To Smack, Or Not To Smack?

[Schlomo78]

Interested. I am nearly 40. I was bought up as the youngest of 4- all the tricks were already learnt by my Mother (ie books in the back of my trousers) I have smacked (not left a mark, I hasten to add!) and still occasionally do. No, I'm not a child abuser, but sometimes negotiation does not work. A smack on the arm or the leg (wet washing up hands) saw me right. My child accuses me of child abuse, does it work when he's 5ft and started on me? Happy to call SS at any point.... Views?

[jno]

my parents smacked me; it was normal. I never smacked my son. "Because I'm bigger and I can hit harder" is never a very good argument, even if it does underpin nuclear deterrence.

[Schlomo78]

Btw, he is nearly 11, but fronts up and grabs me on a daily angry basis.

[Schlomo78]

I agree. But I grew up in a strict household, o even got the belt on occasion-from my mother I should add. All Hell broke loose during puberty. I'm loathe to make the same mistakes, but with a kid who will hit 6' 6" easy at his peak, how do you stop it when reason will not/ does not work?

[Schlomo78]

It is very hard to break out of that militant frame of mind when you grew up being respectful because of it, and all other avenues have failed.

[jno]

kids shouldn't be daily angry at 10 years old. You might want a word with your GP maybe?

[Mamyalynne]

I'm 63, was never smacked and have never smacked mine either despite the horrors of puberty.

You need to find out why he's angry and what makes him think that lashing out is any way to act.

I don't throw words like child abuser around on these threads despite me being called one on here once for my choice in schooling.

With some guidance you may have a more peaceable household.

[Schlomo78]

He has always been fairly aggressive, his father disappeared out of his life about 18m ago, but he was always quite an angry toddler - headbutting everything, the Health Visitor said ' One day he will really hurt himself and stop' but after he headbutted the concrete outside I had to buy a padded helmet, that he had to wear when he started. Don't restrain him, let him hit himself in the head because he's after a reaction...Health Visitor=pointless, several GP visits= pointless, so dealt with it as well as I could with his Dad saying he was fine. 3 years ago the GP sent us for him to have counselling, pointless as he wouldn't speak to the lady anyway.

[Mamyalynne]

See if you can get a referral here, not always easy I know from experience but worth trying. The main site may have links to more local help.


http://www.westlondoncamhs.nhs.uk/

[Schlomo78]

Thanks mamya, unfortunately my county has been hit pretty hard by the recent cuts, so doubt I'll get far, I'm just trying to fix it as best I can, in the best way I know how. Its just hard to try and figure it all out, and not take everything personally from my boy. :(

[MallyJ]

What is he like at school and elsewhere? If he is similarly aggressive then he has a bit of a problem and needs to be referred on...by the school. If this behaviour is just displayed at home , with you then I would suggest other issues.....his father has left home recently and that may well be a major issue for him...I would suggest GP and referral on for something along the lines of family therapy.

[Islay]

No its not right to hit a child ever! I was beaten as a child and it does not solve the problems just makes them angry and want to strike back!!

[Cloverjo]

I don't remember being smacked as a child, but I do remember my sister getting a whack on the back of her leg which left an imprint of my dad's hand. My dad was mortified and never did it again. My sister never again did the thing she was punished for, but smacking wasn't the answer.

[Sqad]

I was smacked as a child........everyone in the 1940's were smacked as children...it was the norm. I smacked my kids when necessary.
What really has confused me is that the abolition of corporal punishment in the 80's was an effort to breed a less violent society and to this day, some 40 years on, I have seen no evidence of this, on the contrary, i feel that society has become MORE violent.

[Peter Pedant]

smacking children
I thought no one did that nowadays

[donny48]

Never ever smack, at best it teaches nothing at worst it teaches violence and resentment.

[douglas9401]

Our two, now 24 and 21 have never been assaulted and yet still know the limits and boundaries.

They're almost normal.

[murraymints]

nothing to be gained by smacking a 5 feet aggressive lad ..will only breed greater violence..he needs anger management you must speak to your doctor before he spirals beyond any control. Sanctions are more effective at that age... no phone..internet..tv..whatever he values....

[Cloverjo]

Definitely don't smack him, schlomo. He'll be bigger than you soon. Try to spend some time together when he's being nice. Go for a walk in a park or beach if you can, and just chat about things. Or maybe not talk at all if you both feel comfortable with that. Enjoy the view and being together.

[KARL]

I confess that I smacked our sons when they were around 5 years old or so on two or three occasions each when I felt they needed a very strong emphasis for separation of wrong and right - I regret it now but at the time I was lost for an escalation from verbal forms, including sanctions of different types, and was conscious of the stricture needed to be immediate. My grandson has anger issues and has had interaction with "specialists", apparently to no avail - his father has never smacked him. I really don't know of any surefire solution to these matters and believe every attempt has to be tailored on an individual basis, most of it possibly failing, and that identifying success is probably impossible because nobody knows if a particular something did it or the individual simply switched to a better format him/herself.