Thoughts please

[Sqad]

I have been prompted to open this topic for general discussion by a thread started yesterday about a wife complaining that her husband had lost interest in her and the marriage. It was a very common topic and the answers totally predictable, although I have never read a thread concerning a husband complaining about a wife losing interest, although I stand to be corrected. Posters were divided mainly into 3 groups. a) Compassionate answers��..Relate, counseling. b) Humourists�..replies regarded as unhelpful c) Trolls�.@rses etc. Do we know which of the above 3 is the most effective in bringing the problem of the poster to a happy and satisfactory ending? I have never seen a poster give feedback�i.e " thank you for advice, our marriage is back on track" Again I stand corrected and hence cannot evaluate whether or not AB advice is 1) valuable 2)makes no difference 3) dangerous. The common advice is to seek counseling�e.g.Relate. established roughly 70 yrs ago because of the rise in divorce rate and since it's inception the rates have increased dramatically���.probably multifactorial. I have Googled and I cannot find any reputable scientific trials or statistics to show if Relate is�a) Very helpful b) slightly helpful c) no difference at all. If anybody has any links for me to peruse, I would be much obliged. It would be helpful if posters on Relationships and Dating would give us some feedback so that we could evaluate the 3 methods of advice.

[Bbbananas]

I agree - it would be nice to know how these stories and situations pan out. I can remember a few instances though where we have been kept updated.

My feelings on the success rate of Relate-type relationship counselling is that it is (b) slightly helpful. Personally I don't think I would use such an organisation, but for some it could be invaluable - you never know until you try I supose.

I know the thread you're on about sqad - I don't think you were being a troll (and the comment about you being an @rse sometimes was very tongue in cheek (urgh...!!). I just think the poor girl at that particular moment in time wanted sympathy, or at the least empathy, not black humour.

You know I still love you..... x

[Bbbananas]

have you got diarrhoea this morning darling?
... of the verbal kind, obviously xx

[redman41]

I think you would be a good counsellor Squad as long as you can correctly identify the colours of Mrs. Squad's bras !!
lol
You would also make a good Rake as long as the Mrs approves !!
It is a win win situation and I envy you !!! lol

[caththecrazy]

Sometimes people just want to "hear" what other people think.

Must depend on what sort of character you are as to whether you get any positive answers from Relate. I don't think I'd go as I'm not sure that I's find it helpful.

Think there have been a few posts where people have said their relationship is back on track but a few more where it has ended.

Too many people post and then react in a negative way to the content of some answers whihc they don't agree with though.

[Rosetta]

If you assume the posters are genuine,( and without proof to the contrary I tend to take them on face value) they pose questions for a multitude of reasons, reassurance, advice etc etc.
Marital problems are often complex and this two dimensional format is not the best way of providing meaningful help, hence the suggestion to seek counselling, contact Relate.
Personally I don't find the "pull yourself together" approach is particularly helpful, if people are in real distress. Again I go on the side of caution in making this judgement, without clear evidence to the contrary.

You get all sorts of answers on this site, very few of which are backed by empirical research. Everyone has the right to an opinion, its just a pity that some posters don't use the responsibility of exercising a bit of judgement.

Tha wasn't aimed at you Sqad, btw

[caththecrazy]

Session One with Squad

person entering room

"GET OUT - did I say you could come in, did you knock??"

Upon re entering and assuming they were female
"What colour is your underwear?"

After listening to problem

Squad's answer woud be

a) you think you've got problems - I keep losing at snooker

or

b) see above

[funnygirl]

I could never imagine putting my marital problems on here!

There are some things which should remain behind closed doors and if I needed help, I would go to people qualified to deal with whatever problem it was!!!!

[mccfluff]

oh sh!t i think vibra and i are on a level i was reading that thinking data from next gen........

[Sqad]

salla...LOL...brought the topic of Relate up at breakfast and discussion was thought provoking.

redman...LOL, underwear, very important, texture and colour.

Cathey...maybe, but if I had such a problem I would go straight to the lads, not go on the faceless AB

vibra...it can be established scientifically.

rosetta.....very good answer and well thought out.

BUT...nobody has answered my main theme which is...." can anybody give me the link of any scientific trials relating to the performance or otherwise of Relate?

[Sqad]

catthy......I started of annoyed at you post but finished off laughing my socks off.........or knickers off, black , lycra.

[ummmm]

Sqad.....paragraphs not ..........!!!!!!

[Sqad]

ummm....it was beautifully paragraphed, well you know me. but when it came out it was all compressed.

I am indeed embarrassed.

[pastafreak]

I wouldn't pose any serious problems on here either.......and if I DID have an overwhelming urge to do so-it would be anonymously.

But I certainly do understand the motivation of those that do so. They find themselves in situations that are baffling or embarrassing,and no doubt need some kind of -mostly- anonymous-feedback.

I think there is a need in many of us to simply express whatever pain we may be feeling......and to do so here is a kind of release. This need probably originates from the fact that they can't do it within the relationship. All we can do is offer advide based on uour own experiances and observations.

Relate-and other counseling services -are only sucessful if the parties involved are willing to put in the effort......like anything else.

And 'success' is dificult to measure in emotional matters. If the parties involved decide NOT to continue their relationship because they care yet have grown apart....is that necessarily failure?? More likely being realistic.

[ummmm]

lol, I was only messing ;-)

I think some posters want reassurance but others only listen to what they want to hear.

[Bbbananas]

Going off on a slight tangent, years ago I worked at a family planning clinic - apart from the usual OCPs, pregnancy tests for teenagers & smears, the majority of the time was spent doling out free condoms by the dozen to sex-mad randy at-it-like-rabbits townfolk. On the same night as the family planning clinic, the Relate clinic was held.... it often caused confusion not to mention embarrassment at reception.

In one room those who were paying the consequences of just not getting enough, in the other those that didn't get any at all or couldn't get it up. On the one hand those who couldn't keep their hands off each others' genitalia, on the other those that only wanted to get their hands around each others' throats.

Funny Planning I'd call it.

[caththecrazy]

Squad did you not post on here about Mrs Squad entering your study without knocking?????

Agree that I wouldn't post a problem on here as no doubt someone would copy and paste it and use it later,

I'd ask the girlies or more likely sort it out with hubby.

Pasta agree with you - it could be considered a failute to stay in a relationship which had no trust and where there wasn't mutual respect and happiness.

Knowing when to leave a relationship can be a positive. Just like friendships they can die.

[bigmamma]

Gosh......I'll keep this simple ......morning sqad sweets :-) x