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The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 3
80 Answers
In the village of Answerbank Under The Wold (twinned with Intercourse, Missouri) the villagers were gathered in the Quizzes and Puzzles Arms. They were subdued as the village constable, PC Andy Hughes cast a stern gaze around the room.
"I don't believe you lot. I go on secondment for a week to help fight crime in that pit of lawlessness Sportsanswerbank In The Marsh and all hell breaks loose here." Opening his notebook, he glared at Ms Craft and Mr Ratter. "First of all we have Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot here creeping about in the woods and then ringing to say half the village have been illegally incarcerated in a lunatic asylum." Ms Craft took a nervous gulp of her gin and Mr Ratter tightly hugged his beloved miniature Yorkshire terrier Frou-Frou to his chest. "On top of that we have a knicker nicker on the loose, I keep getting anonymous phone calls to say the village has been invaded by Muslim terrorists, and several courting couples have complained about a peeping tom who drives a white van." In the corner a small elderly figure tried to hide behind his Daily Mail and Tony the plumber tried to contort his face into a look he thought signified innocence, but actually caused his neighbours to wonder if he had constipation.
PC Andy Hughes continued. "For your information the so-called lunatic asylum is actually a new business called The Body & Soul Holistic Centre and Owl Sanctuary. The alleged missing villagers have all been secretly helping out to prepare it for opening and the notice on the door was put there as a joke. I've been told to tell you that you are all invited there this evening for free drinks, nibbles and a look around prior to the official opening. I'm off now, but let me tell you I will be watching you lot closely."
After PC Hughes had left, the villagers began chattering excitedly until Mr DT stood up and cleared his throat. "You can't go there tonight, I've booked the village hall for an evening of "Poetry What I Have Wrote Combined With A Whist Drive and Pie & Pea Supper."
"Sod that" came a voice from the crowd as the villagers exited en masse to prepare for their night out.
Ms Wolf, the manageress of the new centre and her assistant Ms Chi-Chi were both in tears as they surveyed the scene before them. After imbibing copious amounts of free wine, the villagers had turned a pleasant evening into a nightmare. Tony the plumber was unconscious on the floor with his nose bleeding copiously onto the new shagpile. Traci the masseur rubbed her sore fist and grumbled "It's his own fault for asking if I did extras."
Ms AYG was also on the carpet, being treated for shock. Ms Wolf had offered her a complimentary colonic irrigation, and thinking it was a free cocktail she had readily agreed. Someone had released the owls from their cages and the room was covered in guano. One of the owls had flown off through an open window having first snatched the toupee from the head of Mick Talbot, the centre's handyman. Ms TTFN had passed out and Mr Moonraker was gallantly yet inappropriately trying to revive her by removing her clothing. Ms Gness, who had been drinking Guinness, had copiously vomitted in the jacuzzi and Ms Nibble had started a food fight with the nibbles.
With his bald head covered in a shower cap, Mick Talbot threw the villagers out and slammed the door behind them. From behind a curtained doorway, the owner of the centre Ms Rowanwitch surveyed the mess and then calmly pulled out her cauldron, muttering "They will pay for this night."
Having the shortest legs on any of the villagers, Ms Craft was the last villager to arrive home. Outside her shop cum postoffice she was surprised to see SunnyDave sitting astride his Honda 50cc moped. Standing beside him was a slight figure whose face was obscured by a crash helmet. Removing the helmet, the figure was revealed to be a beautiful young woman with porcelain skin, called Miss ChinaDoll. She smiled and said
"Hello mum"
(cue theme music as episode ends
"I don't believe you lot. I go on secondment for a week to help fight crime in that pit of lawlessness Sportsanswerbank In The Marsh and all hell breaks loose here." Opening his notebook, he glared at Ms Craft and Mr Ratter. "First of all we have Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot here creeping about in the woods and then ringing to say half the village have been illegally incarcerated in a lunatic asylum." Ms Craft took a nervous gulp of her gin and Mr Ratter tightly hugged his beloved miniature Yorkshire terrier Frou-Frou to his chest. "On top of that we have a knicker nicker on the loose, I keep getting anonymous phone calls to say the village has been invaded by Muslim terrorists, and several courting couples have complained about a peeping tom who drives a white van." In the corner a small elderly figure tried to hide behind his Daily Mail and Tony the plumber tried to contort his face into a look he thought signified innocence, but actually caused his neighbours to wonder if he had constipation.
PC Andy Hughes continued. "For your information the so-called lunatic asylum is actually a new business called The Body & Soul Holistic Centre and Owl Sanctuary. The alleged missing villagers have all been secretly helping out to prepare it for opening and the notice on the door was put there as a joke. I've been told to tell you that you are all invited there this evening for free drinks, nibbles and a look around prior to the official opening. I'm off now, but let me tell you I will be watching you lot closely."
After PC Hughes had left, the villagers began chattering excitedly until Mr DT stood up and cleared his throat. "You can't go there tonight, I've booked the village hall for an evening of "Poetry What I Have Wrote Combined With A Whist Drive and Pie & Pea Supper."
"Sod that" came a voice from the crowd as the villagers exited en masse to prepare for their night out.
Ms Wolf, the manageress of the new centre and her assistant Ms Chi-Chi were both in tears as they surveyed the scene before them. After imbibing copious amounts of free wine, the villagers had turned a pleasant evening into a nightmare. Tony the plumber was unconscious on the floor with his nose bleeding copiously onto the new shagpile. Traci the masseur rubbed her sore fist and grumbled "It's his own fault for asking if I did extras."
Ms AYG was also on the carpet, being treated for shock. Ms Wolf had offered her a complimentary colonic irrigation, and thinking it was a free cocktail she had readily agreed. Someone had released the owls from their cages and the room was covered in guano. One of the owls had flown off through an open window having first snatched the toupee from the head of Mick Talbot, the centre's handyman. Ms TTFN had passed out and Mr Moonraker was gallantly yet inappropriately trying to revive her by removing her clothing. Ms Gness, who had been drinking Guinness, had copiously vomitted in the jacuzzi and Ms Nibble had started a food fight with the nibbles.
With his bald head covered in a shower cap, Mick Talbot threw the villagers out and slammed the door behind them. From behind a curtained doorway, the owner of the centre Ms Rowanwitch surveyed the mess and then calmly pulled out her cauldron, muttering "They will pay for this night."
Having the shortest legs on any of the villagers, Ms Craft was the last villager to arrive home. Outside her shop cum postoffice she was surprised to see SunnyDave sitting astride his Honda 50cc moped. Standing beside him was a slight figure whose face was obscured by a crash helmet. Removing the helmet, the figure was revealed to be a beautiful young woman with porcelain skin, called Miss ChinaDoll. She smiled and said
"Hello mum"
(cue theme music as episode ends
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