Horror As 'Man Doused In Bleach' In Busy...
News74 mins ago
I Have Turned Into Gness ...
39 Answers
... or I have upset someone and they have set the leprechauns on me.
It was going to be a quiet break in Lisbon - visiting the (all grown-up) daughter of some old friends, doing a bit of sight-seeing and possibly having the odd drink or three.
It was a catalogue of mishaps of (almost) gnessian proportions :
1. My (usually reliable) pub near Luton Air Parks turned out a Sunday Lunch of staggering incompetence ... you could have soled my shoes with the beef & the gravy was a substance previously unknown outside secure biochemical facilities. The astonishingly bumpy bus ride to the airport (roadworks ahoy) was then a bit of a trial.
2. I pinged the airport security barrier - never done that before - boy was the search thorough (he surely now knows 'which side I dress') and I thought deploying the special 'sock sniffer' device was a tad rude.
3. My 'liquids bag' also excited unusual interest - God knows what they thought was in the toothpaste tube - but they had a full chemical test kit and they were jolly well going to use it.
4. Once safely ensconced on my sleazyjet flight, I would have bet against anyone having the stamina to rhythmically kick the back of my seat for 3 hours - I'd have been wrong.
5. A manic cab ride (buttocks were clenched very hard at several points) deposited me at my friend's apartment block ... my gammy knee would have liked a lift - instead it found steps. Steep steps. 71 of them. I counted.
Day 2 dawned ... with every construction worker in Lisbon going at it full blast immediately outside my window ... from quite early .. make that 'very early'.
6. A gentle stroll into town followed - or at least that was the idea. Lisbon is astonishingly hilly, everywhere is always uphill from where you are. I was knackered by lunchtime & so bought a tram/bus pass.
7. The first pickpocket attempt was within (about) ten seconds of me boarding my first tram ... I think I may have hurt his fingers.
8. Pleasant day, nice meal ... but then ... overnight mosquitos. Blood thirsty ***. Bitten everywhere. I'm just glad I kept my pants on.
Days 3 + 4
Were surprisingly uneventful - apart from twice getting soaked in 'unseasonal' thunderstorms - and another couple of routine "Oh no you don't, matey" moments on a crowded Tram 28.
Day 5.
Time to go home - I'd sussed out the metro/trams by now & was all set for a quick/cheap run to the airport. But the metro was shut ... all of it ... and there were no cabs (because the metro was shut).
I got the Aerobus ... as did about a hundred other desperate travellers ... it was possibly the hottest/worst 45 minutes of my recent life.
At the airport, through security, through passports, through to the very gate - about to board at my plane ...
... which had just 'gone technical'. You know the 45 minutes on the bus were a bit hot? This was the same. But with the worry that I was about to get on a broken sleazyjet ...
But the flight was (eventually) uneventful.
As was Luton ... until I discovered that they'd closed the M1 junction I was about to use. I hope no-one recorded the ensuing minute or two or 'dave rant' that I had in the privacy of my car - it was very forthright.
But I'm safely home, and when the neighbours asked me I just said :
"I had a lovely time"
Dxx
It was going to be a quiet break in Lisbon - visiting the (all grown-up) daughter of some old friends, doing a bit of sight-seeing and possibly having the odd drink or three.
It was a catalogue of mishaps of (almost) gnessian proportions :
1. My (usually reliable) pub near Luton Air Parks turned out a Sunday Lunch of staggering incompetence ... you could have soled my shoes with the beef & the gravy was a substance previously unknown outside secure biochemical facilities. The astonishingly bumpy bus ride to the airport (roadworks ahoy) was then a bit of a trial.
2. I pinged the airport security barrier - never done that before - boy was the search thorough (he surely now knows 'which side I dress') and I thought deploying the special 'sock sniffer' device was a tad rude.
3. My 'liquids bag' also excited unusual interest - God knows what they thought was in the toothpaste tube - but they had a full chemical test kit and they were jolly well going to use it.
4. Once safely ensconced on my sleazyjet flight, I would have bet against anyone having the stamina to rhythmically kick the back of my seat for 3 hours - I'd have been wrong.
5. A manic cab ride (buttocks were clenched very hard at several points) deposited me at my friend's apartment block ... my gammy knee would have liked a lift - instead it found steps. Steep steps. 71 of them. I counted.
Day 2 dawned ... with every construction worker in Lisbon going at it full blast immediately outside my window ... from quite early .. make that 'very early'.
6. A gentle stroll into town followed - or at least that was the idea. Lisbon is astonishingly hilly, everywhere is always uphill from where you are. I was knackered by lunchtime & so bought a tram/bus pass.
7. The first pickpocket attempt was within (about) ten seconds of me boarding my first tram ... I think I may have hurt his fingers.
8. Pleasant day, nice meal ... but then ... overnight mosquitos. Blood thirsty ***. Bitten everywhere. I'm just glad I kept my pants on.
Days 3 + 4
Were surprisingly uneventful - apart from twice getting soaked in 'unseasonal' thunderstorms - and another couple of routine "Oh no you don't, matey" moments on a crowded Tram 28.
Day 5.
Time to go home - I'd sussed out the metro/trams by now & was all set for a quick/cheap run to the airport. But the metro was shut ... all of it ... and there were no cabs (because the metro was shut).
I got the Aerobus ... as did about a hundred other desperate travellers ... it was possibly the hottest/worst 45 minutes of my recent life.
At the airport, through security, through passports, through to the very gate - about to board at my plane ...
... which had just 'gone technical'. You know the 45 minutes on the bus were a bit hot? This was the same. But with the worry that I was about to get on a broken sleazyjet ...
But the flight was (eventually) uneventful.
As was Luton ... until I discovered that they'd closed the M1 junction I was about to use. I hope no-one recorded the ensuing minute or two or 'dave rant' that I had in the privacy of my car - it was very forthright.
But I'm safely home, and when the neighbours asked me I just said :
"I had a lovely time"
Dxx
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Prayer For Sunny Dave's Personal Transformation
Dear Gness
It is fruitless to rail against the world of Gness.
The world I inhabit is a reflection of my own self
For macrocosm always mirrors microcosm
As success mirrors a Gness catastrophe
If I see it in the world, I know the spiritexists in me.
Therefore, to change the AB world
I now commit to my own transformation into Gness.
I become the fertile Gness soil for the world I want to see.
As a beginning, I tell myself—every day—that I am changing.
I tell myself that You Gness are guiding and shapingme
—into holiness and wholeness.
Then instead of focusing on what is accidental or frightening
—or telling myself things are getting worse—
I affirm that bad things are falling away.
I switch my focus to what positive vibes and shed tools
I can use to the situation and the miraculous takes place.
I stop blaming Tony and, instead
Take responsibility for the state of my world, my accidents and the state of my life.
I open myself to Gness-like love
And experience the intensity of the Unconditional.
I never wish for others what I can't do unto myself.
I become generous of spirit, Guinness and alcohol at large
And visualise lives of fulfillment and prosperity for others.
I leave fear behind as You Gness take me by the hand each day.
And I forgive the unforgivable, namely mrs O's deeds.
As a result, all conflicts and crimes within me resolve
And, with them, the discord and mistakes in my life.
All disapproval within me dissolves
And with it, the aches and pains in my body from falling over
security fences in airports and nights in ditches
I am a better person, one of whom Gness would be proud.
Yet I do not practice denial of my anger or fear, Lordy no,
But transcendence if that is what she calls it
For You Gness lift me up in accordance with my intentions and words.
You make these words powerful, Hallelulah
And only Truth utters from my lips (well most of the time):
That You and I are One
That, to You, every living thing is sacred
That, as part of You, I am able to let go of my fears
That, as part of You, my destiny is to be happy pished and useful .
I begin my transformation today
—and with it—
The automatic transformation of the AB world.
Every day I dedicate my thoughts, words and deeds to Higher Truth
that is you
I ask You to create a Sacred Container for the day, a bottle of Guinness
I affirm that You guide me in doing boy soul work.
I affirm that everything I think, do and say
Is guided by a Higher Principle, the Principle of Gness,
And what I do, think and say serves the greatest good.
Thank You for working Your miracles through me.
Thank you for peace of mind, heart, and soul.
The AB world and I, Dave, are One with You,
God of my heart, Breath of my breath, Throb in my veins.
Your loving world is the real one, and my gratitude is profound.
And so it is.
Amen.
Dear Gness
It is fruitless to rail against the world of Gness.
The world I inhabit is a reflection of my own self
For macrocosm always mirrors microcosm
As success mirrors a Gness catastrophe
If I see it in the world, I know the spiritexists in me.
Therefore, to change the AB world
I now commit to my own transformation into Gness.
I become the fertile Gness soil for the world I want to see.
As a beginning, I tell myself—every day—that I am changing.
I tell myself that You Gness are guiding and shapingme
—into holiness and wholeness.
Then instead of focusing on what is accidental or frightening
—or telling myself things are getting worse—
I affirm that bad things are falling away.
I switch my focus to what positive vibes and shed tools
I can use to the situation and the miraculous takes place.
I stop blaming Tony and, instead
Take responsibility for the state of my world, my accidents and the state of my life.
I open myself to Gness-like love
And experience the intensity of the Unconditional.
I never wish for others what I can't do unto myself.
I become generous of spirit, Guinness and alcohol at large
And visualise lives of fulfillment and prosperity for others.
I leave fear behind as You Gness take me by the hand each day.
And I forgive the unforgivable, namely mrs O's deeds.
As a result, all conflicts and crimes within me resolve
And, with them, the discord and mistakes in my life.
All disapproval within me dissolves
And with it, the aches and pains in my body from falling over
security fences in airports and nights in ditches
I am a better person, one of whom Gness would be proud.
Yet I do not practice denial of my anger or fear, Lordy no,
But transcendence if that is what she calls it
For You Gness lift me up in accordance with my intentions and words.
You make these words powerful, Hallelulah
And only Truth utters from my lips (well most of the time):
That You and I are One
That, to You, every living thing is sacred
That, as part of You, I am able to let go of my fears
That, as part of You, my destiny is to be happy pished and useful .
I begin my transformation today
—and with it—
The automatic transformation of the AB world.
Every day I dedicate my thoughts, words and deeds to Higher Truth
that is you
I ask You to create a Sacred Container for the day, a bottle of Guinness
I affirm that You guide me in doing boy soul work.
I affirm that everything I think, do and say
Is guided by a Higher Principle, the Principle of Gness,
And what I do, think and say serves the greatest good.
Thank You for working Your miracles through me.
Thank you for peace of mind, heart, and soul.
The AB world and I, Dave, are One with You,
God of my heart, Breath of my breath, Throb in my veins.
Your loving world is the real one, and my gratitude is profound.
And so it is.
Amen.
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