logical love, does it exist?

[Malaika]

hello all, I've just signed up as I could really do with some objective advice. Here is my little dilema. My parents are trying to arrange my marriage with this guy and don't worry I'm not being forced into it. Its completely upto me to accept it or reject it. Now this guy is actually a friend of mine. I have known him since ever and we get on really well. he is funny, intellegent, easy to talk to and most importantly respects my views. So, he ticks all the boxes(except for the fact that he's 6 feet 2 inches tall and makes me look tiny bt i guess i could live with that). The only trouble is I just can't imagine him in a romantic role. We just don't click that way. Things have been really awkward between us eversince this proposal was put forward. He has made it clear that he really likes me but unfortanately the feeling isn't mutual. My sisters tell me that I'll be a fool to turn this proposal down as I might not find anyone better than him. They say I live in a fatasy world. The cycle does'nt always work like fall in love and then get married, it can work other way too. Can it really??? They say its called 'logical love' and you can choose to fall in love with a suitable person. I'm really at a loss at what to do!!! My parents are now pushing me for an answer as I've delayed enough. Can anyone please advise me on what is the right thing to do in my situation??

[Le Chat]

As an adult you should be able to make your own informed decisions and choices. It is very difficult for anyone who is not of your religion to put themselves in your position.
However, if you truly have to decide, then try to project 5-15 yrs into the future and say to yourself "in hindsight, I should've done this, or that..."
If you reject this man, you may end up with a chavanist, wife beating control freak...or you may not.
If I were you, I think I would hedge my bets on someone who will treat me well and maybe my life would be ok.
It seems that unpleasant to me.

[sliver]

if you married him, then at some stage met another man who ticked the "romantic" box (as well as all the others), would you stay with your husband?

if not, it would be unfair on this man to pretend otherwise. everyone deserves the chance to find the ideal relationship.

[Malaika]

Hmmm, that made me think. But hopefully, he'll 'grow on me'. But there is no way of knowing, is there?? I don't wanna turn him down and then regret for the rest of my life. At the same time I don't wanna accept him and sign myself into an unhappy relationship. How can i possibly know??

[Le Chat]

You can't know. No one ever does but at least if you start from a place of mutual love, then at least you both go in it together with the same feelings and goals.

[welshlibranr]

I think that, even though you're being pushed for an answer, you need more time to decide, maybe spend some time with him, and only decide when you are comfortable, don't allow yourself to be pushed, otherwise you may live to regret a decision made in haste!

[paraffin]

Hi Malaika:

I'm guessing that you may be no older than about 20? You should consider the following points:

1. If you decide to marry this guy, you may spend the rest of your life with him which, on average, could be at least another 60 or more years.

2. Unless you find yourself thinking of him 24/7 and can't bear to be apart from him, you probably don't love him.

3. You may like, admire and respect him, but can you imagine life going on without him?

4. Would you regard getting married to him just to please your parents the right thing for you?

5. Do you feel pressure, no matter how slight, from the rest of your family over this matter?

6. Do you have a non family member whom you trust enough to take advice from?

7. If there is no instant "spark", it's unlikely to suddenly appear just because you decide to marry someone.

8. Are you reasonably happy as you are or do you have a desperate urge to enter into the life-changing institution which is marriage?

9. Would you like to do other things with your life before "settling down"?

10. You must be selfish in your decision because you are the most important one in this situation, not this guy, not your family.

11. Be true to yourself. Life is short but wrong decisions can last a long time.

I hope my comments will help you and I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

[Ice.Maiden]

You don't say how old you are, which country you're in/from or what religion you follow.
In the UK there are Asian helplines, for instance, who deal with these sort of problems.
I'm not in your situation, but I'd say this to you - tell your parents that you respect their choice, but you'd like a while longer to make a decision. Then, as has been said, get to know this man further. Are you chaperoned when out together? Even though you've known him as a friend for a long time, can you ask him if he really feels for you, or whether he, too, is being pushed? Ask him what he'd expect from you if you were to marry. Would you be allowed to follow a chosen career path, for instance, or expected to start a family immediately? If you can look at both sides from a detached point of view, you might actually find that this man has the qualities needed for a good marriage. I wish you the best of luck.

[jadeymodel]

hi hi,

Well I think you should perhaps chat to the guy about it, see if he 'could be' romantic. Maybe try doing some romantic things together and see how that works? If all else is good then try work on the spark to see if you can get that?

But personally I think you should 100% be happy about marrying. Don't listen to others, listen to yourself.

xx

[tamborine]

What is logical love? Is that sex with someone somebody else decides is your match......thats what a pimp does.

If you're not physically attracted to a partner how can you share an intimate lifetime with them? What will you do when you find someone else attractive after this match - families & hearts broken at a later date?

[Malaika]

Thanks ever so much to everyone for advice. Paraffin, thanks for giving me such a detailed analysis. I'm 22 and am in university. i am a muslim but arranged marriages are more cultural than relegious. I am very pro arranged marriages as your parents do the hard work for you:-). things can go wrong in any marriage, arranged or otherwise. The main attraction in this guy for me is that I know for sure that he is very open minded and won't have a problem with me following my career path or making my own decisions in life. Guys like this don't come along very often, not in our community anyway. I think I'll try to spend some more time with him and see if it goes anywhere, wish me luck :-)

[zzxxee]

mmmmm it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought but if you are haveing doubts maybe a long engagement is the answer and some staight talking to this guy so he really understands how you feel
but please dont rush into a marrige with doubts good luck x

[paraffin]

Hi again Malaika:

I wasn't too far out, then? I'm not a Muslim but I respect anyone's religious beliefs.

And if you yourself are content with the arranged marriage situation, then you're halfway there, aren't you?

You are absolutely spot on when you say that any type of marriage can encounter problems. You only have to look at the divorce rate in the UK to confirm that fact.

Hopefully you can find that elusive thing called love, on top of the friendship, trust and respect which any successful marriage would need. Even then, there's no guarantees, but there again, that sums up life as well.

You deserve to find your Prince Charming, and I think you'll know when and if you do.

[Malaika]

Thanx guys:-)I have spoken to him today and I think it could have been nominated for the most awkward telephone conversation of the century. He has asked to take me out so that we can talk about it. I have taken him up on his offer, I think its kind of a date. The long engagement is a good suggestion, I'll talk to him about it. Thanx again xx

[simonvs]

There's a lot people can do to make a relationship work, and there are many books, etc. to help, although adults have to make our own decisions, of course.

Falling madly in love, with its passion, excitement, sexual feelings, etc. usually only lasts a few months or years, which is why so many couples split up. If you have interests and values in common, similar aims in life and are temperamentally suited, you should be able to work on it and develop a very happy marriage.

Good luck!