Why does my 13yr old ignore me? (Long post)

[kazza55]

My daughter who is 13 is being quite obnoxious lately and I am finding it very upsetting. For example in the mornings before school I always say good morning to her and ask her if she would like me to make her a hot drink. I'm lucky if I get a grunt of acknowledgment.I feel totally ignored sometimes and that she sometimes despises me. I don't want to be one of those clingy,needy mothers,but I am finding it hard to accept this behaviour and lack of respect in general. I remember that when I was her age that I didn't feel much like speaking to anybody in the mornings, so I try and give her some space, but she can be quite hostile if I try and speak to her. I've explained how hurtful it is, but she takes no notice. IAfter school is not much better either. Sometimes we have a really nice chat and a laugh, but usually she wants to go upstairs onto the computer to chat to her friends. Should I let her do this every evening? Whenever I suggest doing something together maybe once a month, she is not interested unless her friends are included. I realise that at 13 she will not want to be with us so much and she is entitled to have some privacy and life of her own. We let her go out at the weekends with her friends and she has her friends around quite often.I really miss all the things that we used to do together as a family but do realise that things are not going to be the same as when she was younger. We do not have much family time together as I have to work Friday and Saturday evenings and I feel that things have suffered as a result.

Is there any way I can turn this around? We have always tried to provide a loving,secure,happy home for our daughter but now she is a young woman,and most of the time not a very pleasant one! and quite manipulative. Is this normal? There aren't really any other mums I can talk to about this. Advice needed please!!!

[gessoo]

Oh Kazza, I can't give you any advice except carry on doing what you are doing. Enjoy the chats when she is cooperative and use that time to perhaps tell her how much you love chatting with her. Don't bring up the subject of how she is hurting you, etc However, however much she tries to manipulate, you must keep up the parental discipline. She won't like you for it, but she would be lost and confused without it.

What she is doing is so totally normal. I'm afraid it's just the hormones kicking in and it will pass in time. Just continue to give her the love and support you obviously already do. She won't be enjoying this period much herself; I can remember being 13/14 and how uncertain of myself I was.

I understand how difficult it must be for you, but all us mums have been through it with our children, and I find girls to be far harder to handle at puberty than boys.

Take care, there will be very difficult times for a few years yet, but at the end of it I bet she comes out just fine!

[Goodsoulette]

She is a teenager most of them are like this. I think it's in a kids nature as I am assured by my parents that I was not like this and was always friendly and happy/confident to everyone. Don't let it get out of hand put up with the tantrums and never give in to her bad behaviour, if you give an inch she will take a mile.

Make sure her life is structured, she is doing homework etc and make her have family time once a week at least.

[andy-hughes]

As a dad with three daughters, I can sympathise entirely!

It would be great if puberty started one Friday night, and was all over by the next Monday morning, but it takes years!

As has been advised, your daughter is a perfectly normal teenager, and you are perfectly normal parents. This shift in her maturity, and obvious knock-on effect it has on her relationship with you, is hard for everyone to adjust to, and there will be some tears and tantrusm along the way. All you can do is reassure her that you love her just the same - I always found that last thing at night was a good time. I have always said goodnight to my girls before they go to sleep - its amazing how they become 'little girls' at the time before sleep - and that's a good time to give her a kiss and tell her you love her. It puts a seal on what may have been a difficult day - which you may know nothing about - and she will retain that thought as she goes to sleep. I still do it with my youngest, who is nearly seventeen! A need for security is vital for your daughter in these changing times.

Hold on, it does pass, she will 'come back' to you as a secure and happy young woman, so just enjoy the days when she is nice, ride out the days when she is nasty, and remind yourself, it's part of growing up.

[gsm1973]

She's being a typical teenager unfortunately! I don't think it's very healthy to have the computer in her bedroom though and you could try restricting the amount of internet access she has as this medium can make children very insular.

Don't know about other people but isn't 13 a bit young to start behaving like this? My teenage hormones didn't kick in really until about 14/15. My stepdaughter is 15 and she's just started getting worse now that she's coming up to her 16th birthday.

[gessoo]

I think between 12/14 is the usual age for girls to become hormonal, but can tie in with their physical development so varies from girl to girl. But the 13/14 year old girls in secondary school are the worse nightmare out! Boys tend to be a bit older when they hit the 'Kevin' stage, but again in can vary widely.

[padders]

Having been much easier than her brother up to age 13, my daughter sound very much like yours. However, after a year I think there may be light at the end of that long tunnel.

Padders junior does not like morning discussions so I just say good morning and offer her a choice for breakfast. If she doesn't respond then I try not to make an issue of it although I agree that its very rude. Making an issue of it winds them up and isn't a very good start to the day. Sometimes, she'll say 10 minutes later "Did you say there was porridge?" or whatever as if nothing happened, sometimes I'll be lucky to get any chat but then sometimes she'll send a text when she's on the bus saying I love you Mum so its not all bad.

Allow her to have 'friends time' (even if you can't stand any of them) because if you don't they are only more determined to be with them. But also insist that she joins in with family outings or activities from time to time. Mine has a moan but I hear her on the phone telling her friends "Mum says I have to do the family thing today" and invariably she has a good time with the rest of us.

Get the PC out of her room. At 13 you need to keep an eye on what they are doing on the internet and if its downstairs somewhere she'll be forced to be in the same room as the rest of you at least for a few minutes.

I find its best to give them the time to talk when they approach you but don't try to force them into talking or you'll get nowhere. Make a point of saying I love you each night before they go to bed too. I get told a lot that I don't care because I insist on homework being done and times to be home but of course a lot of her friend's parents don't bother and seem to allow them to do as they please. Just keep reinforcing that its because you care that there are rules.Good luck

[ronnie963]

i turned into the daughter from hell at 13 but only to my mum and it took until i was 19 before she got a plesent answer from me but she,s my best friend now. She also belives in karma and she,s happily waiting for my son to hit his teens,oh help.

[kazza55]

Thankyou all so much to have your ideas, feedback, experiences and humour with this sometimes really stressful time. It is much appreciated. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde sometimes, but I do love her to bits. It has come as more of a shock for us as she seems to have had a complete personality transplant in the last 9 months. Looking after a baby/toddler was a doddle compared to this! I will definately try and put myself more in her shoes sometimes and when things are bad, try and understand that it's not always easy to be 13. Sometimes I do tend to forget that fact,as she is very well developed (36b bust and size 7 feet!) and much taller than most of her friends.

Our angel does have a PC in her bedroom but she hasn't got internet on it. She doesn't surf as such, its just the music and chatting to all her dozens of mates. I think we will have to have family times once a week whether she likes it or not and a bit more structure and discipline. You have all made me feel normal again, it does knock my confidence as a mum. Knowing I am not alone helps too. I quite often say goodnight, I love you to her before she goes to sleep and she says it to me back. I will do this every night from now on. I will try and be more laid back in the morning and maybe listen to the radio at breakfast time.

[Alibobs]

My daughter was just like this at thirteen, she's almost seventeen now and things are much better (but she still has her moments!!)

I found it so hard to adapt, I think us mums need to be needed, we have spent so many years as top dog and it does feel like rejection.

My second child is nearly 14 and I have been much more chilled this time round . I'm sure that because of this there hasn't been so much of a backlash.

Watching Brat camp tonight made me realise things aren't so bad after all!!

[kazza55]

Alibobs, you have 2 very good points there about it feeling like a rejection and adapting. I have been finding it hard to adapt, but I know I must. I guess some of this is my problem I must deal with. We really wanted to have a second child about 6 years ago, but by then I'd started an early menopause and it was not to be. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it is not possible or healthy to try and recapture those times when our daughter relied on us for everything and wanted to be with one of us nearly all the time.

The occasional quick hug I get and peck on the cheek is now so much more precious. I know it is really annoying, but most of the time I tend to turn a blind eye towards wet towels left on the floor, tops left off stuff, the odd dirty cups and plates left in her room,etc. Childhood seems so short and there are so many freedoms denied that I used to take for granted. In many ways I think it is harder for her than I ever had it.

Ooh, I missed Brat Camp last night, hope it was good I only saw the trailers for it. I will be watching it next week though.

[markja]

my daughter is now 21 & moved out. even now when she stays with us she is a bear with a sore head untill 12 noon. then she changes back into a normal nice person. this is now a standing joke in my family but only after 12!!! don't worry, some people just aren't morning people.

[gessoo]

My son is the same (and if the truth be known, so am I!!) Fortunately, I work in the evenings!!

[mollymandy]

Hello

Make it clear to her that you will always listen to her and be there for her . As long as she is safe (make sure you know who she is on the computor to ) and well be thank full that you know where she is . Give her space , write her a card and remind her what she was like as a baby and write about your happy memories , things you did when she was little , Let her know that you realise she is growning up , ask her to go to a make up shop and both have a make over together take her somewhere special for a meal , make her feel grown up . but most of all respect her privacy . Enjoy it , she may soon be at uni and living away from home , you will long just to here her voice and pick up her mucking washing ! Have fun .. remember what you were like ?

[xxellenxrx]

I am 15 and what you described sounds a lot like how I behaved when I was 13. Although it was only two years ago I know I have changed, as all of my friends have. This has happened with all of my friends as they have told me their mums are doing their heads in lol. The best thing to do is make sure that she knows you are there for her and then step away. This is what my mum did and it made us closer because it didn't feel like I was being forced to do anything, but I knew I could talk to her whenever I needed to.