Difficult 17 year old son

[tcc65]

I have a 17and a half year old son who after an argument left my house on Thursday.He has pushed me to the limits over the past few months. He is an intelligent articulate boy who without me knowing dropped out of sixth form 5 months ago he has sat in the house all day since then or gone out with friends he has made no effort to get a job and has ran up huge phone bills which he obviously cannot pay. My main problem with him is his complete lack of any respect for me or his two younger sisters he is agressive towards them and one of his sisters is now too scared to be in the house on her own with him. He refuses to accept any resonsibilities for his actions and blames everyone else.I have not seen him since Thursday although I know from his friends that he is staying with them.His father and several good friends of mine are advising me not to let him come back to live with me and although my head agrees with them my heart is breaking I have given him so many chances and have to think of the needs of his younger sisters too, who are both very unhappy living with him.

Has anyone out there been in a similar situation to me .......what did you do? I would appreciate your thoughts

[Drusilla1S]

Teenagers are notoriously difficult, but his attitude seems to have an edge to it that goes beyond the usual 'grumpy git' behaviour to be expected from this age group.

I had two thoughts on reading your question; the first was a drug problem and the second was the beginning of a mental health issue, both of which require a trip to the doctors for diagnosis.

I hope your family can pull together and encourage him to visit a doctor, if only to rule out these issues. Maybe, a doctor could arrange an appointment with a psychologist to chat through his present difficulties.

[raysparx]

it isn't just you that can sort this,why doesn't his dad have a word?, you can't let him walk over you like this, it might well be time for some tough love,nobody else is going to let him live with them for free, why should you?

I told my two boys that if they are man enough to make a decision as big as stopping education,then I considered them adult and to find a job or move out, both found jobs and are really nice people now,

don't let it upset the rest of the family

G00D LUCK, not easy whatever you decide

[tcc65]

I have encouraged him to see our G.P but he refuses to go, his Dad has been talking to him on a daily basis but he won't listen to him either. I don't think it is drug related.

I have told him that I cannot afford to continue to keep him without him getting a job and have done my best to support him to find a job but he has made no effort.

I am working full time and have 3 other children to support so you can imagine how difficult it has been over the past few months.

[noxlumos]

Your son has set some space in this difficult situation and I think that is good. Leave him where he is for a while so that he can think on things at his own pace, let him know that you are there for him and be pleasant and wait to see what happens. It could be he'll come to his own conclusions and realisations whilst he's away and may choose not to come home, in which case you have an opportunity to have a great relationship under new and different terms or he may decide to come back. If he does want to come back, sit down and have a long relaxed, non judgemental talk with him and see if you can't find a way to compromise on what's upsetting you and him and give him some motivation to start making some choices about his future. etc.Hope it turns out well for you both.

[suzi-q]

Hi tcc
Just to say hang in there. I have 2 boys, 18 & 16. Teens are a breed apart. We have had some really difficult times and I blame myself loads, for a messy divorce from their dad, for a new relationship and marriage. They found it really hard and for a while I felt sick everytime I walked in the house wondering what would happen that evening. But somehow things have slowly calmed down. I fear that the 16 yr old will be the next one as he has got quite lippy since turning 16. I hang onto the fact that I love them both absolutely and have tried to do the best I can in every way: for them and for me too which is not an easy thing to balance. Sometimes I think being a mum is all about guilt - who can ever be the perfect mum? But Im sure your son loves you and knows you love him, hes just angry, maybe slightly depressed, he may not even know why. I think the space he has given you both is a good thing. Keep the doors open if you can but be firm about the rules of the house as best you can. If he has a good relationship with his dad maybe its time he stepped in and offered him a home - maybe a bit of man to man bonding will be good - after all you share the responsibility for your kids.
Wishing you peace of mind xx

[Begram]

when I was 17 I was in an IDENTICAL situation (as your son). Agressive....dropping out of college....didn't tell parents...2 sis at home, unhappy with me. I ended up running away....got cold (sleeping rough) and had to come home. Ran away for good after a while. Sisters still hate me haha.

I can only make a few observations, although I am a qualified psychologist, so maybe they might help, maybe not.

-First and most important, it's gona really be difficult for your son. He is isolated, feels misunderstood, and is the odd one out. Females are totally different from males, they will not understand what makes him tick, he will not understand what makes them tick. One cannot say 'he is bad, they are reacting, or 'they are bad, he is reacting'. The problem is with the RELATIONSHIP.

-Secondly, he is going through a very difficult period of adjustment. His goals and values of childhood, and being supported are being totally dropped in favour of new values and goals and a revolution from being supported to "supporting" instead. It is a VERY hard time for him.

I would say the problems above (1 and 2) are not additive but multiplicative. At a time when he most needs support and anything to bolster his self esteem and confidence, he instead gets the opposite, derision and lack of support. The girl's reaction may be understandable, they may be going through a similar time, but it's just the reality of the situation, rather than any particular person being right. The only way to transcend this and find a solution is to admit that it is a situational problem rather than anyone being to blame. He may well not be naturally aggressive, it may be his reaction when frustrated. I know it was for me. I am now very very pacifist, could not hurt a fly, but that guy I was when 17 was pretty aggressive, probably gave my sisters quite a hard time.

[Begram]

You can aid the group/outgroup problem that will exist between him and his sisters by getting them all involved in working towards a goal together. At first, this will obviously be something that they enjoy. It may have to involve an adventure camp or suchlike, or taking up a new sport together. This may seem outlandish, but psychology research shows that it's pretty much the only hope you have of breaking down a group division, that will certainly grow between the girls and guys in the household.

You do not mention a father figure. This was more or less missing for me, when I started working I more or less got one and it changed me as a person. An older bloke in his life that can act as a role model will probably be able to help him quite a lot.

For you, the biggest problem may be feedback...you probably do not get an idea of whether your support is helping him. My mother didn't, but at the end of the day it was her unconditional (more or less) love that got me through all that rubbish that was happening to me. Had she gone the other way, or kicked me out, I guess we never would have spoken again.

This is not a problem of 'him'. It's a problem of a situation, ie this time in his life. Help him through it. In 10 years he will worship you for it, and you will all wonder where that guy went.

Tell your daughters about this. The time is hard for them too. They may not realize any of the above, and that deep down he actually cares for them. As a woman, you can tell him directly that they may be going through changes that are out of their control and he too can support them through it.

Psychologists are an option, but I wouldn't bother unless it's clear he has an independent problem with aggression. Many of them are a waste of time and may make him feel like a weirdo, or that the problem is a fundamental one, whereas it's probably just transient.

Good luck, I know it's a toughie.

[tcc65]

Thanks to you all for your replies and support, my story is so long but to be helpful I need to answer some of your questions. His Dad and I have been divorced for many years, they have at times a supportive and at othertimes a difficult relationship. They are so alike but neither can see it!

His sisters are 15 and 8 and he has been agressive and bullying towards both of them the language at times is X rated in my house and as you will understand I cannot allow that especially infront of my 8 year old.

Living with his Dad is not an option I have spoken to his Dad about it but he will not consider it even on a temporary basis.

I received a phone call from the locak council today and he is staying in a hostel for the next few days they have encouraged him to make contact with me, he has no mobile and the hostel is not in the town we live in so I hope he will conatct me soon.

Being a Mum is so hard!!!!!

[raysparx]

Thinking of you, tcc. I am sure it will work in the end, we can't stop loving and caring,can we!

Wish you good luck,hang on in there.

Ray x

[Begram]

yeah, I'm a lovely guy, my Mum adores me, and I was a right )))((( then...

[WendyS]

At least you know your son is in a safe place and a few days of reflection for him there may not be a bad thing. He will certainly not be enjoying the same luxuries as he got at home and he may also find himself in the company of some other people who he definitely wouldn't like to adopt as role models. He has a lot of thinking to do.

I know you must be very worried about him. Why not write him a letter saying that you understand he wants some space, as you do and the rest of your family but that you are all missing him. hope he's OK and will look forward to seeing him when he feels ready to come home and become a member of the family again.

[sharpy36]

do you have anyone in the same age bracket as your son,within your family ?,he`s very likely to talk to them

[tcc65]

No there is no one in my family of a similar age to my son