I’m Not In The Least Bit Jealous But

[eve1974]

Ok so I feel safe to post here cos no one on AB knows who I am…

Husb has been sending seriously (!!!) explicit (and cringeworthy) texts to someone he has known for years.

I am not jealous (I know many would be but I just don’t have the “jealous” part in my nature!!! )

The issues I have are:

A they are seriously cringeworthy
B she is not reciprocating (via text at least) so that makes them even more cringeworthy
C if her husband finds out he will not be happy I assure you!!!!
D lady involved is not the full ticket mentally ;by that I don’t mean she’s sub normal intelligence (she used to be very switched on) but she’s beginning to lose her marbles (Im not the only one who says this - many others have noticed too)


I’m almost more insulted that he doesn’t bother to hide it tbh.

Husb excuses it by saying that I should see how many Inuendos etc she throws his way in person (he sees her once a week work related) ….but I think he’s making an idiot of himself and playing a dangerous game.

[elliemay1]

I'm sorry but he doesn't seem to be a nice person

[LadyCG]

Could you possibly send a message from his phone along the lines of...

"I've got a confession to make. My penis is only 2.5cm long and hasn't stood to attention in years. The only satisfaction I get is in my dreams."

[eve1974]

Hi elliemay - well he is … honestly has a big generous heart n we’ve been married 23 years. He’s kind and thoughtful in many ways. He is an alcoholic (albeit a high functioning one) and that too is something I would not admit on a non anonymous site (I’ve recently begun al-anon)

[eve1974]

Lady cg that made me laugh! It is tempting!

[LadyCG]

Whoops, that does complicate matters.

Drink clouds your judgement in a big way and overtime makes the drinker more and more disinhibited.

Can't you just give him an ultimatum?

[eve1974]

Cg - yes I did wonder if it was the drink ….
That means the night time texts are “explainable “. But there’s plenty in the daytime too.

Ps yes alcoholism is a progressive illness - it’s catching up with him more n more (hence why I’ve begun al - anon to help ME cope with his drinking)

[eve1974]

Re ultimatum - I’m not the ultimatum sort - I’m more inclined to allow any adult to make their choices (hence why I don’t understand “jealousy”)

What bothers me most is he’s acting like a fool - and as I said none of her texts are reciprocal. Yes they don’t admonish him but they don’t encourage either

[AuntPG]

You need to get in touch with the female concerned and let her know you know about the texts. Sometimes when the 'danger' aspect is taken away it all becomes less interesting. There is also the possibility her 'innuendos' are all in his head -she may need some support.

Also you are enabling your husband by not throwing a wobbly and are excusing him because of his alcoholism. Make it clear you are contacting this female and that his behaviour better stop as from now.

[Atheist]

eve; is this really such a big issue? If you don't mind and the recipient doesn't mind, then maybe let him (and maybe her) have their little bit of pleasure. The husband won't find out unless your hubby is grassed up by someone.

[LadyCG]

The texts may occur in the daytime too but chances are he still has alcohol in his system which will skew his perception.

For all we know this lady might not want him sending such explicit messages.

You could gently try telling him that he's making a fool of himself and it's not advisable in this day and age when so many men are seeing all their pasts coming back to haunt them.

[eve1974]

Yes //There is also the possibility her 'innuendos' are all in his head -she may need some support//

THAT is EXACTLY what I’m thinking. It’s what worries me.

It’s a silly dangerous game and …I do think he may be misreading flirty banter as something more!

[AuntPG]

Eve you say you would rather let adults make their own choices -the problem is it looks like this woman is not reciprocal to his texts. So she has no choice. You have no idea what is going on and he could be threatening to tell her husband if she does not comply. You must contact her, and if she's not bothered, you are not bothered, and your husband continues -then everyone is on an even playing field., nothing more to be done. Personally I could not cope with that, its a form of being unfaithful, but each to their own, I know everyone is different and I hope you can resolve this.

[eve1974]

Aunt PG - //with the female concerned and let her know you know about the texts//

I did momentarily consider this but reading her replies her texts say nothing reciprocal.

So I feel unfair messaging her when the explicit ones are from HIM.

In a normal situation any sensible woman wld put him firmly in his place to discourage similar in future but her texts don’t discourage either.

But that may be cos she’s losing her marbles (as I said before) or that she’s lonely (her husband works away a LOT)

[Redhelen72]

How do you know the woman is losing her marbles?
If she is a vulnerable person is this not a form of abuse?

[eve1974]

Yes I’ve told husb he’s making a fool of himself and in this day n age sexual harassment etc can be a risk.

Perhaps I should have a word with her. I’d prefer to do in person than via text - then I can see her reaction (texts can be misread etc)

[AuntPG]

I agree that anyone receiving unwanted texts would either block or tell the sender to stop. Thats why I think she may feel threatened in some way -even if the threat is in her head. First port of call is to tell your OH what n old fool he is, but I still would contact her in a friendly way.

[eve1974]

Redhelen - a mutual acquaintance has said so. Lady is getting more n more eccentric (like incl things such as bad bad hoarding!!(

And yea the “abuse” part worries me, that’s part of how I see it.

Tho - I reiterate - husb is NOT an abusive sort - he’s genuinely not! At all, but I think maybe he is misreading these “innuendos “ she’s giving him, And that misreading may indeed have something to do with his alcoholism

[Sqad]

I agree totally with the post of Atheist@1911.
Don't let this break up your marriage as it will soon blow over.

[Redhelen72]

If she has family then I would approach them for a true update on the ladies condition.
Your husband is being a knob and he needs to know that he could be charged with unwarranted attention/harassment towards this female.

[eve1974]

Sqad - his texts themselves wldnt break up the marriage (as I said I’m not jealous in the least and that …. Surprisingly to many …. Includes sexually)

But what is a problem is that I don’t want

(A) husb to land up in hot water
(B) the lady concerned to be an unwilling recipient (thru loneliness and / or some cognitive dissidence )

I’m in a bit of a quandary - and as others on here have said I think I have to find out what the lady concerned thinks