Are we splitting up for the right reasons?? Final part

[sair5412]

Sorry about this, I am just so confused......... Thank you so much if you are still reading.

The one thing I do is trust him- which obviously I struggled with at first. We run the house well together. Bills are paid, he likes to help me keep it tidy. I just don't know how I feel. I know if I didn't have my son and we hadnt lived together then we would have split up ages ago but as it has been, we have struggled and fought to get on and had explosive arguements in the meantime. He says I'm too demanding and I should chill out and let him be who he is. When we first got together he was romantic then it just stopped! So he pretended he was but says now he found it really hard but once we're together you don't need all that stuff. This is 2 years down the line. Will it get better or worse? Or should we walk away friends?
Sorry this is so long but I'm having trouble sleeping and eating and getting so worried that maybe I should just settle for my sons sake. Am I being selfish?
Oh help. xxxxxx
(We have talked about everything we need to do to make it work but he just says I want someone else and its not him as he can't be what I want him to be)

[sam82]

apart from having a child i was in the same prediciment as you, everything sounds so familiar.

i eventually took on board his feelings saying i was too demanding, so i thot i will make the romantic gestures make us a nice meal, candles etc etc, or plan a nice night out for us and dont get me wrong it did work, and sometimes if i nudged him in the right direction he would do it.. as we trully did love each other, he jsut had difficulty showing it!

anyways our problems ran a little more deeper than yours by the sound of it and we split up 2 months ago, i do miss him sometimes, but i wont settle for being second best, life is for living and we only get one shot at it, sometimes you have to make the effort and he will follow. if not are your reasons for staying worth it, you can find happiness again, stand on your own two feet, i am for the first time in a long time, i have had to take a few steps back over the last few months, but i will take steps to improving my life and happiness!!

and dont worry about going on, i still go on and sometimes wish i could just have settled for what he gave me, but its just one of the motions u go through i guess, there is light at the end of every tunnel!

[sassenach]

To be honest it sounds as if you just don't love him. If that's the case and as he suggests you just want him to be someone he can't be, then I personally think you are being selfish in staying with him. It sounds as if he does love you but is not particularly romantic or comfortable with showing his feelings in touchy-feely ways that most women expect. I don't think it will do your son any good if you stay together just for the sake of it and end of both feeling resentful and hating each other. I do sympathise because it's hard if you feel your needs are not being met. But he sounds like a good man at heart and maybe you are punishing him for not being the ideal that you had in mind. But does that ideal really exist?

[noxlumos]

Poor you. I'm so sorry you feel like this. You sound really upset and ground down and as if you have totally had enough. First off, mother's and daughter argue like mad ( my wife and her mum adore each other really but you'd never guess) and I learned a long time ago to stay out of it as what's quickest ignored is soonest mended.

I'm sorry to say that it does sound as if Paul possibly can't be who you need as your life partner, but I don't feel that you are being selfish or unrealistic in your needs. I think it's wholly proper that he should have come with you to the hospital etc and if you love someone then you should show them and tell them, and that as he grows older will be his cross to bear. I think there will be other more suitable partners out there who will have no trouble in showing you the affection you deserve and staying together just for your little boy will do him no favours long term. He needs to grow up seeing his role model parents in a happy relationship or you as a strong single person, he doesn't need to see you both staying together for the wrong reasons and coming more and more unravelled as the years go on.

Have one final attempt at getting through to Paul what you need to, and if he still finds himself unable to be more flexible then consider your options.

Don't do anything hastily and make sure of how you feel before you act, but I think there are better possibilities out there for you from what you've said.

Take care and hope it turns out ok for you.

[sair5412]

Thanks Sam.

I have tried that. I would make us a nice meal and tell him thinking he would get a bottle of wine on the way home but he didnt. I would then tell him to have a bath while I went out in his van to get the wine and come back to finish the dinner. He'd scoff it down thenlig out on the sofa watching rugby.

On valentines day he said he'd had to cancel the flowers as they were too expensive, he went to the village in the evening to get us a chinese. I gave him my cash card to pay for it and said "I love tulips you know, pink ones." He came back with the chinese, nothing else and handing me the cash card and receipts!

[sam82]

so sounds like my X, its not that he didnt love me, i think its his way of being in love is different to mine. although he is the most moodiest person in the world and does nothing for himself.

moving on isnt that bad, you go through the motions, of regret, feeling sorry for yourself, wanting him back. crying being sad, i really made moves to help, started swimming twice a week, started an evening course, looking for a new flat that i can call mine and going out and meeting friends!

i do miss him, but i know we can be friends just not lovers as i do want more.

you deserve more... and its not out of your reach not too have it!

[sair5412]

Sassenach,

I love him to bits and its killing me but I am not in love. I am at the end of my tether. I have tried to explain that HE would be happier if we did the things I'm suggesting. It's both of our happiness I am thinking about not just my own. And he was the ideal in the beginning and that's why I got with him. He just admitted that it was a bit of a front to get me and now he needn't bother. I felt like I was running a 3 legged race with him and he couldn't be ar**d to run. He is a good man at heart. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't know. Thanks for your post though, I need to see all angles and possibilites for my situation.

[dancealot13]

Trust your instincts and leave. Save some money and work extra hard, make a plan for yourself and just leave. You deserve to be touched and loved and kissed. I know that you're worried about your son, and that is kind of you, but don't be fooled. If you're unhappy and stressed out, your son will read that and also be effected. You're a smart women, and thank you for sharing your story. Trust yourself, life is too short and too precious to not.

[lia*]

is he gay? how old is he? ask him if there is someone else.
have you told him how you feel, and about the way he is behaving towards you? have a serious talk with him . it's very difficult for some men to be affectionate and emotional.
move on if you have to. you will know after you have a serious talk with him. why would you want to stay in a relationship if you are unhappy?

[sweetsal]

Hi Sair. I hope what I am going to say comes out right. I have been with ny boyfriend for 3 years this year for valentines I didn't get a big bunch of flowers but I didn't really think that mattered. He loves me I know that I don't need flowers to see that. He is not big on romantic gestures or cuddling but he makes me laugh and would do anything for me.

It sounds like you dont really love him but the situation now is easier than what could happen if you were to split up. If you are not happy then you should find someone who does make you happy.

[joannie10]

clearly you are just not suited. There is nothing wrong in that but you are hoping for a hearts and flowers kind of guy and clearly he is not that - does not make him a bad person, some people are like that and he will one day find someone that is happy with a guy like that and one day you too will find Mr Right. One that you wont have to drop hints too about flowers - he will bring them just because he wants to! It will be difficult but your world will not fall apart without him and if you move on you will be happy and in the end this will be a much better situation for you and your son. There must be an atmosphere around your home and that is not a good environment. We only have one chance in this life - be happy. good luck

[Ethmer]

It doesn't sound like it can end up a satisfactory romantic relationship.

It would probably be best for you and your son if you and your boyfriend were to separate. However this may put an impossible financial hardship on you.

Does your boyfriend agree that, romantically, the relationship is kaput?

If so then maybe the possibly exists that the two of you could agree to a "partnership" relationship where you all still live together, for convenience purposes, but that you are each free to associate with others with the purpose of eventually finding "Mr. & Ms. Right", at which point you would then sever the partnership.

It would be giving you each the benefit of having a close friendship and a domestic partnership while still being able to look toward your futures.