When Someone Says ‘Don’t Buy Me A Xmas Present’…….!?

[Smowball]

My daughter, who I’ve not seen for a little while due to not being able to drive, and Covid/lockdowns, is in some kind of strop over god knows what, and has messaged me to say not to buy her or her bf Xmas presents. The last time I saw her I drove all the way to see her, stayed, saw her daughters(my grandchildren) and all seemed ok, tho she has always had a short fuse, stroppy nature(not just my opinion but those of her dad, all her brothers etc). Anyway I just ignore it. The last few times I’ve rang, and messaged she has completely ignored them. Didn’t even acknowledge the birthday present I sent in September, even tho I was very ill. Mr Smow even rang her when I was in hospital as I was so gravely ill the hospital advised him to contact my children, and she just said “and??”
To cut a long story short I messaged her last week yet again as I was trying to do some Xmas shopping online and I asked her for some ideas for the girls, and I actually got a reply, saying whatever u want but don’t bother with me. I had to reply and say look what on earth is the problem?? And she just kept repeating the same excuse which was the distance, tho she has never said that before.
I have never ever not bought her an Xmas present - so do I ignore her and buy something anyway, which she may well send back, or do I not buy one??
What would you do?
(BTW sorry for the long post, but I know I will get fair replies from you all x)

[bhg481]

Send the girls their presents addressed to them directly and ignore your daughter, as requested.

[pixie374]

I'd still send something, money or vouchers if unsure. But, really, I would be wanting to see what, if any, the problem is. She obviously needs to see you.

[Smowball]

I have invited her to come here, I have said as soon as I am 100% I will drive up to her, I have asked to talk to her on the phone rather than just by txt but all to no avail.
She has said I can see the girls but she genuinely isn’t bothered in seeing me. I’m baffled.

[pixie374]

Ok, there may well be other genuine reasons though. Has she always been like this? Does everyone else find the same? Does she have some level of autism or introversion? You know her best. I would personally keep making the same effort, and see what happened x

[Smowball]

She’s always been what I call ‘stroppy’ lol, in that she gets the hump very easily. But no she isn’t autistic. I will keep trying, and send some sort of present. If she sends it back then she sends it back.

[pixie374]

Unfortunately, yes.... as her mum, you can only keep the options open and let her decide. I just know I was the same with my mum, when I had anxiety. Temporarily.

[Smowball]

Oh I didn’t know that pixie x

[Redhelen72]

Why does something have to be wrong with her for not wanting to see you?

[andres]

I wouldn't send her a present. She says she doesn't want one so why give her more reason to get back at you? However ,do you know if she supports any charities?If she does then just text a message to say that you have donated a (?) amount in her name. She can't throw that back at you.

[Redhelen72]

Oh and sorry to answer your question she asked you not to buy a present so don’t!
Otherwise what is the point in asking her!

[calmck]

Agree. Buy for the grandkids and donate a gift to a charity for her

[naomi24]

RH, would you not want to know what’s wrong?

[Smowball]

To answer above - I was actually asking for ideas for the girls, not her, I would have just thought of something for her myself. As for why does there have to be something wrong - there doesn’t, if someone said oh I’m busy or whatever the reason is, but to blatantly say she has no interest in seeing me isn’t a normal response.

[Smowball]

And charity is a good idea btw.

[Redhelen72]

It wouldn’t bother me tbh but perhaps snows daughter doesn’t want any drama!

[Mamyalynne]

The Charity donation is a nice idea, buy for the children and simply let her know that you're there,you care and your arms and heart are open when she is ready.

[naomi24]

RH, snow’s daughter suddenly doesn’t want to see her. Doesn’t that strike you as strange?

[AuntPG]

Why on earth would you want to give her gift money to charity? I would just say as she has asked for no present. you've popped an extra one in for the children. Tell her she's acting like a child while you are on, and tell her you hope when her children grow up they treat her with a bit more respect. I didn't speak to my female parent ( she did not deserve the word mother) for six years before she died -but I made damn sure she knew why.

[Redhelen72]

She hasn’t seen her for quite some while due to covid, and of course I am just surmising but perhaps she finds all the drama exhausting.
I don’t mean that nastily smow but your life has always been 1 big drama and perhaps she is trying to distance herself.

[naomi24]

I wouldn’t argue with her. I would simply tell her I don’t understand why she’s behaving as she is and say I’m there for her as always. I definitely wouldn’t do the charity thing. I can’t see the point of that.