Step daughter help needed

[andyjevs]

This might be a long one but thanks for reading. I desperately need some advice before it breaks my marriage up.

I got together with my wife 12 years ago and she had two daughters aged 3 and 4. I took them on as my own and although they saw their father regularly, he contributed very little finnancially.

But, the eldest step daughter has always been the spawn of satan and (please excuse my colourful descriptions) is an evil pig. She has given us nothing but sheer hell....and the older she got, the worst the attitude and temper (sometimes very violent) got. & years ago and my wife and i had a lovely daughter (who is now 7) and i was afraid to leave the step pig in the same room as my little one.

It all came to a head 18 months ago whilst we were on holiday when the step pig punched her mum in the face in a packed restaurant for something very stupid. She then proceeded to tell my daughter that she was going to be taken away blah blah.
We kicked her out and she went to live with her dad and his wife and 3 young kids....it was the last straw.

But, she now left their house. She's either been kicked out or left after an arguement......and my wife has asked me if she can move back into our very nice, settled and quiet house.

I've said no but my wife is in a terrible state over it. She's remained very good friends with her but i haven't spoken to my step daughter since she left.

I've told my wife that if she comes back and mucks up once, i will walk out.

What am i to do. If she moves back, i won't speak to her as i despise her so much for what she's done but it is killing my wife and i don't like seeing her like this.

Your suggestions or help would be most welcome

[noxlumos]

Blimey andy, you need to take a deep breath and have a look at what you're saying.This is your wife's child and like it or not she is a child and you are an adult and as such things should never have got so out of hand in the first place. I appreciate fully that kids are not always easy (we have eight, including a large step family on each side) but your wife is going to be torn apart by the two of you and as the adult in this situation, whatever the child has or hasn't done, you should be the one to behave like an adult and welcome her back. This is never going to improve if you dspise her. She is not something to be called a "step pig" however you feel about her, how the hell do you think your wife feels about that? Kids who behave like Satan, as you put it, are the kids most in need of help and understanding. she sounds confused and consumed with jealousy and frankly I'm not surprised as it's a huge thing to accept a younger sibling when your relationship with your step parent is on such a tenuous footing.I'm not trying to judge you but I think very clearly if you don't have her back or have her back grudgingly then you'll sign your own death warrant with your wife. Talk or go to counselling and get to the bottom of why she feels this way and be accepting otherwsie this will all blow up in your face.

[andy-hughes]

Sound advice there from noxlumos, who is drawing on personal experience -as am I.

Our eldest daughter (I don't go with the term 'step' except when talking about ladders!) was a nightmare teenager and left home at sixteen. I won;t go into the whys and wherfores, except to say that she is now 31, and we are all very close, and I am thankful every day that we never lost touch with her, even as she found her way in the world.

As noxlumos says, she is your wife's child, and you can't make your wife choose, it simply isn't fair. What you need to do is talk to your daughter, calmly and reasonably, and try to get some ground rules in place. It does sound as though jelousy and confusion is a large part of the problem. If she thinks you will walk out if she misbehaves, you can count the time until she does in seconds! What you must do is make it clear that you are all a family - including her - and everyone is loved and valued equally. Make it clear that you want her home, you love her, and want her to be happy with you, and then be firm and calm when she pushes the boundaries, and she will.

You must ensure that you and your wife are a united front - she will try to divide and rule - and this cannot be allowed. Make sure the behaviour rules are in place, and everyone knows them, then apply the sanctions, fairly and fully. Meanwhile give her a lot of love and attention - and the same for your other daughter.

I know it's harsh, but if you make your wife choose, she will, and you will loose, so don;t go down that road. Emrace the love of your daughters, hard as it is sometimes, and you will all emerge as a strong family.

I know - been there, done that. Good luck.

[WendyS]

Phew, you are really between a rock and a hard place. These kinds of family conflicts can be incredibly destructive and I think the advice you have already received is very sensible, even if it's not what you want to hear. It sounds as if your stepdaughter is still in a difficult emotional place if her relationship with her father and his wife has now been destroyed so this will need very careful handling. You wife is obviously being torn apart by this and to retain her loyalty I think you have to be scrupulously fair about this. I think the two of you should meet up with your stepdaughter in a neutral location and have a long honest talk about what has gone wrong between you. Tell her you are willing to put the past behind you but there needs to be strict rules about how everybody in the family behaves in future if she comes back, and agree beforehand with you wife that she is prepared to support you and back you up on this. It will cause her a lot of emotional angst if conflict arises, but this girl (who I assume is around 16) may possibly have learned her lesson now and be prepared to try again. Putting your wife in the position where she might have to chose between you is incrediby dangerous. I don't know whether blood is always thicker than water but I can only suggest you try and make it work. She will soon be old enough to move out and do her own thing but giving her one more chance of family stability before she embarks on her adult life may make all the difference to your relationships longer term. If you feel you need some support in making this work, Social Services might be able to recommend a Counsellor who practices family therapy.

[truangel]

hi im a step daughter, and i really dont get in with my step mother. and this is really threw no fault of my own she just got very jelous of me and when i was five she started making my life hell and carried it on ever since. im 16 now and im starting to stand up for my self, but im not violent or anything. ive spent my whole life pussy footing around her but recently ive said enough is enough. im not sayin your step daughter is right far from it, but take it from me she will always see you in bad light no matter what you do. try to ignore her from the sounds of it she is craving attention. maybe its a mind thing and she is using you as the reason her pernets split up. and now its so deep in her mind she cant get rid of it. she will grow out of it im sure, dont leave your wife. if there are times when u feel you cannot cope, leave the house for a few hours and let your wife sort it out, if ur step daughter is having a tantrum and your there ur ar going to be the object of abuse so leave them to ir. go for a drive or a cup of cofee or visit your friends. the situation is only what you make it, give your self an easier time and dont rise to her. after all as someone said she is only a child. i hope things work out for you and i know that no matter what anyone has to say on here is going to make you suddenly find a new love for her but for your childs sake the one you had with your wife dont leave her mother. this trouble some teen will leave in a few years and live her own life and you will have things the way you want them.

remeber keep your head up!