I Woke

marval | 18:49 Thu 22nd Jan 2015 | Jokes

2 Answers

I woke up this morning and had a special type of socket wrench in my hand and I was surrounded by nuts and bolts.
I had been torquing in my sleep.

I used to file my nails, but I thought: 'what's the point in keeping them?'

I stole money from a Dutch holy woman.
She was Nun Der Weiser.

I was recently asked if as a young girl, was my father very strict with me
I said, "let me get one thing straight, my father was never a young girl."

I was in bed with this bloke last night and he asked if he could cover me in ketchup and lick it all off.
I thought," That's a bit saucy."

I've just come back from the corner shop.
I bought four corners.

My son made it through a blood transfusion so I bought him a 50" HDTV.
He loves his new plasma.

I'm currently reading a book about North African invaders during medieval times and can't put it down. It’s very Moorish

I sent a text to my mate the other day asking him who his favourite composer is.
Surprisingly, he didn't text Bach.

I bought a cod fillet, and found a strangely-shaped bone in it.
It did look out of plaice.

A secret report detailing a vegetable 'super food' has been obtained from No 10.
Opposition claim it's a government leek.

I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.
It's a false alarm.