gness's holiday - Disaster #1.

[DTCwordfan]

I had such a super time away but it’s nice to be back to the safety of AB and my friends here – tony – I hope that you have been behaving and looking after those goats of murray’s or there’s havoc to be paid for in the shed. Talking of sheds, yes I had a disaster with one in the Eastbourne garden centre, venturing in there for some bird seed for Deidre's pet vulture. I had had one too many pints of Guinness at the Rat and Arse at lunch time, served with rather a nicely made colcannon and pizza/ I got back in my friend’s car and, after four miles, had to cross my legs and sing “An Emigrant’s Daughter” at the top of my voice just to distract myself and almost my friend too. She careered over the top of the roundabout just in front of the garden centre, taking out one of those lit plastic boxes with a blue directional arrow in it, over the road and into the centre, only to come to rest with her front wheels in their exotic lily pond. Enter stage left one irate garden man looking like Moonie armed with a wooden hay rake. Exit stage right one gness holding onto her crotch looking for the Ladies. I shot into the centre and got directions from the sweetest Mrs Overall type on the cash tills. It couldn’t have been her as she resembled tinks after a night on the Weegie town. Anyway, dashing down the aisle to the said Ladies, I saw the bird paraphernalia, cages for tony and all that, perches for Wendilla and one lone box of seed. So I went to grab it, my left hand over my privates and didn’t notice the hose pipe across the floor – stupid people and they go on about health and safety. Anyway, one box of seed goes flying quicker than sibton and dave’s bike and gness follows, along with two other customers, one of whom knocks over a JJ like statue of Venus that then crashes into another, followed by another and a humengous angry looking one, looking like MT on one his nights out. This crashes into this leaning shed thing, not built like mine I hasten to add and very flimsy, no Mr Builder resistance to that, and it falls off it stand to end up on its side knocking down these huge sunflower pots and “bang” through the greenhouse window of the warehouse, three pots goe to end up in the lily pond, knocking over the irate manager berating my friend for her ineptitude at being able to park straight and brake. My reaction, well I stood there and lost it, wetting myself or rather the floor with ex-Guinness. When finished, I slipped off my knicks and put them over the remaining standing statue’s head and went outside. “Come on Deidre, if they can’t even have a decent shelf that can hold a box of birdseed safely, then what else can’t they do. Let’s be going.” With this, I opened the passenger door and accidentally nobbled Mr Moonie in his goolies and sent him flying back into the pond.
Barmaid, how much do you charge if there are any cases pending?
It was a good afternoon, I thought, relatively incident free. To be cont.

[B00]

Why's it from you DT?

And I have to confess, I'm really beginning to struggle to believe that anyone suffers from as many "misfortunes" as gness.

Really?

[snags]

''To be cont.''

Stick some paragraph spaces in the next episode please...

[DTCwordfan]

All part of these accounts, snags....as in the Mrs O story last week.

[jno]

snags, think Joycean

[joggerjayne]

alongtheriverrunpastblahblahblah ...

[DTCwordfan]

“And if he had judged her harshly? If her life were a simple rosary of hours, her life simple and strange as a bird's life, gay in the morning, restless all day, tired at sundown? Her heart simple and willful as a bird's heart?”

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

[EvianBaby]

Me too, Boo.

[gness]

Hi DT. Does this mean we're not on for lunch on my next trip to Devon or will you still risk it?

Why's that then BOO?

[DTCwordfan]

Oh, I'll risk it - see e-mail.

[Psybbo]

Isn't there room for humour in chatterbank?
Well recounted DT

[B00]

Maybe because im tired, grumpy, jaded, or combo of all three- but these stories put the writers of Some Mother's Do Have 'Em to shame

<possibly just me>

[gness]

Like I said before....I don't lie but I do embroider a story. Often to cheer myself up when life gets a bit bitchy and have a bit of fun. Harmless I thought but I guess having been over to sign the DNR for the Ma today I'm in a touchy mood so I shall go away and open a bottle instead. Gx

[DTCwordfan]

well B00, you have made me snigger, and you too, Evian.......it must be fairly "representative" of gness (though surely the exaggeration is evident?? Or maybe not!) - so, B00, do take heart in that and I hope your evening improves for the better.

[TOWIE]

Its good to have a laugh. Beats all the bitching.

[DTCwordfan]

True Towie, and even though the Savile and Welsh stories are very sad, I am a bit "bitched" out from all the exchanges over there and the repetition of points, time and time over.

[B00]

That's fine gness, of course it is, but I was baffled as I genuinely thought this tale was being passed off as actually happened.

I didn't know that it kinda like Mrs O stories (i don't get those either, do avoid em, lol), I take it everyone else was aware that they're fabrications except donut here?

Anyway, apologies for me ,wasn't meant to offend, put a disclaimer on 'em in future so I know to avoid em ;-)

[B00]

Apologies FROM me, not for!

[Psybbo]

B00, we're sending you a very large cake and a bottle of wine - feet up and enjoy xx

[DTCwordfan]

Good idea sibbo.

n.b. No cakes were used in the production of this disaster screenplay.

[B00]

Lovely offer sibs and way to go to make me feel even more of a cow, lol.

Can I pass on the wine though? I don't like it, only be wasted on me, i'll have Ribena instead please :-)