Am I expecting too much?

[classylady60]

May I ask what thoughts you lovely people might have on this? Daughter, husband and two grandchildren (one at college the other working) live less than ½ a mile away. I talk to daughter on the telephone a few times a week and that's about all, rarely do we see them now. There's no family get togethers as they're too busy working which I totally understand. I don't have any other family here now so feel quite left out unfortunately.

Grandchildren have a social life, I totally understand of course but they rarely visit now of their own volition. The only way I catch up with what they are doing is by seeing postings on facebook, my daughter doesn't mention much that goes on now.

I feel very lonely, we used to do things together occasionally. My daughter has always told me that she wouldn't ever have me to live with her because two women don't get on in the kitchen. A while ago her m in law was taken ill & my daughter said, "If we could accommodate her here I'd give up work to look after her." I felt very hurt by this. We both suffer chronic illness and they will help us without doubt if we ask them for which we are very grateful but I would love them to come visit us more "without a reason" but it rarely happens now and I'm told "we are tired or busy working all the time".

I feel guilty that I may sound selfish about this because I do really understand about different lives and work etc, illness does make me feel down from time to time and tonight is one of those times I guess. Thank you for listening to me, I'm interested in your thoughts, a different viewpoint sometimes helps. Thank you so much.
CL

[welshlibranr]

feel sad for you classy!......I see a lot of my daughter and her children, and would be a very lonely soul without them, your daughter probably doesn't realise how much you need to be a part of their lives, maybe have a little word with her, she maybe sees you as being happy enough with your own life! you should enlighten her!.............

[classylady60]

Thanks welshi...I have mentioned it from time to time, even asked her if anything is wrong because we don't see much of her and she always says no. Sometimes though I have to be careful what I say as she gets upset if I say too much, it's like treading on egg shells at times so I now tend to not mention it and be grateful for any contact I have. I never thought it would be like that as I got older but there you are, we never know how things will turn out.

[JB]

She probably gets upset because she's being pulled in every direction - I work full time (have Sundays off most of the time) and feel terribly guilty that I don't have enough time to spend with my family/in-laws. I would love to be able to go and spend a day with my mum or mum-in-law but the reality is on my one day off I have to catch up on the housework/washing/ironing etc. I suspect its similar for alot of people, so try not to take it personally - and if you're able, offer to go and visit her.

[Maydup]

((((Hugs classylady)))) Maybe things will change with time.

I hope so.

[jno]

I suspect you are expecting too much. I know it sounds harsh, but children grow up and lead their own lives. They may stay close to their parents but you can't *expect* them to do so. Once you're an empty nester is the time to get on with your own life. Starting over isn't easy, I know, but you can't rasie children in the expectation that they'll always be around. (Me, I spent most of my adult life thousands of miles from my Mum; I rang her when I could but only visited every couple of years.)

[China Doll]

Have you suggested days out or that you could come and visit them?

[hellywelly4]

Hello classylady. I do feel for you because I'm in a very similar situation. In fact, I was going to go on holiday with my daughter and she has emailed to say she doesn't want the responsibility/worry about me. She just wants to be with her children without any worries. I feel dreadful but can't do anything - I'm active (fortunately) with a very good circle of friends who have rallied round me which is lovely, but they aren't my daughter. So.....if you're selfish, so am I, we care for them so much. I don't ring her because it's never the right time. I could go on. You have helped me, actually, because I realise I'm not the only one. thinking about you and sending a hug.

[fairycakes69]

I can understand where you are coming from, but like others have said, if your daughter works full time, she will have very little time to do what she wants to do, you know yourself women tend to do the housework on days off, and she'll want to spend time with her other half, my sunday is gone before I know it. And I'll bet she just said that about her MIL to keep hubby happy, knowing full well there is no room. My kids don't really see their grandparents as they are busy with their own lives, I only see them cause 4 of them still live with us and thats only for tea and then they are off out or in their rooms, I'm sure your daughter is the same. Try not to let it make you feel down. A lot of us think our mums are there when we need them but never really think that they might need us, fraid to say I'm like that, but then again my mum drives me insane, can only handle her for an hour once a week, feel guilty about it, but you can't pick your family,if only.

[Prudie]

Your post has made me really feel for you classylady and has also made me feel very guilty. I work full time and like to loll at weekends and always resented the time my mother wanted from me. As I got older I put my foot down and I'm sure I left her very lonely at times (she'd been widowed quite a while). I never would contemplate the idea of her living with us and got really crotchety every bank hol etc when she expected to spend it with us. She died unexpectedly and now I feel awful about the time I didn't give her. Try not to take it too personally, sometimes we get very selfish about our own lives.

[joko]

why dont you invite them for tea at yours...a proper invite, proper spread etc, show them a fun and exciting great time an they may feel more like coming round in future

if when you do see them you always throw in the odd loaded comment, no matter how smalll you view it...it will just be another one for the list

perhaps they feel you are trying to hint all the time...why not make the first move insted of expecting them to come to you

my sister and bro make comments like taht to me...trying to guilt me into coming to see their kids more... but to be honest i barely saw either of them before the kids came and spoke mostly to my sis on the phone, so i am not going to drop everythign to rush round there - especially since i cant stand my bro and his wife...

they think these comments and jovial yet making a point and hoping i get the point an 'do as im told' but actually it just pissis me off...

[classylady60]

Oh gosh, I just typed a long reply and it disappeared..eek. Sorry I've not got back before now but PC problems prevented me.

Thank you all so much for your very kind thoughts and hugs and understanding, your advice has helped me without a doubt and it's good to see that people do understand, this such a great site with so many caring people.

I do understand about work and not enough hours in the day of course and time taken when at home doing chores...used to be the same for me years ago. I can't fault my family when we need help as they will rally round if things are difficult so I am more than appreciative of them and can't thank them enough. I understand too that they have their own lives to lead, far be it from me to want anything different, I always brought my daughter up to "do her own thing" but to value family too which I know she does.

I guess I just feel lonely at times when friends are having days out with family and it doesn't happen for us now but I know things change that's for sure.

I'm sorry I made you feel guilty Prudie, I'm sure your mother knew just how much you cared as it doesn't always have to be shown in deeds does it.

I will definitely try to invite them round to tea or dinner one day again (used to be something that we did and they did back), a difficult thing for me nowadays though as my health doesn't always allow as no two days are the same. However I will give it a go when they are all free to come.

Thank you to everyone for your comments, understanding and advice, I appreciate it so much and for the hugs that are well received. Hugs back to everyone in a similar situation because I more than understand.

CL