The stone as roll not heap up not foam: English as She Is Spoke

Q. What

A. English as She Is Spoke. The worst - or best, depending on how you look at it - phrasebook in history.

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Q. What's it all about

A. This little gem derives from one Pedro Carolino's Guide to the Conversation in Portuguese and English, published in 1869. Carolino, who was Portuguese, did not�have an appreciable command of�English at all, nor did he have a Portuguese-English dictionary to hand. Instead, in order to see his project through, he worked with a French-English phrasebook and a Portuguese-French dictionary. The result is a greater contributor to humour than linguistics. (Think of the Rolling Stones as the Stones as Roll.)

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Q. Is this real

A. No kidding. Carolino's English wasn't good enough to be able to work out that his masterpiece was as off the beam as it was. Anyway, it has given many people much joy over the last 130 years and provided the inspiration for comedy routines, not least the famous Monty Python sketch that featured phrases from a Hungarian-English phrasebook such as 'My hovercraft is full of eels', which was alleged to mean 'I'd like a packet of cigarettes and some matches'.

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Q. And a few examples

A. The problem is where to start. The whole thing is monumentally and uniquely fabulous. However, here are a few tips offered in the section called 'For to See the Town':

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Anothony, go to accompany they gentlemen, do they see the town.

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We won't to see all that is it remarkable here.

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The cupola and the nave are not less curious to see.

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What is this palace how I see yonder It is the town hall.

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There is it also hospitals here It not fail them.

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What are then the edifices the worthiest to have seen

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That it shall be for another day; we are tired.

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and 'To Inform One'self of a Person':

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How is that gentilman who you did speak by and by Is a German. I did think him Englishman. He is of the Saxony side.

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He speak the french very well. Tough he is German, he speak so much well italyan, french, spanish and english, that among the Italyans, they believe him Italyan, he speak the frenche as the Frenches himselves. The Spanishesmen believe him Spanishing, and the Englishes, Englishman. It is difficult to enjoy well so much several languages.

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and in case you were in any doubt how to speak to a boat owner whom you may be thinking of hiring to ferry you across the Thames,�take some advice from�the section 'For Embarking One's Self':

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Don't you fear the privateers!

I jest of them; my vessel is armed in man of war, I have a vigilant and courageous equipage, and the ammunitions don't want me its.

Never have you not done wreck

That it is arrived me twice.

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And here's a few proverbs that you probably didn't know:

The necessity don't know the low.

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A bad arrangement is better than a process.

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Cat scalded fear the cold water.

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With a tongue one go to Roma.

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Take out the live coals with the hand of the cat.

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A horse baared don't look him the tooth.

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It want to beat the iron during it is hot.

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To be as a fish into the water.

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To make paps for the cats.

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...and you thought you knew your own language

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Q. Can you buy it still

A. It's listed on Amazon - under humour - so yes. Failing that take a look at http://fragment.com/~ganz/spoke.html

for more fine examples of the mangled mother tongue.

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For that Python sketch in full go to http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Scripts/TheHungarianPhrasebookSketch

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For more on Phrases & Sayings click here

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By Simon Smith