Listener 4842 For Me And You By...
Crosswords1 min ago
I Will Have A Pint Of Lager Please....
An infinite amount of mathematicians went into a pub.
The first one says
"I will have a pint of lager please"
The barman starts to pour him a pint.
The next Mathematician says
"I will have half a pint of Lager please"
The third man says,
"I'll have a quarter of a pint of Lager please"
The fourth,
"I'll have an eighth of a pint of lager"
Somewhat irked at this request, the barman motions towards pouring this bizarre range of drinks, but stops, pours two pints, slams them on the table and says.
"Here, you lot sort it out!"
The first one says
"I will have a pint of lager please"
The barman starts to pour him a pint.
The next Mathematician says
"I will have half a pint of Lager please"
The third man says,
"I'll have a quarter of a pint of Lager please"
The fourth,
"I'll have an eighth of a pint of lager"
Somewhat irked at this request, the barman motions towards pouring this bizarre range of drinks, but stops, pours two pints, slams them on the table and says.
"Here, you lot sort it out!"
Answers
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Question from an Indian brave, to his father, who is the chief of the tribe:
"Father, you have three wives, who all squat outside your tent on animal skins. One sits on a beautiful polar bear skin, that you had brought to you from the Arctic. One sits on a beautiful tiger skin, that you had brought to you from India. The third sits on a smelly old hippo skin, that you had brought to you from Africa. I've seen though that you go to bed with the third wife twice as often as you do with the other two. Why is that?"
Answer from the Chief:
"Son, I am disappointed in you, as you clearly haven't been paying attention in school. If you had, you would know that the squaw on the hippopotamus is always equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides"
;-)
"Father, you have three wives, who all squat outside your tent on animal skins. One sits on a beautiful polar bear skin, that you had brought to you from the Arctic. One sits on a beautiful tiger skin, that you had brought to you from India. The third sits on a smelly old hippo skin, that you had brought to you from Africa. I've seen though that you go to bed with the third wife twice as often as you do with the other two. Why is that?"
Answer from the Chief:
"Son, I am disappointed in you, as you clearly haven't been paying attention in school. If you had, you would know that the squaw on the hippopotamus is always equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides"
;-)
Mine's about genetics...
A Missionary in Swaziland is summonsed to the tribal main tent.
The Chief says,
"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "
The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.
"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one."
The chief leans into the missionary's ear and whispers,
"I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"
A Missionary in Swaziland is summonsed to the tribal main tent.
The Chief says,
"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "
The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.
"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one."
The chief leans into the missionary's ear and whispers,
"I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"
Jean-Paul Sartre is in a café, revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Sir, but we’ve got no cream. How about with no milk?”
Sartre throws the draft in the bin and goes back to the drawing board.
Sartre throws the draft in the bin and goes back to the drawing board.
Another Native American, Ahem, joke.
A lad of 10 goes with his parents to the US. In Oklahoma, they visited a Native American reservation where, in a cabin resided the man according to the sign, with the best memory in the world, allegedly. The young boy, thought
"I will catch him out"
He went into the cabin, bedecked in Tribal antiquaries and, hold on, it was the cabin that was bedecked in Tribal antiquaries, not the boy. I digress. Anyway, he walked up to the old gentle man and said
" Who won the F.A. cup final in 1872?"
"Ha", he thought,
"Gotcha"
The old man paused briefly and replied,
"The 1872 FA Cup Final was a football match between Wanderers and Royal Engineers on 16 March 1872 at Kennington Oval in London. "
"Okay then" said the boy, shocked at the answer,
"But who won?"
"Wanderers, 1-0" Said the old man
A little embarrassed at his failed attempt to be smart he shuffled away a little impressed, to be honest.
Years passed and the young man now in his 30's was a native American enthusiast. Recreating the tribal lifestyles as much as you can with a notable lack of Bison, along with other enthusiasts in camps and meetings all over Europe. He had not forgotten the old man. One day he decided to go back to Oklahoma to visit the reserve once again. He could not believe it, the cabin was still there and apparently the memory man who he thought long gone was still there answering questions. He walked in the cabin, bedecked with Tribal antiquities, yes it was him this time. Saw this much older man, the same man, sitting in his chair. Knowing the ways of the Native Americans he saw his chance to speak to this incredible man. He walked up to him, front and centre to give him the appropriate tribal greeting and boldly spoke up
"How" he said
The old man paused briefly and said,
"A free kick just outside the penalty box"
I'll get my Dish Dash.....
A lad of 10 goes with his parents to the US. In Oklahoma, they visited a Native American reservation where, in a cabin resided the man according to the sign, with the best memory in the world, allegedly. The young boy, thought
"I will catch him out"
He went into the cabin, bedecked in Tribal antiquaries and, hold on, it was the cabin that was bedecked in Tribal antiquaries, not the boy. I digress. Anyway, he walked up to the old gentle man and said
" Who won the F.A. cup final in 1872?"
"Ha", he thought,
"Gotcha"
The old man paused briefly and replied,
"The 1872 FA Cup Final was a football match between Wanderers and Royal Engineers on 16 March 1872 at Kennington Oval in London. "
"Okay then" said the boy, shocked at the answer,
"But who won?"
"Wanderers, 1-0" Said the old man
A little embarrassed at his failed attempt to be smart he shuffled away a little impressed, to be honest.
Years passed and the young man now in his 30's was a native American enthusiast. Recreating the tribal lifestyles as much as you can with a notable lack of Bison, along with other enthusiasts in camps and meetings all over Europe. He had not forgotten the old man. One day he decided to go back to Oklahoma to visit the reserve once again. He could not believe it, the cabin was still there and apparently the memory man who he thought long gone was still there answering questions. He walked in the cabin, bedecked with Tribal antiquities, yes it was him this time. Saw this much older man, the same man, sitting in his chair. Knowing the ways of the Native Americans he saw his chance to speak to this incredible man. He walked up to him, front and centre to give him the appropriate tribal greeting and boldly spoke up
"How" he said
The old man paused briefly and said,
"A free kick just outside the penalty box"
I'll get my Dish Dash.....
A 19th century missionary was in deepest darkest Africa spreading the word of God in front of a whole village. Each time he made a proclamation about God the whole village would raise their arms shouting "Hussanga, hussanga!" with smiles on their faces. This went on throughout his Christian sermon. It was all going rather well! When he was finished he turned to the tribal chief who was also smiling. "Well, I think my work here is done, I couldn't help but notice you have some rare cattle over there in the distance, mind if I take a look?". The chief, still smiling said "Not at all, but mind you don't step in any hussanga on the way!".
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