Confused

[Omerta]

Im newly married and we both want to start a family, or so i thought. I have been trying for months to get pregnant, but to no avail. Also in the last couple of months of our marriage, i have felt my husband going of me, he's not keen on kissing, he's quite fussy about sex. Then a few days ago im tidying the house, and i find these drugs, hidden at the back of the draw, i dont say anything, but i took them to my doctor to ask what there used for. To my shock i find they are for OCD, i hadn't really noticed before, but my husband is obsessed with cleaning, i just thought he liked being tidy. All these months i thought he was having a affair, because he can hardly touch me, and i also found out he's been using the Withdrawal Method, he fake's orgasams, he thinks i cant tell but i could, don't you all be thinking im a dumbo, but i could never feel him coming during sex, but he said i was imagining it. The thing is i tryed to talk about it to him, and he blamed me, saying i have something wrong with my body, im just so confused, i love him dearly, more than any human in my life. But why does he have to lie? Hide his shame? I thought marriage was about sharing, being honest, confiding in eachother, i feel so low. He just won't admit he has a problem, i get the blame, it's like he feels dirty when he has sex with me, straight after he's in the bathroom washing himself, i feel insulted like im dirty. What can i do?

[andy hughes]

Hello Omerta. I am so sorry to read of your difficulties so early in your married life.

You are both going to need professional help to get past this situation. Talk to your husband calmly - from the point of view that difficulties, like successes, in marriage, have to be shared. Suggest seeing a Relate counsellor together, and don't worry, lots of marriages have problems early on, and plenty of them get past them, and go on to raise families and be happy together.

Share your problems together with profesionals, and I really hope you can get it all sorted.

[Elfin]

As far as I'm aware, drugs used to treat OCD are also used for other conditions such as depression and anxiety. You may be jumping to conclusions regarding his illness, so first of all you need to establish exactly what he is undergoing treatment for.

You'll clearly need to take the pressure off about starting a family just now. He's obviously started a pattern of behaviour to ensure that does not happen, but he is extremely defensive - probably feeling anxious and guilty etc.

Try not to dwell on his recent behaviour and approach the subject looking forward from now. Ask him what he wants, how he feels etc and try to get him to open up to you about any illness. There are many thousands of people suffering from these kinds of stress-related disorders that it's not something to be ashamed of. He may need additional therapy and having an understanding partner is crucial.

You have to understand that these conditions are very frightening for the victim and he may be struggling with himself and his thoughts on a daily basis.

He will need your full support to help him through to the life you deserve together. Try this site for more info:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/default.asp?t=cms&c=ocd

[twopennorth]

perhaps he doesn't want to have children right now - even if he says he does? That could contribute to his lack of interest in sex and the withdrawal technique.

The poop and vomit that fatherhood brings is perhaps the cause of anxiety - not you. Plenty of men are scared of babies in general.

The OCD drugs proves you aren't imagining things, and if he refuses to discuss things that is the biggest problem of all.