
In the end he sent them a short, curt note.

'I refuse to belong to a club which would have me as a member.'

[emmie]

if brains were gunpowder he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off
quote i believe by Dorothy Parker

[emmie]

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

Dorothy Parker, speaking of Katharine Hepburn

[tonyav]

She can't be two faced, other wise she'd be wearing the other one.

[ladybirder]

Somebody'll come up with the Churchill one shortly.

[granny grump]

I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man

[tonyav]

The drunk v ugly, ladybirder.

[emmie]

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

[excelsior-1]

97 million sperm ...... and you were the fastest??

[tonyav]

Gawd, Churchill a bloody genius.

[wardlaw]

A Billy Connolly classic. 'Hey pal, you should get an agent. Why sit out there in the dark handlin yersel''

[New Judge]

The Churchill one:

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee"

Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife I'd drink it!"

[emmie]

NJ
i got there first... x

[excelsior-1]

all these aside, parkdale.

glad you had a good time - and congratulations to your nephew & his new bride