Sister in law troubles

[katieb73]

I have an awkward problem which I feel is probably down to me more than anything, I am not good at forgetting and forgiving and moving on. Last year my husband and I and our two children (one mine, one his from previous marriages) went away at Christmas to be with his family. we all stayed in a holiday house and his father was taken very ill on the first day, subsequently he was in hosp for 2 weeks and critical at one point. The problem I have is that my sis in law was so tactless with my step daughter (15 yearsold) as grandad was being driven away by ambulance, talking bout death etc. I did ask her to change the subject. Its very complicated but at one point she cornered my son in the kitchen and started to talk to him about his dad ( who we haven't seen for 13 years) which is none of her business. She also asked him how he saw my husband, as a father, why didn't he call him dad etc. I was not there at the time but found out later. My son (14)is very sensitive about his father and even I have difficulty talking to him about it sometimes. I felt she had crossed the line and my son didn't know what to say and felt very cornered.
It transpires that my son and myself "have lied about all of it" and that as a teacher she would never do such a thing. Chrimbo is a coming round again and I am not going away but staying home with my parents. Son has decided to go and I am feeling soooooo jealous. He has obviously forgiven, i know he hasn't forgotten. So why the hell cant I?????? any advice gratefully received x

[andy-hughes]

Because he will never understand your urge to protect him until he has a child of his own.

Parenthood pushes buttons. The minute you see your new-born child, the gene that says you will love them, support them and protect them to your last breath kicks in, and it never ever goes away.

Your son will have a different take on what has occured - probably nothing like as deeply as you feel it because you put an adult perspective on it, and he won't, yet.

Children climb over things so much quicker than adults - unless they are utterly inconsequential, in which case they can brood and sulk for England!

You have no need to be jealous, you are your son's mother, nothing can replace that - and he may be able to make your S-I-L see that she was tactless and intrusive.

Try to stay calm and don't let this consume you - it's done now, so even though you and your son have not forgotten, it's a valuable lesson for him the workings of relationships - and remember, he always come back to you.

[coccinelle]

At the moment I too have a problem with my SIL but not at all for the same reasons. You say, your son has forgiven but hasn't forgotten, did she actually say 'sorry' because in my book whenever anybody hurts me and my family if they don't say 'sorry' or ask to be forgiven; how can I forgive them? For the moment, I'm waiting for a 'sorry' from SIL but she's so proud she'll never say it, my husband's asked to talk to her and she refuses.
Could you have a word with SIL?

[katieb73]

Thank you for your insightful answers. I have not spoken to her and really dont want to... My husband is an ostrich when it comes to things like this! He would rather ignore it and hope it all goes away. She has not apologised as she sees that she has done nothing wrong... Thanks again for excellent replies x

[lil75]

Very difficult situation, I would be infuriated if foundout my fellas siter had talked about such things with my son, knowin me I would probably confront her......I had issues with my fellas sister at one point and sent her an email regarding the sitch.....she was in the wrong, and guess what I never got a reply back!!!! I have also had problems with his parents as they were disgusted that he met someone like me, a single parent.....dya know what it took them a year to meet me and now they try and make the effort, but if im honest I cant forget what they have said and done and I never will.....you have to ask yourself, how would you feel if you confronted her, would she deny it, or would she admit it and then you can put her straight and tell her exactly what you think....people eh, get on ur bloody nerves!

[katieb73]

she would deny everything...she is of course perfect. My son is an out and out liar according to her. As his mother i know when he is telling porkies, and he definitely wasn't. My husband refuses to acknowlege anything and consequently i have been quite low about this and dont know what to do or where to start. I can see him visibly retract if i start to mention it. I know he's fed up with it, but blood in this case is far far thicker than water...

[Ice.Maiden]

You were just acting as a protective parent before, but now that another yea's almost passed, both your son and step-daughter are that much older as well. I don't think that your sil meant to say anything wrong, but she just sees things differently from yourself. I think there's room for compromise.
Let your son go at Christmas, and try not to use the word "jealousy". Remember, that throughout his life, your son's going to like and get on with folk that you don't, but it's all about supporting your children's choices. They may differ from your own, but that's what becoming an independent young adult's all about.
You might be surprised, and find that your son actually DOES want to talk aboiut, and question some subjects now, and being the age he now is, it sometimes isn't the parents who they confide in first!
I can see why you were annoyed by what your sil said, but from her point of view, she perhaps believes that your son'd gain more confidence by tackling and talking about the more hushed subjects.
If I were you, I'd make contact with your sil, and try and have a calm and friendly chat with her, rather than see her as the villain. You could then express your reasons for feeling threatened by her remarks, and say that if your son doesn't want to discuss matters, then you'd appreciate her not pushing the subject/s again - but give her YOUR reasons for not wanting this. Sometimes, our own hidden fears can rub off on our children, and we have to learn to accept situations and to talk about them openly. Best of luck with it anyway.

[katieb73]

She is incredibly nosy and always asking questions, while we were away she asked me about my ex (son\'s father) and i said that as I have now been married and with my husband for 5 years I really didn\'t want to discuss it. She is like a dog with a bone. My ex was violent towards me and manipulative to my son, \"mummy doesn\'t love you like I do\" kind of thing. I left and rebuilt my life and tried to let my ex be a part of his sons life. The \'novelty\' soon wore off and when my son was 4 he stopped visiting, no word, no birthday, no christmas, completely leaving my son hanging. 11 years later we still have never heard a word. He was crushed for a long time and it was always hard to talk but i do, even now i will mention something that he and i did when we were happy together and so that my son knows that there was love in the relationship at one time.

But this is none of my SIL\'s business, and she knowingly grilled my son when I had earlier asked her to drop the subject. I cannot bring myself to talk to her because I will probably get really angry as she denies it all over again!!!

This week has been a tough one for me, but I have realised I must \'rise above it\', as my dad always says! My son will make his choice for christmas and I have made mine. It has been really good to get this all off my chest and thank you for all your very supportive replies!!

[droopdrawers]

I am concerned that your son,who you say is just 14 years old is allowed to be choosing to \"go away for christmas\" just because he wants too.

I may sound suspicious but no way would a child of mine at that age be allowed to choose that option....the option would never have arisen.

DD

[katieb73]

My husband, his ma and pa, sister and nieces and nephews are going up to the lakes. My son has the choice whether to stay with me or go with his step father. Thats not such a bad choice surely...? If i could retract the offer i would, but i will not go back on a decision!!