Coping with dominant yet confused mother in bereavement

[Tups]

My father died last Saturday. In the end, it was a great relief as he had been suffering from lung cancer. I have spent the last month, bar a couple of days off, at my mum's, 120 miles from my home, friends, cardiac rehab (following a virus induced heart attack), partner. I'm going absolutely stirr crazy, not least because Hisotry dictates the way I feel about my mum: She has always been controlling - I wonder what sort of man my poor Dad could have been, had he been allowed to be himself!

Mum hasn't broken down but instead, has become very confused and muddled. My brother and I are trying to do all the Executor stuff but she won't stop panicking and worrying about everything. She is worried that everything is going to go wrong, including the funeral. She thinks funeral guests won't be able to find parking spaces and that some of the family might forget to wear poppies! (The funeral is on 11th!) She keeps sighing, holding her head in her hands and rocking. I've urged her to see the doctor to get something to help her but she just gives me a dreadful look.

My problem is I can't comfort her. I'm sure she needs someone to hold her but I just can't do it. I'm very patient and I say the right things but I can't do that physical contact thing with her. Perhaps I'm also afraid it might open the floodgates ... My own health is suffering; my heart can't deal with stress. I shall have to go home the day after the funeral for hospital appointments of my own. She expects me to come straight back. But I need to resume my own life before I go mad!

I wonder, has anyone else been in a similar position?

[sara3]

no, but I do feel for you. firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. how very sad.

do you think having the flood gates opened would be so bad? maybe that's what you and your mum need. if you both have a "good" cry, you could almost start afresh and make the final plans with new clarity. I assume you've asked everyone to wear poppies!

is there anyone else who can share this with you? does your mum have other family/friends who could do their bit. you are taking on a lot, and need some breathing space. make sure you take it easy after the funeral x

[Tups]

Thanks Sara. My brother lives near my mum and he's doing what he can but he is very stressed at work and has severe problems with his own unmarried daughter, who treats both my brother and his wife disgracefully! He is presently trying to emmigrate to New Zealand! Mum tells everyone on the phone how her children are doing EVERYTHING and she couldn't cope without them! But it's just not true! She won't let us get on with it! God only knows when I'm going to be able to ask her all the stupid questions to fill in on the Probate form!
Maybe you're right about the needing to break down but I did hold her hand, sitting next to her a couple of days ago but she pulled it away! I felt I'd tried and that was that! All I feel for her is pity. I know she has lived for her family but I can't feel affection for her. It's dreadful that I can comfort strangers in their hour of need, and have done, but not my own mum!!

[Androcles]

There are many who will read your post and wish that they could do more than offer sympathy, but sadly that is how it is. We all grieve and suffer loss in our own way and others cannot do our grieving for us any more tham we can do it for thens. The most we can offer is support and sympathy.

You have enough on your plate doing that for your mother whilst trying to support your partner, so do not beat yourself up, you must stay strong, so let her find her own way. As Sara says, is there anybody else in friends and family who can share the burden? But be calm, if you have done as much as you can you can do no more, so do not feel guilty.

[Tups]

You're right. I feel I have done all I can, barring any magic remedy not yet discovered! I suppose I'm flummoxed by her unusual reaction, having just lost her husband of 57 years! My own husband died 8 years ago at the tender age of 58 and I expect people were surprised at my outward composure. They didn't know what was going on inside. I expected Mum to break down in the traditional way but no, she is stressing about peripherals instead! I hadn't thought of it as being a form of grief but I suppose it must be! Maybe she will break down more 'normally' at or after the funeral.
In answer to your question, there is only my brother but he can't deal with the emotional side; only the practical. My own daughter, bless her, came here this week end to help - she is 24 and a fantastic natural carer - but Mum would have none of it! She still sees her as her little grand daughter, I suppose!
But I shall take on board your thoughts and take comfort in the fact I feel I am doing all I can and shall have to resume my own life soon and be wary that I may have to be there to pick up the pieces later!

[sara3]

well I think you're a bloody saint, good on you!

it will hit your mum after you've gone, and the funeral is over. she will probably then realise her real loss. sad really. but it may change her. and maybe other people will rally round when they see she is on her own.

you've done you're bit, probably more than your bit so you have nothing to feel bad about. you sound like a lovely lady to me. look after your health and your own family unit x

[Whoever]

Hard and sad though it seems, I think that after the funeral you will just have to let your mother work through her grief on her own for much of the time. It may, in fact, do her good to be alone for a little while. For the past month you have been there all the time and in fact your reassuring presence may in fact have delayed your moth thinking things through for herself and taking a little more responsibility for all the tasks which have to be faced. Perhaps once the funeral is over, some of her stress and anxiety complex will fall away. It's a big ordeal to face but she will now have to start learning to relive her life as a solo individual rather than somebody who is one of a pair. This is going to mean her having to face up to making new friends and learning to go out and about on her own. Give her a little time and then you and your brother will have to start encouraging her to rebuild her life and find some new interests. If she doesn't do this and you allow her to project her grief onto you when you are already trying to cope with being an executor and all your own commitment, you will be making a rod for your own back. Make sure her house is well stocked up with food before you go home. Then I'm afraid, her new life alone will begin and she will need to start finding her own way through her emotional grief.