How Do I Get Over This Relationship Issue?

[IamCharlie]

Hi there. I am a 29 year old woman in a relationship with a man 8 years younger.. We have been together just over a year and a half. We just so happen to be in a serious relationship but above anything have been best friends since day 1. I come to you asking for you input on an issue that has been very present for too long now and I want to put an end to it.

As you can probably imagine, there were many people not to ready to embrace us as a couple due to the age difference (including myself). Well I have came to terms with the fact that some people just do not like me and some I am just more inclined to win over and I am.

My boyfriend has this female friend that he was already friends with for about 2 years prior to meeting me. I have no problem with him having friends male or female. This one friend however is the "relationship issue" I am trying to get over here. I will lay it out factually in order.



1. My bf and I met on a catholic retreat and we have been active in working them since. At a retreat after the fact, we were asked to put three names on the back of our name necklace to signify "who helped us be who we are today". By this time we had been dating 4 months and he writes his mom, sister and his friend's name. That was the beginning of this issue. Considering that I do listen to him and he had mentioned others that he had known way longer that really helped him along in life, why would he write her name that he knew for 2 years? That really created a bad taste in my mouth for their friendship.

2. Given the fact that I met practically everyone of significance in his life, it was only obvious that I would want to meet his friends that he goes to college with and hangs out with. Well a year later and this had not happened. I had hinted, directly asked, tried to set something up and nothing. It became very suspicious to me that being such a good friend to my boyfriend, this girl had no interest to meet me. And this had to be for some specific reason. Still have not met her.

3. When I have expressed how annoyed or disgruntled I am with this friend, he is protective of her. Not in a mean way just protective, which is annoying to me cause I am not attacking her just trying to understand what is going on and calm myself. He reassures me that it's nothing is going on (and I very much believe and trust him) and we drop the topic.

4. The things he has told me about her dating habits were that she is into one type of guy and always gets burned. Knowing how woman can be I told him that makes me uncomfortable because once she realizes that that type of guy is not the right kind, she will set her sights on another type and since they are such good friends, and she knows he's an amazing guy she will set her sights on him.

5. In a recent "make or break" situation with my bf and I, it was revealed that the reason she has never wanted to meet me is cause for much of the relationship, she has been against it. Never having even met me. My bf asked me what I wanted him to do to eliminate the issue and I said I wanted him to end the friendship since I had done the same with people in my life to make him comfortable. He asked that I meet her and then we would go from there.

My what the hell issue right now is that she spent so long having and issue with the relationship but didn't bother to meet me, and I am supposed to meet her just to confirm that I want her and my bf's friendship to cease?

Ok so in your most educated opinions, please advise me how you think I should handle this? Cause I am sick of it and I want the issue gone by any means possible now. Please be honest, I am looking for a solution, not a pity party.

Thank you!

[Zacs-Master]

Well, as you seem to have made your mind up that you hate her ( at least that's what comes across) and your BF really likes her, I think you have to work it out yourself.

[boxtops]

He's 21, he's young, there aren't a lot of lads that age ready for a full-on commitment. You sound very possessive.

This business about the names - someone he knew for 2 years sounds Ok to me. It's nice he has female friends - in our relationship, both of us have friends we knew before we met, it's not an issue, I've never met many of his friends of either gender.

Re the not meeting - you need to learn to respect each other's needs on occasion and not live in each other's pockets all the time. Where do you see this going?

Neither of you should have to cut people out of your lives just to please the other partner, that's too controlling and exclusive. Where will those people be for you, if this relationship ends? Bad idea.

[pixie373]

It's up to you if you want to meet her or not. It sounds to me like she is a little resentful of your relationship. I'm not really sure that we should be telling people to be friends with, but it's telling that you've given him an ultimatum and he is still friends with her, so I'm not sure he's that bothered about your feelings. But that doesn't mean he wants to be with her either. What is stopping him finishing with you and getting together with her?

[ummmm]

Never make a person chose. It often back fires!!

[flump1]

Goodness, you sound like a control freak ! An awful lot of people will be at the top of his list for years and you may get there , or not if you push the issue.
What is your problem? Did you want to meet this girl so you could publically lay claim to your boyfriend ? Or assess their relationship ?
You have a boyfriend, she has a friend , and they are the same man, get over it.

[ummmm]

I think Charlie sounds more insecure than a control freak; maybe because of the age gap.