Love Or Money? Would I Be A Fool To Accept These Terms?

[Anne1977]

Can I start off by asking, please be kind. I am heart broken, and hurting.
So you may have seen my previous posts.
I was with a man I love still, very deeply. I am a single parent and have nothing. I live in a housing association property. I am a nurse, so I've always tried to become something, but sadly it's not happened.
I'm not a very confident nor assertive person.
I fell in love 4 years ago with a man who accepted me for being me, and I felt like the luckiest woman alive.
I've been homeless , and am frightened to death of that happening again to my daughter and I.
My ex put his house on the market, and it just recently sold for £375k. He called me to tell me he'd enquired about a mortgage and they'd declined me (we were getting a top up mortgage for £100k)which absolutely gutted me as I've not been in debt for 6 yrs. I've paid everything on time,in the hope I could get a mortgage one day. That was that.
My brother subsequently said "make sure your name is on the mortgage", so with a bit of dutch courage, on Wed I asked him this. It seems I hit a nerve. It ended up in a full blown argument, with him throwing in my face it would have been easier if I had money/mortgage, which I already knew but can't help.
He then shouted "it's not my fault your dad died and left you nothing" (something I struggle with daily. The fact my dad just died, being a rich man, and knowing I had nothing, just left this world). That snipe hurt me so much.
He then told me the £375 k equity was his daughter's inheritance, and that i was lucky because he'd be paying 2/3rds of our monthly mortgage payments and me 1/3rd.
I asked him, should anything happen to him, what would happen to my daughter and I. He replied that I could have what I'd paid in, but the house would be his daughter's so my daughter and I would be tenants, and if she chose to sell it at least I'd get what I paid in. Which wouldn't be enough to get a new home, and I'd likely end up on a council list again.
He then proceeded to shout at me "I'm *** leaving this, my ex wife stung me, I can't deal with it" then grabbed his keys to drive 20 miles home. I tried to take his car keys off him and shouted that he'd been drinking, but he snatched them off me and left.
So, we're over.
I want for you to believe me, but understand you don't know me, but I'm in no way a money grabber, I'm quite the opposite. I've never asked for anything in 4 years.
All I want is to be treated as an equal. I understand he wants to protect his money, but I'm not his ex. My dad's wife never gave me a thing of my dad's. I still have counselling, for feeling I wasn't loved by my dad, and I finally thought I'd found a man who did love me, for just me, but it seems that comes with terms.
I've always been kind and giving.
I am utterly heartbroken, was I wrong not to accept his terms?
Should I just forget him? (I'm 45,he's 52).
It would seem that money is more important than love.
I'd always wanted to get married, but he said we needed a home first, but he never intended on marrying me, as that would mean I could claim half, but that's not what I wanted, I just loved him. Nothing more. Just love.
To me, love is the most important thing, but I guess I can say that without money.
I thought he truly loved me.
I can't sleep nor eat, I'm devastated.

[barry1010]

You say you have nothing but you have a home, a good job and most importantly you have your daughter. Seems a good package to me.
He could not have put your name on the mortgage, only the lender can do that.
Maybe your name could have gone on the Registered Title but the lender would have to agree.

I can see both sides and understand why both of you have reacted in the ways you have. Maybe he will change his mind but in the meantime try and appreciate that you and your daughter have a good enough life without him

[Anne1977]

Thank you Barry1010.
I am stupid because I don't understand mortgages. I've never had the opportunity to apply.
I too can see his side, he's protecting his money. But hand on heart, I'd love him still, just as much, even if he had nothing and we lived together in my small housing association property.

Money has never interested me.
My dad leaving me nothing wasn't about not being given anything financially, it was about not being recognised and possibly looked out for, like all parents generally do.

He perhaps misunderstood me, but what I can't forgive is him getting in the car, way over the limit. What if he'd hurt someone?

So, I guess your answer is move on?

Thank you for your response Btw. Xx

[barry1010]

I don't have a simple answer, Anne, life is complicated.
Whose idea was it to live together? Many long term relationships are solid either because they live apart or despite living apart, sometimes it is the best solution for both.

Maybe your bad experience with your father's wife has affected his judgement, he certainly wouldn't want his own daughter to be in that situation. Or perhaps your father's death has impacted on you. Maybe it is the wrong time to make life changing decisions such as living together.

[Hymie]

Put yourself in his position where you had plans for the equity in your home to be for the benefit of your daughter – would you effectively give half of it away?

My advice is to let the dust settle on the argument – and hopefully you can get back together again.

While having money (equity in property) can give financial security, there must be many millions of people in the UK in the same position as you, who have rented property all their life (this will become even more common with house prices out of reach of most young people).

Being a nurse must give you job security given the state of the NHS – you are unlikely to be made redundant anytime soon. My advice to anyone is to ensure that they have at least 3 months worth of money (and preferably 6 months) to tide them over should the worst happen.

[Anne1977]

Thank you for your answers.
He has come from a rich family, I have not, and there lies the problem.
It was his idea to put the house on the market... I didn't even know he'd done it!
He has spent money getting it up to standard, and it's only just sold, so I know he's going to resent me.
His daughter will likely inherit close to 1 million, she's an A* student finishing her teaching degree soon.
She's a lovely girl, but if it were me, I'd put £100k aside for her, then enjoy life, with or without me.
For love? I'd definitely share it in the event of something happening to me, and leaving the love of his life (his words not mine) with a home should the worst happen.
I would want to know that my partner wasn't homeless, or having to move out of the home we shared (obviously I would never expect that should the relationship break down).
I do admit I still struggle with my dad's death. It's still raw. So to have that thrown in my face, really, really hurt.
It feels like, because I have no money, I have no say.

But you're right, lots of people live in rented accommodation all their life, and I have no problem with that.
My issue is I'm heart broken over the loss of the love of my life, as well as dreams, suddenly being shattered overnight.
I've had to explain to my daughter, that a move likely won't happen, so she too is hurt, so I'm dealing with a double whammy.

But a sincere thanks for all your comments. Xx

[Peter Pedant]

good luck

[Hymie]

Something people have to appreciate in relation to inheritance (from their parents) is that they are likely to be 60+ years of age at the time of the inheritance. So they will have lived the majority of their life without benefit of this money.

By the age of 60, everyone should have a good idea of the amount of money they will have in retirement; pensions, savings etc (even if that does include an inheritance).

[Anne1977]

Sorry if I appear 'thick' Hymie, but what do you mean?
I'm never going to benefit from inheritance (my dad had all the money),
So maybe I'm a bad choice for my ex. I guess I know that deep down.
I just thought love was enough.
Many thanks for your comment.

[lankeela]

Can you really believe he loves you if he treats you in that way? I would say you are better off without him. You are no worse off as you have a home and your daughter, and a secure job. I know some people can't bear to live without a man in their lives, but I am glad I am not one of those people. I make my own way in life and don't have to rely on anyone else.

[Anne1977]

I was single for a long time before this, so I know I don't need him, but I love him.
I guess we have differing ideas as to what love is.
My friend said to me, often the truth comes out when we're drunk, so to say, "it's not my fault your dad didn't leave you any money". And "it would be easier if you had a mortgage /money" really made me feel rubbish about myself.
I know it's true, but it doesn't help to hear it. I hear it in my head every day.

I'm due to go to Brighton with him on 10th June-, our first break together. Would people recommend I cancel? Or approach him first. I booked it as a surprise. So it's in my name.

[bednobs]

errr, if you have split up i think goig away together is a terrible idea!

[TantP]

You have your own home and a good job. Do not give this up for someone who puts so much importance on his own family and money.

BTW he cannot apply for a mortgage on your behalf unless he has access to your personal papers, bank account details, proof of employment and proof of identity,so I would take with a huge grain of salt the fact you were declined.

Keep your house, even if you get back together, and maybe discuss with a mortgage broker the posibility of getting your own mortgage. Even if you don’t want one, if you get an offer in principle, it will put your mind at rest that you could get one if you wanted.

[Smowball]

Hi Anne, ok I could be reading this wrong, but does he want you to give up your Housing Assocation property to move in with him, pay a third of the mortgage but the house will be 100% in his name?? That’s basically saying you will be his lodger!
And I agree with bednobs - going away with him is a terrible idea.

[Canary42]

Rejection can be very hard to handle - have you given any thought to counselling.

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-counselling

[Old_Geezer]

But you have become something, and very important too. You are a loving mother and a caring nurse. If you can learn to accept what you have achieved so far maybe others' jibes will seem less important to you.

As for the practical difficulties I'm sure things are said in anger, with life's past baggage egging things on. One assumes all are looking not to lose out or be used. Hopefully he will calm down and the situation can be discussed with both listening to the other's view calmly, rationally, and with understanding. If that proves unobtainable then maybe one can only put the issues in the hands of solicitors and accept that they will take a chunk of any assets you both own for sorting it out.

[Prudie]

Im not sure that I've followed the situation clearly but I think you need to consider this from his point of view as well. Many would think it very noble that he's ensuring his inheritance goes properly to his own child and not shared with a second family. I have experienced both sides. I had to share my father's estate with 3 of his stepchildren. Similarly my mother was allowed to live in the house she shared and contributed to with her second husband. Even though they were happily married for 22 years the house went to his stepchildren when my mother died (some years after him). Men can be funny about money.

[Prudie]

Sorry meant to say my stepfather's house went to his real children (not me)

[bednobs]

in all honesty, i'm not sure the inheritance "issue" has anything to do with it legally after all the (ex?) partner is just doing what the posters dad DIDN'T do ie making sure his inheritance goes to his biological daughter, not the new partner or her family, so surely the poster can't be complaining about that?
"I asked him, should anything happen to him, what would happen to my daughter and I. He replied that I could have what I'd paid in, but the house would be his daughter's so my daughter and I would be tenants, and if she chose to sell it at least I'd get what I paid in." that doesn't seem a bad deal to me anyway. Is your (ex?) partner likely to die soon? he's only in his 50's! you may want to protect your daughter's position, but in all honesty she will grow up and move out, and probably not look back while doing so

[Anne1977]

I really appreciate all your answers. I really do. I'm not after his money at all (and I know you don't have to believe that), but all I want is to be recognised, and not live in a house that can be snatched beneath me if his daughter claims inheritance. I would like to be valued as a partner, and not fear if anything happens to me or my ex, that we lose our home or my daughter loses her home. Sadly, my daughter is unlikely to leave the home for some time (not sadly as in I want her to leave), but she has special needs and needs a lot of support. As I said, I really do like his daughter, I have nothing against her, but to me , if you want to spend the rest of our lives together (and I appreciate things can happen) then I'd least like to think we shared things. I'm not after 375k , I'm after the feeling of being valued whilst having security. If that makes sense? So being on a mortgage would do that. I don't understand why I've been declined if I'm honest. But he's done everything.
If anything, my dad's wife taking all of their money (most of my dad's)- and all his belongings , has made me all the more aware , I would never do that to any child of my partner's. But again, I appreciate you don't know me, so you have to believe what I'm saying is really true xx

[barry1010]

Did you sign the mortgage application forms? Give details of your income, show proof, all that sort of stuff that everyone applying for a mortgage has to do.