Family Wedding Dilemma

[Kathyan]

My youngest daughter is getting married this year. Her father and I were divorced when she was four. He did have access but would only have her to stay if it suited him. I have since re-married and for the last seventeen years she has only visited her father a handful of times. Her step father (although he never refers to her as such!) has looked after her and she has called him Dad since we got married. She went to visit her father at Christmas and told him she was getting married. He said he would like to be there and she agreed. Since then she has asked a lot of questions about why we split up and I have told her things she didn't know about my relationship with her father and because she has realised that he lied about what happened, she now doesn't want him at her wedding. The problem is that she doesn't know what to tell him. Even though she has a different opinion of him now, she doesn't want any arguments. Can anyone suggest what to do?

[EcclesCake]

I had a complicated parent arrangement at my wedding.

My father was invited as a guest, he did not give me away and he didn't sit at the top table. This meant he attended but had a level of anonymity that suited me.

[boxtops]

I don't want to dispute what you have told her, but the version she's heard is only your side of events...

The easy way out would be to hold the wedding ceremony in a small location, so you can only fit immediate family in - but then Dad could argue that you can't get much more immediate than the bride's father.... what does your husband feel abot it, is he due to give her away?

[Sqad]

She see,s to have had just one side of the story concerning the breakup of your marriage.

It may or may not be the correct version.

He is your daughter s father and has every right to be at her wedding

[Meg888]

I understand that she may not agree with her father lying in regards to your relationship, but the way I see it is, it was between the two of you - husband and wife, and the stuff that happened then is pretty long gone. I'm not trying to dismiss the cause of your split back then, but you've moved on and found a decent man since. If it was me, I would encourage her to invite him and do as Eccles did. That's my opinion based of what you've shared, obviously I wouldn't claim to know the full extent of why you split and I'm not trying to belittle it in any way :-)

[Bazile]

It would be harsh to ban her father from her wedding ( unless he had done something unforgiveable ) .

How would you feel if it was you as her mum , that was not invited ?

[pixie373]

She should go and speak to her dad about everything and see what he has to say. Would there be any harm having him as a guest? In the end, it's up to your daughter and if she doesn't want him there, she'll need to explain that to him. It doesn't sound as though she wants to hurt his feelings, though...

[Kathyan]

She has heard both sides of the story and has made her own mind up who she believes. She has found him out about some things that he has lied about. Even though he is her father she knows that he doesn't always tell the truth, not just about our relationship but other things as well. My husband won't get involved as he says it's up to her what she does, although she has said that she wants him to give her away.

[boxtops]

Fair enough. I think I'd do what eccles suggests, he is her father after all... but if she feels strongly about it and doesn't want him there at all, then she'll have to tell him. Nobody else can do that for her...

[anneasquith]

its her wedding. so her choice as to who is invited. good decision from your OH .

[pixie373]

That sounds fair enough. If your daughter feels that strongly about not having him at her wedding, she'll find a way to tell him. I don't think she sounds that bothered to be honest. Are you hoping he won't be there?

[Kathyan]

I think she should tell him how she feels and I will tell her what eccles did and see what she says. I will feel a bit uncomfortable if he's there but I don't have to speak to him so, for her sake if she wants him there then that's fine.

[anneasquith]

mothers can ' give the bride away '

[pixie373]

That's very honest of you:-). I think she'll find a way, if it matters that much. It would be quite a major statement to disinvite him now, though.

[joeluke]

Sounds to me that you told daughter certain things about her father hoping that once she heard them she wouldn't want him at wedding

It worked

[Prudie]

As someone who had my stepfather give me away with my father present I'd suggest she gives it a rethink and have her father at her wedding. We often take sides or have strong views about a parent when a marriage breaks up but these can mellow with age. I think she'll regret not having him there one day when it's too late, I certainly ended up regretting not letting my father give me away, in fact I think I was quite cruel.

[sherrardk]

My biological father attended my sister's wedding but my step dad gave her way. My biological father was not invited to my wedding and my step dad gave me away. If she is old enough to be getting married, she is old enough to make up her own mind and inform the 'interested parties' accordingly. This is not your fight or problem, it is up to her now.

[Ellipsis]

You got divorced a long time ago and have probably both changed a lot since. You're happy now so I'd treat it as water under the bridge.

If he wants to come to his daughter's wedding (to the extent described by EcclesCake) that's a good thing, isn't it? Or would your daughter rather that he was the sort of Dad who didn't want to go to his daughter's wedding ...

[EDDIE51]

Is the wedding in a church? if so churches are open to everyone. The father does not need an invitation to attend the church when the wedding is held as churches are free for anyone to attend any time. The wedding reception is where an invitation is needed. Only a suggestion but is a 'church only' invitation a possible way out?

[Prudie]

I think everyone has given very helpful advice and opinions but it's very salient in this case to realise that the dad has already been invited and now she's changing her mind, far more difficult to handle.

[Kassee]

Write and tell him that you have to cut down on numbers as you are finding it difficult to fund the cost of your wedding. Apologise and all that but say you cannot afford to whole thing and both of you have had to cut back. That way, he can offer to pay towards the cost, or accept that he cant come.

Being a father involves a lot more than being around until a child is 4.