limited pharases...!

[steve208]

ok i have two favourite phrases...."As much use as a chocolate tea pot" and " Well tis better than a slap round the face with a wet kipper"

can anyone give me some cool new ones?!

[johnlambert]

How about this one, I used it on recriuts when i was an instructor in Aldershor.

"Your as much use as a one legged man in an a**e kicking contest"

or

"you are depriving a village of a percectly good idiot"

[steve208]

they made me laugh so they are quite good

cheers!

[SaxyJag]

As much use as a wet f*rt in a thunderstorm.

You look like a bag of muck tied up with string.

He's two sandwiches short of picnic.

and, when someone didn't do something, but thought about it:

You know what thought did? Followed a muck cart and thought it was a wedding.

[Grunty]

A modest little man with so much to be modest about.

(Winston Churchill about Clement Attlee)

There but for the grace of God goes God

(Winston Churchill about Sir Stafford Cripps)

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord Himself can't find you with a telescope.

(Irish curse)

[shammydodger]

As tight as a camel's ar$e in a sandstorm. (To be used on misers who are reluctant to get their round in at the bar).

[shaneystar2]

My Mother used to say ...he's as tight as a duck's a**e and that"s watertight.
As an untidy child ....she was fond of saying that I either looked like the wreck of the Hesperus or that I looked as if I had been lugged through a hedge backwards.
Another one of mothers favourites was ....He's about as much use as a fart in colander.

[yinyang]

This will probably be banned so read it quickly!LOL

As much use as a condom machine in the Vatican

A face like a well skelped @rse

A face like a bulldog licking vomit off a thistle

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick

You look like you've lost a penny and found a pound

I apologise to anyone offended.

[George38]

The one about the one legged man in an a..e kicking contest made me laugh like hell (and I'm still laghing!).

Thank you for cheering me up!!

[Quizmonster]

Not new, but how about..."As much use as an ashtray on a motor-bike"?

[yinyang]

An appropriate one for some people on this site who talk rubbish;

He just opens his mouth and lets his belly rumble

[ronnie3]

"you've got more chance of getting rocking horse sh*t"

[Monkey Magic]

How about "He's grinning like a Cheshire Cat at sh1t?"

Must be one hell of a smile!

[spudqueen]

yinyang - shouldn't that be you look like you've lost a pound and found a penny? (In t'olden days I think it was found a sixpence).

[wee-janine]

His lift does not go all the way to the top floor or all the lights are on but no one is home are good when describing dafties.

One I remember from school was when a teacher was telling one of the boys he was hopeless, he said "you must have been drummed out of the Brownies"

[tommypipesxx]

My favourite is:

You're as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop.

Cheers