How does your criminal mind work?

[joko]

If you were to commit a crime, what things would you ensure, insist upon etc in order not to be caught?

for instance what would you clean up blood with? and why? what type of rope would you use and why? what details would you consider?

what things always get people caught? either for real or in films? what always annoys you most when they forget to do it, or do something really stupid?

The reason i ask is for a story/ script i am writing so its sort of research - it involves two competitive "answerbankers" who begin a row over who knows best, who has the best criminal mind etc and in the end they start to commit real crimes as proof, comparing ideas, theories etc, and also start claiming responsibilty for other crimes they didn't do. one is a sociopath, one is goaded. it obviously turns nasty

the details are sketchy but as it begins with a thread on "answerama" (working title!) asking the above questions i thought i would do it for real.

be as outlandish as you like, make stuff up, be crazy, pretend you have done one yourself, be outraged at the question - answer as you like.

you can respond as you would really if this question was genuine or with anger, theories, be a character etc.

anyone who replies will become a character in the story (name only) or get a thankyou if you prefer.

I know this is a weird question, but i don't think it would help any criminals as advice regarding this stuff can be found all over the net if you look.

thanks

[noxlumos]

Brilliant idea for a script joko.

Right the things that always get people caught first is involving too many people. If possible work totally alone, in fact always work alone. Secondly things like cars,shoes or implements, anything that are traceable or have DNA on them, don't throw them away destroy them completely by fire in a place that you do not usually frequent, so not your bathroom! Thirdly, don't alter anything you usually do no matter what, if you play darts on a Thursday be there even if you've just murdered someone or done an armed robbery. Fouth If it's money set yourself 5 years before you spend it and if it's a murder forget you've done it and just carry on as normal.Fifth, study body language in case the police do question you, they'll know if your lying by your eye gestures and your body language so make signs that are purposefully honest ( albeit they really aren't).Sixth NEVER tell anyone, not your nearest and dearest, trust no-one.

I hope I'm not the only one to respond lol.

[Ward-Minter]

i would get somebody with full blown AIDS or terminal cancer to committhe the crime. Offer them great rewards for the completion of their life and don't worry about them being caught.

Why do dirty work when there is some poor fool willing to do it?

[noxlumos]

Yeah Ward-Minter but that's still conspiracy and if they get caught they'll sing like a budgie and then you'll be stuffed because conspiracy is as bad as actually committing the crime, sometimes even worse.

[Ward-Minter]

Then give them a cynide capsule and hide it up them bum. when (or IF) they get arrested they will swallow it and die before grassing you up.

Further kidnap Paul McKenna beforehand and force him to hypnotise the assailant not to tell anybody.

Then kill McKenna in Shrewsbury because nothing happens there.

Also cut Noel Edmonds head off and sell it on ebay.

[Ward-Minter]

PS I want a starring role!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[snook]

Plan carefully, and not on a computer.

Always work alone. Never entrust your liberty to anybody.

Regard it as a game, so that you view it as a harmless pastime. That way you won�t feel any guilt and very little anxiety.

Tell no-one. Ever. If you can�t keep it to yourself, don�t do it.

If it�s a murder, arrange for the victim to visit an isolated place without telling anyone, and kill him there. Make it simple � an 'accident', in case the body�s ever.found, e.g., run him over with your car (the stolen car you�re driving, that is, or the one you�ve fraudulently hired).

To dispose of the body? Charter a boat (false name, of course) and drop it into the sea a few miles out, with weights attached. Strip it of ID first, including cutting off head and hands, if you can stomach the job. If not, splash liberally with acid.

If it�s extortion, arrange a 'drop' so that once it�s in the box (bin, junction box, whatever) it falls through to a prepared compartment which you can reach from the other side, unseen. That way, you�re home free while the police are still watching and waiting.

If it�s bigtime fraud, arrange in advance so that you can melt away, out of the country. Don�t even think of staying. With that kind of money you can do whatever you want, wherever you want, so take your choice, the world is yours. And reach your destination in several disconnected stages.

Practise committing smaller crimes - just going through the motions. Use them to get used to the idea of what�s ahead, so it becomes just another job, and to get your mind working on the problems you might face. Like an athlete training for a marathon by doing long weekly training runs, so that on the big day it feels just like another training session.

[bernardo]

I like the Blackadder (the second series) solution: make sure that nobody ever finds out. How? Kill everybody in the entire world! Ha ha ha ha!

[Glossopswift]

If nothing ever happens in Shrewsbury then surely the corpse of a recently bumped off celebrity hypnotist would be noticed? And have you never seen Cadfael? He�d be on to you in a flash. I knew someone once who thought Cadfael was set in medieval Shrewsbury � they�ve obviously never been. I think getting away with a perfect crime would be easier if you have absolutely no criminal record, no record of any misdeeds whatsoever. You are a charming, happy family person with no enemies and a happy-go-lucky attitude. Commit the crime against someone you have no connection with (i.e. don�t rob the bank you work for just because you can, don�t moider your granny because you inherit) � which all goes to say that there probably isn�t any point in doing it.

[OBonio]

I was going to say insulin overdose. My brother's a diabetic so I have access to syringes and Humalin. But then how to administer this without the victim knowing? A nice idea as insulin breaks down and isn't detectable.

I suppose I could use Rohypnol to render the victim helpless to start with, then administer a lethal dose of insulin... not sure how these two drugs would react with each other or whether Rohypnol is detectable...

No blood to mop up and ropes are so pass�!!

It's a thought. More research needed.

[OBonio]

As for why.... well, the only murderous intentions I've had before are for all those Stella swigging chavs who decide that because I'm small and quiet, I won't mind a punch round the chops and a visit to A&E. They will get their come uppance.

[Ward-Minter]

Further for mere comic effect, when you kill the person rest his body in a bath of unset strawberry jelly. Imagine the police/coroner finding the corpse once the jelly has set.

[tigga]

How much insulin would it take ?

[joko]

Thanks everyone!

All great stuff, given me loads to think about... i want there to be a lot of comedy elements in it as well as quite a sinister edge.

i want them to be a bit "mickey mouse" with loads of really stupid ideas that sound good, but in reality are riddles with flaws, mixed in with the really good ones that are really inventive and unusual.

loving some of your names for characters too!

keep it coming!

[stanleyman]

My wife was a forensic scientist for 25 years. She and her colleages were always trying to come up with the perfect crime. I think someone got a Snickers bar out of the machine for free once. The chances of getting caught are extremely high and a high degree of luck is needed which usually runs out with repeat offenders.

I would have to use my wifes expertise but she would be suspicious, first mistake. Having a criminal history would be a mistake. Having a direct connection to the crime would be a mistake etc.etc. If you have thought of it someone else is bound to have. It would have to be a really big one with a get away to a friendly country.

To commit the perfect crime for gain takes all the same skills as being a successful businessperson with much lower risk of imprisonment and stress, so hardly worth it.

A crime for revenge is again hardly worth it because instead of killing someone you keep them alive and really torment them.

[OBonio]

The big flaw in my plan is that insulin needs to be delivered intramuscular which would leave a small needle mark. Bound to be discovered by forensics. Oh well... back to the drawing board.

Unless the victim is a junkie! I suppose I could expose the victim to French Connection style heroin addiction torture... It's getting complicated now though. It has to be simple... I'll get back to you.

[discreetdeath]

just a snap of the neck....simple enough? have gloves on of course and leave no traces... tie hair back preferably with a hair net.. ensure no sweat falls off of face....wear shoes that are 3 to 4 sizes bigger with thin boards in soles to equalize pressure.... completely dispose of body in a large body of water, or burn body along with the evidence