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The Answerbank Radio Show - Midweek Episode
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Wednesday dawned fair in the village of Answerbank-Under-the-Wold (twinned with Condom, France). On the green by the duck pond, the village idiot Baz was pointing at imaginary things in the sky, and on a nearby bench the village grump was reading the Daily Mail and fervently marking headlines with a highlighter pen. In the shop cum post office, the proprietor, Ms Craft was taking advantage of the lull in custom to enjoy a gin laced cuppa whilst steaming open letters awaiting delivery. On the outskirts of the village, Tony the plumber awoke in a ditch nursing a monster hangover, a black eye, and discovered his trousers were missing. Ms Craft looked up as the doorbell tinkled and in walked Ms Gness the barmaid from the Quizzes & Puzzles Arms, closely followed by Ms Mamya, the district nurse.
"That flamin' knicker nicker has struck again" wailed Ms Gness. My best silk drawers have gone from the line. I saw Dr Sqad nearby but he said he hadn't seen anyone suspicious."
"This is getting beyond a joke" said Ms Craft, "That's the fifth theft this week. That Dr Sqad wants his eyes testing. He is always near the scene of the crimes but never sees anyone loitering."
"Call yourself a shop?" interjected Nurse Mamya. "Where's all the freshly baked cakes?"
"Sorry" said Ms Craft, "That Mrs Boo was in first thing and bought them all."
Just then an ear piercing shriek made them all jump.
Out on the green, the village grump looked on in horror as a figure with a brown face, foliage in his hair and a shotgun in his hand appeared from the bushes. He shrieked again and ran into the shop.
"We're being attacked by Muslim terrorists" wailed the grump.
"Don't be daft" said Ms Gness, "It's only Mr Shoota in his camouflage gear. He's been rabbiting."
Across the green, the local vicar, the Rev. Venator was leaving the vicarage and heading to see the village spinster, Miss JJ. In the pub the previous night he'd overheard Tony the plumber say "I bet that Miss JJ knows her way around an organ."The regular church organist Sunny Dave had done one of his frequent vanishing acts on his Honda 50 moped, and a Sunday service without hymns wasn't the same. Miss JJ was in her kitchen making a cake. After a week of puzzling over the unexpected parcel from an unknown lady called Ann Summers, she had come to the conclusion the slender 10" object was some type of whisk, albeit a fairly ineffectual one. The Rev. Venator knocked on her back door and let himself into the kitchen. He was somewhat startled to see Miss JJ holding what looked like, well, something unmentionable, and furthermore she was licking the thing. "I always like to eat the leftover mixture - I have done since childhood" said Miss JJ. The Rev Venator backed away towards the door then fled back to the vicarage.
Ms Gness and Nurse Mamya were walking along the high street and were joined by Ms McFluff, the local mad cat woman.
"Morning ladies, are you going to the quiz in the pub tonight or to the talk in the village hall?"
"I'm not going to the quiz" grumbled Ms Gness. "The same team of brainboxes win every week. It's that foursome, Mr DT, Mr LieinKing, Mr Mark Rae and Mr Buenchico. Who's on in the village hall?"
"It's Ms Craft giving doing one of her clairvoyant nights" said Ms McFluff.
"Oh she is marvellous" said Nurse Mamya. "Last time, she told me I would be receiving a windfall on my premium bonds and with the very next post I got a cheque from them."
"It was a similar experience for me" said Ms Gness. "She told me I had been worried about my health and I would be getting the all clear, and in the very next post I had a letter from the hospital saying I had the all clear. She is so accurate, I don't know how she does it."
The three women paused to wave at the local supermodel, Mrs Overall, as she drove by in her top of the range Mercedes.
"Oh that reminds me, said Ms Gness "Have you heard the latest gossip?"
(Cue theme music as the episode ends)
"That flamin' knicker nicker has struck again" wailed Ms Gness. My best silk drawers have gone from the line. I saw Dr Sqad nearby but he said he hadn't seen anyone suspicious."
"This is getting beyond a joke" said Ms Craft, "That's the fifth theft this week. That Dr Sqad wants his eyes testing. He is always near the scene of the crimes but never sees anyone loitering."
"Call yourself a shop?" interjected Nurse Mamya. "Where's all the freshly baked cakes?"
"Sorry" said Ms Craft, "That Mrs Boo was in first thing and bought them all."
Just then an ear piercing shriek made them all jump.
Out on the green, the village grump looked on in horror as a figure with a brown face, foliage in his hair and a shotgun in his hand appeared from the bushes. He shrieked again and ran into the shop.
"We're being attacked by Muslim terrorists" wailed the grump.
"Don't be daft" said Ms Gness, "It's only Mr Shoota in his camouflage gear. He's been rabbiting."
Across the green, the local vicar, the Rev. Venator was leaving the vicarage and heading to see the village spinster, Miss JJ. In the pub the previous night he'd overheard Tony the plumber say "I bet that Miss JJ knows her way around an organ."The regular church organist Sunny Dave had done one of his frequent vanishing acts on his Honda 50 moped, and a Sunday service without hymns wasn't the same. Miss JJ was in her kitchen making a cake. After a week of puzzling over the unexpected parcel from an unknown lady called Ann Summers, she had come to the conclusion the slender 10" object was some type of whisk, albeit a fairly ineffectual one. The Rev. Venator knocked on her back door and let himself into the kitchen. He was somewhat startled to see Miss JJ holding what looked like, well, something unmentionable, and furthermore she was licking the thing. "I always like to eat the leftover mixture - I have done since childhood" said Miss JJ. The Rev Venator backed away towards the door then fled back to the vicarage.
Ms Gness and Nurse Mamya were walking along the high street and were joined by Ms McFluff, the local mad cat woman.
"Morning ladies, are you going to the quiz in the pub tonight or to the talk in the village hall?"
"I'm not going to the quiz" grumbled Ms Gness. "The same team of brainboxes win every week. It's that foursome, Mr DT, Mr LieinKing, Mr Mark Rae and Mr Buenchico. Who's on in the village hall?"
"It's Ms Craft giving doing one of her clairvoyant nights" said Ms McFluff.
"Oh she is marvellous" said Nurse Mamya. "Last time, she told me I would be receiving a windfall on my premium bonds and with the very next post I got a cheque from them."
"It was a similar experience for me" said Ms Gness. "She told me I had been worried about my health and I would be getting the all clear, and in the very next post I had a letter from the hospital saying I had the all clear. She is so accurate, I don't know how she does it."
The three women paused to wave at the local supermodel, Mrs Overall, as she drove by in her top of the range Mercedes.
"Oh that reminds me, said Ms Gness "Have you heard the latest gossip?"
(Cue theme music as the episode ends)
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