Relationship Breakdowns

[feebletoe1492]

help!!!!!!!!!! I have a 13 year old step daughter. She came to live with my wife and myself 7 years ago. She arrived with her two sisters after a court case where her biological father and step Mother were deemed by social services to be negligent. Since then (she was 6) she has been a major problem with big issues. Her behavior mainly manifested at school during breaks or in the playground. She started off with biting children and then kicking them . We had to take her out into another school where she started running around the classroom or hiding also lobbing bottles at teachers heads (9/10/) roughly years old walking off site, countless visits to the junior school to find her telling her to apologise to teachers etc, followed up by staying in her bedroom when she behaved this way. She moved up to senior school when she was 11 and has been a nightmare walking out of classes, running around the school grounds, punching children, breaking expensive school equipment,swearing at teachers etc...she was removed and placed into a behavior school ,her behavior got better but there were times at home she would explode. She got back into mainstream into a better more structured school where she initially did well.. but since the summer she has been back to her old ways,she has been excluded and has been told improve or your out. Now she has started cutting herself and putting on messages on facebook that shes ugly and wants to die. I told my wife when she first started cutting to see the GP ,she said she she would keep an eye on it..the school have now noticed and told my wife. I keep telling my wife we need help but she never takes my advice and tells me to butt out ...She has only taken her to the DR today because the school mentioned it.IT is so frustrating being a step parent because my wife has the final say and my opinion is not valued. She has had counceling in the past and they have said she is in control and makes the wrong decisions.My wife is so defensive and always says that I think she is a s++t parent... I feel helpless I cant even suggest anything without her getting angry...Our relationship is under real strain because of what has happened...My step daughter has told her sister she is trying to split us up...its working ..any suggestions

[grasscarp]

First she was separated from her mother. Next she was separated from her father. Probably inside she is still a very angry and confused child. Sounds like she needs a lot of counselling and it will take time to sort out. I hope for her sake that this is done as soon as possible as otherwise goodness know where this will lead. You and your wife need to be united on the way forward. I know easier said than done and I wish you lots of luck.

[Old_Geezer]

No expert but it seems to me the first step is to come to an agreement with your wife. Adults should be able to talk without feeling under attack and becoming defensive. It sounds as if she thinks you are being critical rather than helpful. Maybe it is how it is presently discussed ? Unless you two can come to an agreement on the way forward in the interests of the child then maybe you guys don't need much help from your step-daughter to split. Get those heart to heart discussions started/sorted as a priority. For the sake of your relationship as well as the child.

I would agree some things need specialist help, even if it is just advice. If your step daughter has hit such a bad place, and is playing up, then I think you have a case to ask for such help to turn the situation around.

[pixie373]

I agree with the others. It must be incredibly difficult being a step -parent. Parents can be defensive of their children, so you will need to be careful about making suggestions to help your stepdaughter, so it doesn't sound like a criticism of her or her mum. The good thing is she is taking her to the GP, who should refer her to the Mental health services. Meanwhile, just reassure your wife that you're on the same side. Wish you all the best.

[feebletoe1492]

thanks guys it is so hard...80% of our debates arguments are based around step child ...we used to be so good together. The crux is as you stated trying to give advise and her being defensive about her parental skills... Its getting to the point that maybe im best to keep quiet.. (ridiculous idea) I think step child may have bi polar. wife back from GP soon..she didnt want me to go. will inform later of doctors outcome

[pixie373]

Let us know. It must be hard for all three of you. You're perfectly entitled to your opinion, but as your wife is stressed and worried also, it may not be taken how you meant it. She probably just needs some reassurance at the moment.

[feebletoe1492]

the doctor just told my wife lots of kids her age harm themselves and has referred her to a mental health branch....unbelievable he seemed pretty unconcerned

[feebletoe1492]

forgot to mention that at 13 years old she still sucks her thumb on a regular basis and wallks around with a pillow (off her bed) sucking the corner...strange eh!

[Mamyalynne]

The referral is a good start, try not to mistake calmness for unconcern - self harming is indeed very common. Obviously she is a very unhappy girl and hopefully will get the right team to help her and you all as a family.

Hard though it is, rather than offering an opinion try instead to ask your wife 'How can I help' - then it is seen as less of a potential criticism and more a concern , as concerned you truly are I can tell.

Thumb sucking an pillow hugging, best left alone and not commented on.

[ladyalex]

I think this referral is a very good thing.
If your stepdaughter is cutting herself then her problems are serious and she needs professional help with them.
Hopefully the mental health team will see all of your family, not just your wife and stepdaughter which might help.
For what it is worth, I doubt that your stepdaughter is trying to break you and your wife up. I think her problems are coming from within her , probably from her past experiences when she was "neglected" (whatever that means) by her father and stepmother.
Try to hang in there, it will probably still be a rocky road yet, but hopefully you will get some help to walk down it.

[ladyalex]

just noticed your posting about thumb sucking and pillow hugging...can only agree with mamya...best left alone, not commented on and certainly not ridiculed .

[feebletoe1492]

yes...thanks. after her 2nd week of exclusion,we had to take her back to school..we had a meeting for reintergration at 10.30am..by 14.45 that ver same day she got excluded again for walking out of class and running away from teachers. not bad eh. excluded on the same day she came back from an exclusion

[pixie373]

My daughter was, too. Has since been diagnosed with ADHD and starting medication on Monday. Don't give up x

[feebletoe1492]

oops excluded again for two days...this time for somehow breaking a fire door.two more days of exclusion and shes out!!..today she was home for her first days exclusion she decided to run out of the house and not answer her phone ..she came back home three hours later just saying "i had to see my boyfriend". another days grounding ,no doubt ignored by her.

[ummmm]

You need to be a bit tougher then.