I Am Inadequate As An Employee, Sick Of It

[Raidergal2022]

In a nutshell I am rubbish at working. I am ok academically so had no trouble qualifying in healthcare. However as an employee despite having years of experience I am very slow, lack proactive ness and just nowhere near as good as my, often much younger, collegues.

At meetings I often forget what patients have done and whilst I am searching through my notes my assistants very articulately hand over the required information- leading to the team making eye contact and liasing with them in the future

Here are some examples that this is not just my perception
My younger collegues have been promoted and often get praised whereas with me during feedback it’s usually that I’m laid back/calm and collective or I get ‘ well everyone develops at their own pace’

In my last job it was a very small team of 3 qualified staff, one being the manager based across 2 sites. I had worked with him for 3 years and he often complimented me and supported me very well. He persuaded me to apply for a job at the other base working with him, which I did. He asked me to help him out in the meantime at that place as he was struggling through covid (which I’d worked with him at before) Nearer to the interview he became distant and cut a long story short he employed an external candidate over me.

The feedback I received was that he wanted more output/efficiency from me and that I took too long with tasks etc. he said that it was a toss up between someone ‘efficient’ (him) or ‘someone who would do anything for the team (me). I was secretly angry, felt used and embarrased as everyone knew I’d gone for the job. I couldn’t say anything though as I’d ah e looked like a sore loser.

The fact that he would risk employing someone external over one one he has worked with for years though says it all. Later he started to get annoyed at me saying I was the opposite of him ‘carefree’ etc. I do remember one of my lectures saying that I looked like I didn’t care - she was probably right I’m just being honest.

I try to forget about my inadequacies but today brought it all back. I was on a a ward which I’m not usually based on and was reading the notes trying to get to grips with things. I overheard the nurses talking about my department and say that I was ‘just stood about and not very proactive’. It is because my collegue is much better/faster, has much better rapport with them and naturally knows what to do in most situations. I felt really angry inside and later went crying in the toilet lol. It’s hard for me to have a thick skin when I already feel inadequate and am reminded of it though

In my last job my assistant said I was ‘ a bit weird’ once and that he thought I had mild LD. Again these things just really get to me but I remain quiet on the outside. It just makes me feel like I hate people

I just have never been able to build the rapport that others have with people. I do have a sense of humour and make people laugh sometimes but at work others always build much closer relationships with each other and I get spoken to in a formal way only

My strengths lie in physical activity ie I’m good at jumping/climbing etc and tend to impress people. But unless you are an ape, social skills and talent in work are really among the list of important qualities to have as a person. Both of which I lack. The thing is these qualities I lack will make me poor at any job

I just don’t know what to do - quit my career or continue to feel inadequate. Just wanted advice. I feel better for posting this I guess

[bookbinder]

Consider taking career advice from a specialist.

[Karamia]

Have you considered you may bexon the autistic spectrum? Many more adults are now being diagnosed these days. Mel Sykes and Christine McGuiness have both been diagnosed in last year. I have 2 autistic adult sons and you sound similar to them.

[jno]

Karamia's suggestion may be worth looking into; but really, if you're not happy in your work and don't think you do it well, and your manager thinks the same, it might be time to look for another job.

[Hazlinny]

Raidergal/ How long have you been working in Healthcare?

[Raidergal2022]

Karamia - in what way do I sound similar. I’m hoping I haven’t exaggerated my lack of social skills, I can talk to people and hold a conversation but rarely develop that deeper rapport that others have. It’s odd but I end up being called ‘sweet’ and feel a bit like a pet that people might laugh at but don’t take seriously.

Don’t autistic folk present as very orderly? Although I’m minimalistic I’m very messy in terms of handwriting (no one else can follow it) and my house is often on the messy side. Also although I follow rules myself I’m not hung up on them like many autistic people are.

[Raidergal2022]

Hazlinny 4 years, but this job a year and half

[Raidergal2022]

Jno it would have to be another career, I’ve trained loads for this

The thing is the qualities I lack will make me *** at most jobs

[Karamia]

Some of the things you have further explained sound similar to my boys who both have very different types of autism. You cannot base autism on knowing one person with it or even a hundred. There are so many different aspects. My boys both communicate with others and like to be friendly but have always struggled to make those connections that lead to real friendships, whereas others seem to find it easier. Knowing they both have it has helped me and them enormously and I have been able to help them with techniques and strategies along the way to overcome any issues. There is so much information online and books on the subject. Some (not all) of it may resonate with your situation.
When employers know that there may be an issue which requires you have more time on occasion, it might really help. Mel Sykes doesn't look like she struggles for friends and she chats to people on TV easily. Not every autistic person is struggling with same areas. Hope this makes sense. Sorry to go on!

[calmck]

What field of health care are you in? What department, what exactly is your job. A manager, you and an assistant how does this work

[ToraToraTora]

you seem to have thoroughly identified the problems yourself, surely that's half the battle. Can you not implement fixes to the issues you have cited?

[Hazlinny]

You stated your colleagues are younger than you and that can sometimes be a problem - they may not be more efficient than you but probably give the impression they are. You may feel left out while the younger ones have their own "circle". Being thorough in what you do is not a fault even if at a slower pace. If you are really unhappy, perhaps you should look at finding anther job, bearing in mind that there are hundreds of people in the same boat.

[andres]

In one of your earlier posts you said that you were 39, That's not old! You need to have a complete change of direction. Look for a job where you can put your physical strengths to good use. One where you don't have to shoulder any responsibility. For instance working with animals or maybe the Care Sector. There must be something out there that you will like better than where you are, Good luck anyway.

[Raidergal2022]

Thanks for the replies

When I think back over my job history at the negative experiences it makes me think what is it that I could possibly suit doing.

I get angry at night thinking of the situations. Not just the ones above but others ie when I was 17 I was sacked from a sandwich making job for not making enough sandwiches. I remember my mum getting mad and calling me a loser. For some reason my ex bf called me a loser when breaking up because I don’t like sex). I don’t know why he thought I was a loser though- he was a lot older than me but I mean I do have a career/degree etc) The things that my recent manager said re having low output brings back memories of the past and that’s when I get very fed up and angry.


I somehow am able to complete degrees and qualify in careers but then am subpar when it comes to the work. I feel I’m having to pretend to be social/chatty and enjoy the job, Im the last to know what goes on most of the time, deep down all I feel like doing is my own thing-though I suppose this goes for many people too doesn’t it