Christmas Funds Or Lack Of....

[FrillyPancake]

....we can't afford Christmas this year, and were unable to last year too due to redundancy etc.
Just getting back on our feet now after 18 months of breadline living. Anyway, text mu last year to say we couldn't' afford it and not to get us anything. Everyone did anyway, which made me feel bad - still to this day. This one is looming, and I feel a bit foolish having to text again, to say the same thing but probably awaiting presents once more, which we really want to say again "don't get us anything, just let's have a really quiet one", but I know this won't happen...Am in a quandary, haven't seen mum since March anyway - our family isn't that close due to numerous things that happened lately and I really just want to forget the whole thing as we simply don't have the cash to spend. How do I go about this, and the guilt and the dreaded "text" to say once more we can't afford it?? I am wracked with guilt already and it's only October!
Tia
Frilly

[Bathsheba]

aaww Frilly, am so sorry to read this :(
Just be honest,...we've had 2 quiet and sad Christmases due to my clinical depression, but hopefully that will be different this year,...just got the cancer left now :p
We haven't had a tree for donkey's years though, just no room for one ;)
Don't feel guilty, just be honest

Baths
x x x

[andy-hughes]

The genuine essence of Christmas is the pleasure of giving, but sadly, our culture dictates that the receiver of a gift must give one in return, hence your issue once again.

I would be inclined to send a slightly more forceful text this time -

"Once again we find ourselves unable to afford to buy Christmas gifts this year, and while we appreciate your love and generosity, we really would prefer that you don't buy us gifts this year because the enjoyment of them is cancelled by the embarrassment of being unable to buy for you in return.

I am sure you will understand our situation - we are spending a minimal Christmas again this year, and your understanding in not making us feel bad, by not giving us Christmas gifts this year, will be really appreciated.

Hopefully this will be the last year when we are in this position - thank you again for your love and understanding."

Then if you do get any gifts, you need not feel embarrassed because the giver has decided to override your wishes and reasons, so you can accept the gift(s) graciously, and they will know they are not getting anything in return.

Hope this helps.

[FrillyPancake]

Thanks Baths, and sorry to hear that - I normally spend out loads at Xmas time and make a right big deal of it, I'm not sad about it - last year turned out ok, but we just didn't buy presents, it's all too much money for us just now - and we just need to tow the line till the downturn picks up - how can you convey that without sounding like a sad sack lol - I don't want sympathy - just people in the family to say yeah ok good idea - let's forget pressies, lets do something else come other time - or something along that line. Just we have so much bills to pay - as I say I don't want help or sympathy just folk to not talk about me behind my back lol and think I'm being a bah humbug - which just isn't me!

[FrillyPancake]

Thanks Andy, however me and mum have a very stained relationship of late, so any texts have been to tell of really bad news / really good news, but last year instead of seeing her my sister was coerced to bring them out to us, knocked on the door while I was running to get it and drove off after leaving them on the doorstep (we don't talk) - how awkward, the whole thought of Xmas is making me feel very unwell with guilt and/or "well we can't afford it" so there's nothing I can do. I would normally post something out to them - but as I say we really cannot spend out this year, and wish that folk would just understand this instead of as you say "overriding our wishes" or something like that......I am not being rude when I say I don't want gifts, I just want our wishes to be reciprocated to save embarrassment more than anything. Is there anything wrong with feeling like this? I am literally keeping up at night thinking about the "text" - it's driving me barmy, as I get the impression they will be "here they go again" type thing if that makes sense after last years bad luck....

[scorpiojo]

Sometimes, people don't want anything in return, FP. If they choose to ignore your request again, don't feel bad :)

[andy-hughes]

Hi Frilly,

There are two points here - the issue, and how you deal with it.

You can't change the first, but you can change the second.

Send out the text I advised - or a version of it, and than know that you have done your best.

You have a perfect right to do as you wish for Christmas, whatever your reasons, which are completely understandable.

If people go against your request, that is for them to deal with, you must simply learn not to be so upset about what people think of you.

If your family insist on going against what you have asked for, it shows a lack of consideration for your feelings, and more importantly, a lack of respect for you as an adult.

If they behave in this way, it indicates that your feelings are being over-ridden by their desire to follow the formula for Christmas, and go entirely against the spirit of the thing by behaving badly towards you.

These people do not deserve your worry and fear of upsetting them - they are perfectly willing to upset you it seems.

Send your text, don't answer your door, and enjoy your Christmas as your own circumstances dictate, and let the rest do as they want.

But on no account worry about what they think - they don't worry about you!

[Mamyalynne]

Simply make your wishes as plain as you can, whatever happens, happens - making yourself ill and worrying about it is pointless.

People will do what they will, you'll have done your bit.

[FrillyPancake]

Thanks folks, and Andy - you have a point! There is nothing I can do, yet they insist on coming round (third parties) dropping gifts off for us. I feel really bad, as I still want to make amends one day, but just now the feelings are too raw to begin that process. I would as I say get them pressies, always have, but due to our circumstances we cannot even contemplate it this year (again). Our bills come first I'm afraid, and as much as I don't want pity I feel that my text to mum is almost like saying poor me - which isn't the case - I just want to have a really quite - affordable one again this year....is that so wrong?!

[cassa333]

Don't text. I know it is a modern lazyism that I don't understand so will probably seem out of date but pen them a letter and write instead.

I doubt very much that they gave you presents to make you feel bad but to cheer you up knowing you couldn't afford to reciprocate.

Why not start a new tradition of only buying small gifts. My sister and I have had years of finding the cheapest and/or tackiest present we can find. Label on with marked down price of 22p has been the all time best... so far.

The adults in our family get no more than a fiver spent on them (a bottle of beer or wine, something they need, even if that is only from the £1 shop) and from a tenner to no more than about twenty quid for other family children (nieces and nephews).

I had a friend years ago that always got a provy loan each year to "pay" for Christmas. Each year she had to get a bigger and bigger loan just to be able to spend the same amount as she was paying back the interest on the initial loan.

Time spent with family is just as important. Why not host a family get together? It could still be done at a reasonabley low cost. Everyone brings something for the table and a bottle.

If all you are worried about is how much you are able to spend on everyone else then perhaps you need to reassess why?

[Mamyalynne]

But there's nothing to 'make amends' for , Christmas and all that surrounds it shouldn't be a competition.

If folk can't accept your circumstance then that's fine, you've made your situation clear.

Be honest as you have been and most importantly be happy and stop the torture.

[237SJ]

If they insist on giving you presents you could always make some nice jars of jam and chutneys, stick them in pretty fabric lined basket and give them that which would be a nice present with little monetary value.

[FrillyPancake]

Mamya, the amends that I want to sometime offer are not of buying gifts for people but getting back on track with our relationship as a family unit, which is unlikely as a whole, however with my mum I hope to someday have an even ground again.

[Patsy33]

I really admire you for sticking to your guns and getting your bills out the way first. You can feel really proud of yourself! Other than what everyone else has said, let it go over your head once you have made your self clear to your family. It will all come right for you soon.x

[FrillyPancake]

It's not so much the monetary value Andy, it's the fact that our relationship is strained, and the gifts that come from them is almost like it's out of duty, rather than following our wishes, all communication has broken down, so I would send something out to them in the event that we could afford it - family get together is out of the question unfortunately due to the lack of communication in the past couple of years too. I am at a loss as to what to do for the best, this text will be the first "proper" text I've sent in months.....am just really dreading it...

[Mamyalynne]

I do understand that but to be so worried for so many months seems you are being too hard on yourself, try to relax into it and then when things are better financially you can plan better.

It's you I'm worried more about just now.

[FrillyPancake]

Well it is the monetary value lol - that's the reason for my post, but moreso it's the lack of communication, and the whole awkwardness around it. They never ask for us, as I say the only texts we get are really really good news, or really really bad news, no in the middle how are you doing type texts.....the whole thing is so messed up!

[FrillyPancake]

Bella, I would if we were all speaking, things are awful just now - that wouldn't be an option unfortunately, but thanks for your advice :-)

[rsvp]

I think this says a lot more about your family than it does about you - they seem to need to placate their feelings by being seen to do what is 'accepted' at Christmas i.e. give presents to family members. You on the other hand recognise not only the financial implications of this but also the futility of giving gifts just for the sake of it. Maybe in the future your family (and financial) situation will improve and you can recapture a it of the non commercial spirit of Christmas. I know I prefer my family to spend time with me rather than buy me presents.

[rsvp]

typo