Please Help.. My Mother In Law Is Dying Of Cancer.

[scruffbag]

She is in a hospice and my husband vists daily.[only child, after his brother died a few years ago] She could pass away at any time.
He is still working full time, works long hours, and then goes to the hospice after work.
He is exhausted. He takes his tiredness out on me and can be very verbal.
I work part time, and keep everything else going.
We still have all four parents living. They are all in their eighties, and all have health problems.
What is the best way of handling this situation? Please advice me. I am struggling. Many thanks.

[NoMercy]

Be as supportive as you can and look after him by making sure he's eating properly and keeping his strength up. Make him cups of tea, run him baths, but try to gently point out that you are not his punching bag.

[Mosaic]

Sympathy, love and hugs for all of you.
Has he always been verbally unpleasant when under pressure or is this a recent thing? If the latter, it's going to be easy to simply grit your teeth and find somewhere else to be when he's in this mood. Then when he isn't in that mood, you can find five minutes to sit down quietly and explain that you love him, you're both working incredibly hard under pressure, and would he not do that.
If however it's a behaviour pattern he's always had, it's going to be harder to address it. From his stance, it would seem he's always done this, so 'it's unreasonable' to challenge it now. So you'll need someone else to support you through - maybe a marriage guidance counsellor that you can both sit down with.
Let us know how you're getting on, tough times indeed.

[woofgang]

mosaic has given you some excellent advice. Could your husband get some leave at work to help him cope with the exhaustion?

[gness]

I'm so sorry.....You've had good advice and does anyone know, I don't, if McMillan Nurses help and advise the family in situations like this?

[woofgang]

McMillan will offer advice in any circumstance to do with cancer.

[RATTER15]

Talk to the staff at the hospice, they will give you very specific advice.

[woofgang]

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx

[gness]

Thanks Woof...that's something I didn't know.

[happyone2]

Forgive him everything , he only has one mother and she will only die the once, so he has no experience against which to judge his own actions, to talk about his pain, his lose, his feelings............. when my ex-husbands mother died he and by association me and my daughter went thru hell but he didnt mean to hurt us, he just couldnt help himself................his pain overwhelmed him and being a man he just couldnt express it.......

Just for this time have faith in your love and let him deal with his pain in his own way...............its not nice, its not fair but it just is..................he will one day come back .......................

I feel for youPxx

[emmie]

if here in the UK, assume you are, contact Macmillan nurses immediately, they are very supportive, and can give you all advice, a break if required,
and much needed care.

[scruffbag]

Many thanks everyone.
I will contact Macmillan Nurses, and have words at the hospice when I get the chance.
Too add to it. My own mother is very ill now, and wants me round at their house also. XXX LOVE AND KISSES TO EVERYONE FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS!!

[emmie]

hugs and kisses from me, been in similar position, not parent but o/h, very very traumatic, good luck

[pusskin]

really feel for you scruffbag. We have been there too, and its very hard going. We didnt have the nurses in, and it was tough.
Bless ya, stay strong x

[paddywak]

My best friends wife died a few years ago from cancer and the Macmillan people were brilliant, nothing was too much for them and they had people who know how to handle any situation. As you have already been advised please get in touch with them I'm sure they'll be able to help.

[emmie]

paddywak, totally agree, they were brilliant with o/h, much better than the nurses who were supposed to care for him.

[inamuddle1]

I am sorry to hear about your husbands mother. I am an only child and my father died 2 years ago. I was 28. It's something that you grow a strength with, and you just handle it. I handled it very well, but I did just get on with it, you adopt a strength. But I dont think I would be working. I would be on compassionate leave. Its too much working, no one could handle that. Suggest that he goes on leave from work for a while. Good luck, I'll say a prayer for his mother

[Connemmara]

my sister lost her only child in a drowning accident about 7 years ago and I know she used me as a thumping ground - I put up with it for years but I had to draw a line and of course she has calmed a bit

[lady-janine]

i can't add to what has already been said but hugs to you and keep your chin up. ((()))

[NOX]

Happyone you are an incredibly wise being- I can't add anything to that, you've covered it all, except I'm so sorry you're going through this scruffbag :-(